The jail within the rainbow
So this last week has been completely chaotic. I am back in Denton which is pretty cool. I’ve been spending almost every day with Cortnei and it actually makes me happy. I had never had a friend quite like her to say the truth and I’m honored that she holds me as one of her closest friends. I’m quite flattered. Not only that, I’ve had to go through this love little matchmaking ordeal in which I attempt to hook her up with Sig. I want them to be together so bad, they’re what each other needs. At the same time I’ve been followed by things I know I shouldn’t have done and things which I cannot forget and I must notice how often I use the word “not” and how little I should be using it. I’ve just been going through the most drastic mood swings.
Ok let me start at the beginning. Dawn and I aren’t really that close anymore as I see her more as an acquaintance. Even though most people blame Billy on this I have to say that’s not so. Dawn changed, to my opinion, since I befriended her and the fact that she tried to get with the guy I was so infatuated with and who I was still hurt by while I was hung over him and then lied to me about it was just the last drop. I don’t like the way she’s leading her life and I’m not going to stick with people like that, especially when those people have no sense of loyalty whatsoever.
Second, I’ve gotten quite close to Cortnei. Her and I had some strange conversation in which I confessed that I knew more of her than she knew I had knowledge of and since then the relationship has seemed closer and even better. She’s more of a sister now. Not only that, I have found out that she may be moving in with me. Not only would that be awesome but I think she would be a great influence on me. Maybe if her dedication to certain things could rub off on me I’d become a better human being? Heh, it’s funny how I’m the one with the high self esteem and I want some personality traits of that who has a low one. Lighten up lovely, you’re wonderful.
So as to the whole Cortnei and Sig thing. Well, they’re going on a date since Marygail took my phone and called Sig to ask Cortnei about it. This means that Yisu wins the bet Cortnei and her had. I bet her that she couldn’t ask Sig out. (Which she technically didn’t since Marygail did) XD so now she has to get me a date with a guy I’ve been wanting to meet for a while who she knows. Amusing indeed.
At the same time, within that same topic, I’m not really sure I want to meet the guy anyway. Ok, see it this way. I’m still infatuated with some one I should forget and who holds no affection for me and I want to meet this guy who seems to be pretty awesome, yet I think that if he was to be nice enough or just for a lucky reason he decided to date me then wouldn’t it be unjust for him? I don’t know, I want to meet him. I want to move on and I want to get away from that which hurts me but I’m afraid I may be using him as an escape or may be making this illusion of him which reality will shatter if I’m ever to actually meet him. Any advise?
Have you ever been so infatuated with someone that even long after they’ve told you that it would be better for you to move on and that they refused to have anything with you, you still clung to their memories? Have you ever had to face the person you care about and tell them you’ve moved on because you realized they didn’t really care for you even when you know that’s not real, just because you are attempting to protect a friendship that was damned from the beginning? Heh, I have. It’s sad how even after almost everyone thinks I’ve moved on and how I speak about him to girls in an attempt to find him the girl he wants I can’t stop thinking of him. That’s what happens when I’m around the guy I’m infatuated with. I stop thinking of anything around me or what I was supposed to do. All that matters is that he’s with me (even if not in that way) and that the world may burn in that state of happiness.
Not only that, there’s a friend who cares about me yet I can’t truly return the feeling, especially not to the degree he speaks of it. If some one mentions the word “love” I freak out and dash to the opposite direction. The thing isn’t that it’s him or not. It’s just that it’s a big feeling and one I’m quite terrified at. Besides, I’m also afraid that he may not be able to handle what I am. I think he has this purified version of me in his vision and I’m scared that I’ll shatter it and harm him in that way. He claims I won’t but good god, I’ve done it before.
XD on the other hand I have yet another suitor. Why can I never fall for actual suitors? I always have to chase down the guy. Well he claims to care too though, to tell you the truth, I find that quite questionable. He wants to see me soon and spend time with me as well as EXPECTS a relationship with me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt people dammit but that’s not what I want. I’m confused as I don’t know what to do with the guy I want, yet that doesn’t mean I’ll go for a guy that likes me just because of that. I just don’t know how to nicely turn down people. I tend to just be a bitch to them and that, for some reason, ends up making them more infatuated with me. So does anyone know of a shortcut for that?
It seems as my confidence has also been crumbling lately. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, it’s just that all these people and these mixed feelings and just everything in general has made me feel like a horrible person. It makes me think that the world has finally won and made me bitter and confused when I could stand strong and cheerful at anything it could send me. I’ve become quite cruel when I express myself of certain groups of people because of experiences I relate to them. I know this is wrong and quite opinionated as I used to be so free loving but good god I’m sick of people trying to step over me because I’m the fun loving sweet one. It’s just that I feel like I’ve been defeated and maybe I’m not as good as I’ve claimed myself to be. I hope that with time the feelings will straighten up, the people will either leave me alone or stick to me for good and I will regain my confidence. I’m not broken yet, I’m just a bit scrapped nothing duct tape can’t fix.
