And the winner is...
I'll never understand this mommy one-upmanship that seems to run so rampant these days. Maybe it's been around forever-who knows? Either way, it gets old.
A couple of months ago I read a comment on an online forum saying that moms who stay at home with their kids "actually raise them". This statement stayed with me for a long time. It didn't make me guilty--for the most part I'm secure in my parenting decisions--but it did bother me.
Why do we feel the need to judge others for their parenting decisions? I won't pretend to be perfect here, because I've been guilty of the occasional judgmental thought myself. It bugs me to see a one year old eating a happy meal. I get downright angry when I see parents spanking their crying toddlers at the grocery store.
I don't believe in spanking at all, for that matter. As a child, I hated it. Still hate the memory of it. As a parent, I would never do it. Period. As someone who is studying counseling, I would never advise a parent seeking help to spank their children. Research just doesn't support it. In fact, research shows that spanking leads to more aggressive children and is generally ineffective discipline.
As a human being, it's just not my responsibility nor my right to judge others for how they choose to discipline their children. Sure, seeing it take place may evoke an emotional response. But that's for me to bear. It doesn't mean I think that parent is a bad person or that I'm going to go up and tell them how I feel. Same goes for any other parenting issue.
At some point we all just have to draw a line. We get to make decisions for our own children and families; this is our responsibility. We don't even have to justify those decisions to others. This is our right. But we have to stop passing judgment on others who see things differently. There's no way of knowing what's going on in someone else's life at any particular moment. The frustrated mother in the grocery store could have just lost her husband. Who knows what it takes to make us change our carefully crafted ways.
I'm sure that at this point you've figured out that all of this is coming from somewhere. Of course it is. Most of us who are impassioned about any given subject have had an up close and personal experience with said subject.
So here is mine: Not many people (not even those closest to me) know that I had postpartum depression after Munchie was born. Full-blown, life changing depression....for about 4 months. I wasn't eating or even showering most days. I spent all day in my pajamas. I would stare at the tv for hours while the baby slept on me (the only place she *would* sleep) and wish that I was somewhere else. I made J get up at night to take care of her because I just couldn't find the energy to do it myself. After a few weeks I started having scary thoughts. My temper would blow up with no warning. I threw things and picked fights with J. The baby never seemed to stop crying. I didn't feel safe in my own skin.
Even now, after two years, it's still nearly impossible to put these things down on paper (or on the internet, as it were). No one knew that anything was wrong with me. Not even J. I was holed up in the house 24 hours a day with only my screaming infant and my dark thoughts for company. Most of that time is kind of blurry to me now and I prefer to avoid thinking about it.
I do know, however, that work was what saved my sanity. Possibly even my life. Getting out of the house, putting on clothes, being around other adults--it made me feel like a human being again. My thoughts were clear. I looked forward to spending time with my family. I started to get better. Sometimes all it takes is a long weekend at home for me to feel dark and shadow-y again. That's when I know it's time to get up and out of the house
I make no excuses for working. My daughter spends her days at a daycare where I know she is well loved and taken care of and her nights and weekends at home with her parents. I'm sane and everyone is happy. At this point in my life I can easily say that it's just not in the cards for me to be a stay at home mom. At this point even so much as the thought of having another baby is downright terrifying. So for now I will stay put and keep my reasons to myself...in "real life" at least. And in the meantime I will continually seek to be understanding of others and keep my opinions to myself.
Because really...parenting choices aside, we're all winners in the mommy game.
A couple of months ago I read a comment on an online forum saying that moms who stay at home with their kids "actually raise them". This statement stayed with me for a long time. It didn't make me guilty--for the most part I'm secure in my parenting decisions--but it did bother me.
Why do we feel the need to judge others for their parenting decisions? I won't pretend to be perfect here, because I've been guilty of the occasional judgmental thought myself. It bugs me to see a one year old eating a happy meal. I get downright angry when I see parents spanking their crying toddlers at the grocery store.
I don't believe in spanking at all, for that matter. As a child, I hated it. Still hate the memory of it. As a parent, I would never do it. Period. As someone who is studying counseling, I would never advise a parent seeking help to spank their children. Research just doesn't support it. In fact, research shows that spanking leads to more aggressive children and is generally ineffective discipline.
As a human being, it's just not my responsibility nor my right to judge others for how they choose to discipline their children. Sure, seeing it take place may evoke an emotional response. But that's for me to bear. It doesn't mean I think that parent is a bad person or that I'm going to go up and tell them how I feel. Same goes for any other parenting issue.
At some point we all just have to draw a line. We get to make decisions for our own children and families; this is our responsibility. We don't even have to justify those decisions to others. This is our right. But we have to stop passing judgment on others who see things differently. There's no way of knowing what's going on in someone else's life at any particular moment. The frustrated mother in the grocery store could have just lost her husband. Who knows what it takes to make us change our carefully crafted ways.
I'm sure that at this point you've figured out that all of this is coming from somewhere. Of course it is. Most of us who are impassioned about any given subject have had an up close and personal experience with said subject.
So here is mine: Not many people (not even those closest to me) know that I had postpartum depression after Munchie was born. Full-blown, life changing depression....for about 4 months. I wasn't eating or even showering most days. I spent all day in my pajamas. I would stare at the tv for hours while the baby slept on me (the only place she *would* sleep) and wish that I was somewhere else. I made J get up at night to take care of her because I just couldn't find the energy to do it myself. After a few weeks I started having scary thoughts. My temper would blow up with no warning. I threw things and picked fights with J. The baby never seemed to stop crying. I didn't feel safe in my own skin.
Even now, after two years, it's still nearly impossible to put these things down on paper (or on the internet, as it were). No one knew that anything was wrong with me. Not even J. I was holed up in the house 24 hours a day with only my screaming infant and my dark thoughts for company. Most of that time is kind of blurry to me now and I prefer to avoid thinking about it.
I do know, however, that work was what saved my sanity. Possibly even my life. Getting out of the house, putting on clothes, being around other adults--it made me feel like a human being again. My thoughts were clear. I looked forward to spending time with my family. I started to get better. Sometimes all it takes is a long weekend at home for me to feel dark and shadow-y again. That's when I know it's time to get up and out of the house
I make no excuses for working. My daughter spends her days at a daycare where I know she is well loved and taken care of and her nights and weekends at home with her parents. I'm sane and everyone is happy. At this point in my life I can easily say that it's just not in the cards for me to be a stay at home mom. At this point even so much as the thought of having another baby is downright terrifying. So for now I will stay put and keep my reasons to myself...in "real life" at least. And in the meantime I will continually seek to be understanding of others and keep my opinions to myself.
Because really...parenting choices aside, we're all winners in the mommy game.