And the show ...
...must go on.
I must have missed the fine print ... I feel like I am working just as hard or harder now than I was before I "retired".
Ai yi yi!
Oh well ... no rest for the weary ... at least not yet anyway.
My fears and anxiety about forgetting stuff and missing details has been realized ... Arrgh ... I missed something important that had me up worried at 2 am.
Doing my best to make it right ... hoping my apologies will be enough ... but I have had a truly important lesson ... I can handle only so much crazy making ... time to turn down the burner and turn up the fan ... I need to plan even more than I do now ... planning and pre-planning are my primary way of making sense of the world. I need to get even better at it. If I am gifted with far-sightedness ... I had better damn well use it more ... instead of settling for my current time-limited mode.
I am being vague on purpose .... because the problem goes further than the current issue. I resist my planning genes even as I embrace them. I have allowed people to convince me that I am somehow not fully present when I operate in my version of a fully engaged mode.
Now this part may not make any sense ... but bear with me ... I currently use a methodology focused on weekly planning augmented by annual, quarterly and daily planning. And it is a good system. But if I travel or engaged in intensive work like being away three weekends in a row in the same month as I plan my next 18 months, announce a workshop, plan a fall semester of classes, submit proposals for workshops, do a major web site upgrade , design a web site theme and plan/design/implement a handfasting ceremony ... it all falls apart. It has to, it is too much for any sane person to handle.
And that is okay. It is okay because it represents reality -- it is gravity.
But what bothers me is that part of the reason it is too much is because I resist codifying large parts of my work in favor of the "in the moment" intensity that is so in vogue nowadays. I act as if my propensity to pre-plan is a bad thing at some levels. I have swallowed a lie.
Yeah, I can roll with the punches with big guys, I have done it for years ... but I am even better at creating systems that simplifies those things that are routine and/or expected. Not everything is new under the sun fer chrissakes.
So I feel such a rush pulling things "out of my ass" in the last moments, when in fact I could have been more effective taking care of things before they become crucial. It is my old friend Urgency rearing its ugly head again.
I probably do a better job than most in my current mode .. which is nothing to sneeze at. I am proud of my accomplishments in this area. But several times a year I end up under the gun unnecessarily, and within these moments there is much I can learn -- and this is just such a moment.
I am already taking steps to correct some of my own propensity to make things more complicated than they need to be, but it will take time to fully implement these changes. And even though I am not a person known for her patience, I have managed to not beat myself up for not being able to effect the changes more quickly.
It is just that I am coming to realize just how deeply things have to change. It is not just what I do, it is also how I feel about myself in the doing.
If you are still reading this, I thank you for persevering till the end ... it is such a muddle of navel gazing at best ... so here is your gift for hanging out with me as I try to make some sense of it all.
Often the challenge is not in changing yourself, more often it is in accepting who and what you are already -- and believing that you, yes you, have all the gifts and abilities you need to make sense of the world ... if only you are willing to let them grow and evolve into something new.
You do not have to change so much as you have to get out of the way of your own growth.
I hope it was worth it to read this far ... thank you for listening.
love,
K
I must have missed the fine print ... I feel like I am working just as hard or harder now than I was before I "retired".
Ai yi yi!
Oh well ... no rest for the weary ... at least not yet anyway.
My fears and anxiety about forgetting stuff and missing details has been realized ... Arrgh ... I missed something important that had me up worried at 2 am.
Doing my best to make it right ... hoping my apologies will be enough ... but I have had a truly important lesson ... I can handle only so much crazy making ... time to turn down the burner and turn up the fan ... I need to plan even more than I do now ... planning and pre-planning are my primary way of making sense of the world. I need to get even better at it. If I am gifted with far-sightedness ... I had better damn well use it more ... instead of settling for my current time-limited mode.
I am being vague on purpose .... because the problem goes further than the current issue. I resist my planning genes even as I embrace them. I have allowed people to convince me that I am somehow not fully present when I operate in my version of a fully engaged mode.
Now this part may not make any sense ... but bear with me ... I currently use a methodology focused on weekly planning augmented by annual, quarterly and daily planning. And it is a good system. But if I travel or engaged in intensive work like being away three weekends in a row in the same month as I plan my next 18 months, announce a workshop, plan a fall semester of classes, submit proposals for workshops, do a major web site upgrade , design a web site theme and plan/design/implement a handfasting ceremony ... it all falls apart. It has to, it is too much for any sane person to handle.
And that is okay. It is okay because it represents reality -- it is gravity.
But what bothers me is that part of the reason it is too much is because I resist codifying large parts of my work in favor of the "in the moment" intensity that is so in vogue nowadays. I act as if my propensity to pre-plan is a bad thing at some levels. I have swallowed a lie.
Yeah, I can roll with the punches with big guys, I have done it for years ... but I am even better at creating systems that simplifies those things that are routine and/or expected. Not everything is new under the sun fer chrissakes.
So I feel such a rush pulling things "out of my ass" in the last moments, when in fact I could have been more effective taking care of things before they become crucial. It is my old friend Urgency rearing its ugly head again.
I probably do a better job than most in my current mode .. which is nothing to sneeze at. I am proud of my accomplishments in this area. But several times a year I end up under the gun unnecessarily, and within these moments there is much I can learn -- and this is just such a moment.
I am already taking steps to correct some of my own propensity to make things more complicated than they need to be, but it will take time to fully implement these changes. And even though I am not a person known for her patience, I have managed to not beat myself up for not being able to effect the changes more quickly.
It is just that I am coming to realize just how deeply things have to change. It is not just what I do, it is also how I feel about myself in the doing.
If you are still reading this, I thank you for persevering till the end ... it is such a muddle of navel gazing at best ... so here is your gift for hanging out with me as I try to make some sense of it all.
Often the challenge is not in changing yourself, more often it is in accepting who and what you are already -- and believing that you, yes you, have all the gifts and abilities you need to make sense of the world ... if only you are willing to let them grow and evolve into something new.
You do not have to change so much as you have to get out of the way of your own growth.
I hope it was worth it to read this far ... thank you for listening.
love,
K