Ok let me start at the beginning. Dawn and I aren’t really that close anymore as I see her more as an acquaintance. Even though most people blame Billy on this I have to say that’s not so. Dawn changed, to my opinion, since I befriended her and the fact that she tried to get with the guy I was so infatuated with and who I was still hurt by while I was hung over him and then lied to me about it was just the last drop. I don’t like the way she’s leading her life and I’m not going to stick with people like that, especially when those people have no sense of loyalty whatsoever.
Second, I’ve gotten quite close to Cortnei. Her and I had some strange conversation in which I confessed that I knew more of her than she knew I had knowledge of and since then the relationship has seemed closer and even better. She’s more of a sister now. Not only that, I have found out that she may be moving in with me. Not only would that be awesome but I think she would be a great influence on me. Maybe if her dedication to certain things could rub off on me I’d become a better human being? Heh, it’s funny how I’m the one with the high self esteem and I want some personality traits of that who has a low one. Lighten up lovely, you’re wonderful.
So as to the whole Cortnei and Sig thing. Well, they’re going on a date since Marygail took my phone and called Sig to ask Cortnei about it. This means that Yisu wins the bet Cortnei and her had. I bet her that she couldn’t ask Sig out. (Which she technically didn’t since Marygail did) XD so now she has to get me a date with a guy I’ve been wanting to meet for a while who she knows. Amusing indeed.
At the same time, within that same topic, I’m not really sure I want to meet the guy anyway. Ok, see it this way. I’m still infatuated with some one I should forget and who holds no affection for me and I want to meet this guy who seems to be pretty awesome, yet I think that if he was to be nice enough or just for a lucky reason he decided to date me then wouldn’t it be unjust for him? I don’t know, I want to meet him. I want to move on and I want to get away from that which hurts me but I’m afraid I may be using him as an escape or may be making this illusion of him which reality will shatter if I’m ever to actually meet him. Any advise?
Have you ever been so infatuated with someone that even long after they’ve told you that it would be better for you to move on and that they refused to have anything with you, you still clung to their memories? Have you ever had to face the person you care about and tell them you’ve moved on because you realized they didn’t really care for you even when you know that’s not real, just because you are attempting to protect a friendship that was damned from the beginning? Heh, I have. It’s sad how even after almost everyone thinks I’ve moved on and how I speak about him to girls in an attempt to find him the girl he wants I can’t stop thinking of him. That’s what happens when I’m around the guy I’m infatuated with. I stop thinking of anything around me or what I was supposed to do. All that matters is that he’s with me (even if not in that way) and that the world may burn in that state of happiness.
Not only that, there’s a friend who cares about me yet I can’t truly return the feeling, especially not to the degree he speaks of it. If some one mentions the word “love” I freak out and dash to the opposite direction. The thing isn’t that it’s him or not. It’s just that it’s a big feeling and one I’m quite terrified at. Besides, I’m also afraid that he may not be able to handle what I am. I think he has this purified version of me in his vision and I’m scared that I’ll shatter it and harm him in that way. He claims I won’t but good god, I’ve done it before.
XD on the other hand I have yet another suitor. Why can I never fall for actual suitors? I always have to chase down the guy. Well he claims to care too though, to tell you the truth, I find that quite questionable. He wants to see me soon and spend time with me as well as EXPECTS a relationship with me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt people dammit but that’s not what I want. I’m confused as I don’t know what to do with the guy I want, yet that doesn’t mean I’ll go for a guy that likes me just because of that. I just don’t know how to nicely turn down people. I tend to just be a bitch to them and that, for some reason, ends up making them more infatuated with me. So does anyone know of a shortcut for that?
It seems as my confidence has also been crumbling lately. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, it’s just that all these people and these mixed feelings and just everything in general has made me feel like a horrible person. It makes me think that the world has finally won and made me bitter and confused when I could stand strong and cheerful at anything it could send me. I’ve become quite cruel when I express myself of certain groups of people because of experiences I relate to them. I know this is wrong and quite opinionated as I used to be so free loving but good god I’m sick of people trying to step over me because I’m the fun loving sweet one. It’s just that I feel like I’ve been defeated and maybe I’m not as good as I’ve claimed myself to be. I hope that with time the feelings will straighten up, the people will either leave me alone or stick to me for good and I will regain my confidence. I’m not broken yet, I’m just a bit scrapped nothing duct tape can’t fix.