Life Goes On
As some of you already know, the triad that I shared with Matt and Steve is over. For me, many things had changed in our relationship over the years, and in many ways I was feeling both emotionally and mentally abused, as well as neglected in a number of way. Having said that, I convinced myself that it was only a matter of time before I would have the courage to end the relationship, but of course I didn't. Instead I held onto what we once had in the hopes that things would return to the way they were. Of course, these things rarely happen, and so for me things just become more and more strained.
In the meantime, I had met somebody new. He lived in Sydney, and we clicked pretty much the moment we started chatting. He contacted me on facebook or Bear411 (can't remember which) because of our joint interest in comics and role playing games. Our conversations ranged from those topics to those of sex and similar subjects. As I said here was an immediate click, a connection that I couldn't (and didn't want to) explain.
After about a month and a half of chatting, he said he was coming to visit Melbourne and did we have a room that he could use for a night. I checked to make sure it was okay with the boys, and they agreed that he could stay for Thursday and Friday night. A couple of week later, he arrived in Melbourne and I met him at Southern Cross Station.
As soon as I saw him walking towards me I knew I was in trouble. He prowled towards me like a big cat, his face grinning as he approached. I wanted to hug him, but I knew that if I did, I'd be starting something I couldn't stop. Instead, he reached out to me and hugged me hard, and I know without doubt, that's when my feelings cemented towards him. I was lost in a way I had never been lost before, and I didn't care.
We came back to my place, and spent the entire morning fooling around... but it wasn't quick and hurried, like some casual encounter. Instead it was sensuous, and wild, indulged in with total abandon. He had me pinned against the wall (very few people dare to try that let alone succeed), and I let him willingly. I eagerly submitted to his attentions, knowing full well that I was opening a Pandora's box that would change everything I knew about my life, and I didn't care.
He ended up staying an entire 4 days at our place, canceling previous arrangements just to spend time with me. He spent time with both Matt and Steve as well, and that kind of had me feeling jealous to a degree. I didn't want to share him, I wanted him all to me. I slept with him in the spare bedroom on Saturday night, and when I awoke with him sleeping in my arms on Sunday morning, I knew that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
But I was already in a relationship. What could I do? Deep down I knew exactly what I had to do. There was nothing left for me in the triad anymore. Sure, I still loved Matt (though that was more like being close friends than anything else) but Steve was a different matter. I guess deep down I still feel something for the man, but he has hurt me too much for me to acknowledge it at the moment. Perhaps, in time once the pain is gone and the wounds heal into scars, I'll be able to acknowledge that I once felt love for Steve, but right now all I feel is relief that I have escaped his abusive ways.
I had to leave, but I didn't know if I had the courage to leave. He of coarse did, and helped me take the necessary steps to extricate myself from the situation I had trapped myself in. His gentle encouragement and soft words of love pulled me out of my shell of complacency to act towards something that I wanted. We had not intended for things to rush along though, but for me to gently pull away from the triad so that when the time came in the middle of the following year, set myself free. Unfortunately how these things go can never be planned, and just a week or so ago, the triad ended.
I'm in Sydney now, and and haven't felt this free and happy in a long time. The move was fast, but I'm glad I did it. I'll be back down to Melbourne regularly to pick up more of my stuff and to visit family and friends. This though, is where I intend to stay, with Jyan, the wonderful new man in my life. We are great for each other, and I know that we've done the right thing.