Happy Birthday Chris!
Today would be my brother Chris' 34th birthday if he were alive. Yesterday my mom cooked his favorite meal. It's some sort of taco-ish hot dish thing. Either way I don't like it, never have. I can't belive it's almost been 4 years since I've seen him. That is just too unreal for me. Ever since he died I've had a dead look in my eyes. It won't go away. I found these pictures of me about a week after he died. My mom and me were moving Tim into his dorm in college. I just had this dead look on my face. Whenever I see someone who has lost someone recently I can totally tell. That's what I looked like for a long time. There are times when I'm still like that, but I've been doing my best to hang on. I wonder how long it takes for that to go away. Does it ever? Part of me thinks that there is gonna be a wound on my heart for a long time. And I'm sure I will never get over his death. I can't. To me that feels like I am forgetting and I don't wanna forget. I've already forgotten so much stuff. I can't stand to forget anymore. I can't even remember the sound of his voice. I would give anything just to hear him one more time or just to be able to give him a hug and tell him I love him. I know he knows, but it still scares me thinking that he doesn't. I guess I wouldn't be this broken if I didn't love him. It just feels like me and him missed out on so much. Tim and I are so close, especially now that I'm older. I never really got that kind of relationship with him 'cause he died when I was almost 13, I think. I never got to grow up with my brother, instead I had to grow up after he left me. Now, I am stuck in a 17 year old girl's body and I'm trapped. Part of me feels like I would give anything to feel like I am 17 and other times I'm glad I'm beyond that. I sort of had to skip a chapter in my life and that is something that fucked me up good. By the time you're my age you shouldnt know so much stuff. I know way too much stuff. I know about, depression, suicide, anorexia, self-mutilation, alchoholism, bi-polar disordre, mental retardation, drug addiction. thats all I can think of right now, but each of those have affected me whether it be because of me or someone in my family. I think its kinda sad that I know more things about life than some people ever will...
It's been about a half a year since I've cut myself. I am so proud. This is something I've been dealing with since 8th grade. It has definetly been a hard addiction to break. One that I have tried to quit doing dozens of times. It's such a bad thing to be addicted to. You get screwed over big time. I mean, I have scars on my body that will never go away. How unattractive is that? It's gross and I'm sure it weirds the hell outta people. But at the same time it doesn't really bother me. It's kind of like an expression of my grief. A really fucked up expression, but it's hard to explain to people that don't do it. To me it's just easier to let out my emotions that way rather than talking to somebody. It's not like it hurts. I think it looks worse than it really is. Either way, I'm glad that I have finally stopped. Hopefully I can just stay strong and "safe" as they call it in the psycho-ward. Oh good ole psych ward times. The psych ward definetly started my addiction to Skip-bo. The greatest game ever! I probably played that game over a hundred times lol. I used to joke around on how I'd have to change it to strip skip-bo so people would play with me outside of the hospital.
Well, class is almost over, so I am gonna head out. Peace out...
It's been about a half a year since I've cut myself. I am so proud. This is something I've been dealing with since 8th grade. It has definetly been a hard addiction to break. One that I have tried to quit doing dozens of times. It's such a bad thing to be addicted to. You get screwed over big time. I mean, I have scars on my body that will never go away. How unattractive is that? It's gross and I'm sure it weirds the hell outta people. But at the same time it doesn't really bother me. It's kind of like an expression of my grief. A really fucked up expression, but it's hard to explain to people that don't do it. To me it's just easier to let out my emotions that way rather than talking to somebody. It's not like it hurts. I think it looks worse than it really is. Either way, I'm glad that I have finally stopped. Hopefully I can just stay strong and "safe" as they call it in the psycho-ward. Oh good ole psych ward times. The psych ward definetly started my addiction to Skip-bo. The greatest game ever! I probably played that game over a hundred times lol. I used to joke around on how I'd have to change it to strip skip-bo so people would play with me outside of the hospital.
Well, class is almost over, so I am gonna head out. Peace out...