here comes the real...
It's time for some real talk!
I have a chronic case of the independents. It's been an affliction since I was a little kid. I learned that there was no one better to take care of me than me. I had this insane ability to put faith in people at the wrong times, then I get hurt/upset/bitter when people let me down. Over the years, I learned that the only person that I could really trust was me. I developed this mentality that I was automatically the last on the list of anyone's concerns/cares/thoughts/etc.
Then I fooled around and wanted to get into a relationship.
I'm fully aware of the fact that in an adult relationship, there are two different individuals that choose to bring their lives together for various reasons. The fun part of that is thinking through all the crazy that can happen. Lemme say it seems to be even more intense when the two adults are separated for a good amount of time.
I am also aware that doing the long distance thing is not going to be easy. For me, the idea is that no matter what, if you really love the person, it's just a small blip on the radar of a potential lifetime of happiness to be separated for a while. I still believe that, but also, some stuff gets real. What I did not anticipate was that there would be tough feelings on either side. I did not anticipate that there would be times where a conversation about things is not what's up, so that's not going to be on the agenda (no matter how much better it would make the other party feel).
Today I felt anxious, as things just didn't feel "on". I could tell something was maybe bothering her, but of course, she is like me, so we don't always want to speak about things right as we're going through them. Apparently, I was being way too excited about things, while she is going through some feels and anxiety. I didn't pick up on this, she had to let me know that this was the case. Why did I feel like I had messed up? I was upset a bit that I couldn't help her feel better while she was in the moment. I felt like I was actually making things worse, even though I wanted to help. That sucked. However, I had to realize that I am dealing with a fully formed adult person. Just because I am excited for her to be experiencing something new and different does not mean that she's not living through some apprehension and fear. The key to that is also realizing that it has nothing to do with me. I could be making things worse at the moment, but I'm (hopefully) not being a huge problem maker.
I need to make sure that I keep in mind that there is a whole different set of emotions at work here. She has a fully formed personality and way of getting through things that need to be expressed before she feels good about stuff. No matter how I'm feeling at the moment. I need to understand that this is the case and nothing that I can do will switch that up. The best that I can do is be open to listening to what's happening and being available for when the conversations need to happen. I'm one of those people who needs to be able to help solve issues all the time, so I forget that the process can be completely different for other people.
I'm trying to be patient and keep that in mind. This is just the beginning of things. She's been gone for less than a week. She's about to embark on something that's going to change her life. I don't always get that because I'm the one that's left behind. The best thing that I can do for her is pray about things and keep myself in a good place. I was disappointed in our interactions tonight, but I am happy that this is giving me an opportunity to realize that there are many other factors involved that do not include me, I just happen to be a piece in the middle of a lot of thoughts. I have to work on that patience and that grace. Especially when we're only able to work through things over email or text. Things could get particularly hairy.
Although, I will say. I'm happy that I'm doing all this learning with her. She's worth the effort and the time. Always.
I have a chronic case of the independents. It's been an affliction since I was a little kid. I learned that there was no one better to take care of me than me. I had this insane ability to put faith in people at the wrong times, then I get hurt/upset/bitter when people let me down. Over the years, I learned that the only person that I could really trust was me. I developed this mentality that I was automatically the last on the list of anyone's concerns/cares/thoughts/etc.
Then I fooled around and wanted to get into a relationship.
I'm fully aware of the fact that in an adult relationship, there are two different individuals that choose to bring their lives together for various reasons. The fun part of that is thinking through all the crazy that can happen. Lemme say it seems to be even more intense when the two adults are separated for a good amount of time.
I am also aware that doing the long distance thing is not going to be easy. For me, the idea is that no matter what, if you really love the person, it's just a small blip on the radar of a potential lifetime of happiness to be separated for a while. I still believe that, but also, some stuff gets real. What I did not anticipate was that there would be tough feelings on either side. I did not anticipate that there would be times where a conversation about things is not what's up, so that's not going to be on the agenda (no matter how much better it would make the other party feel).
Today I felt anxious, as things just didn't feel "on". I could tell something was maybe bothering her, but of course, she is like me, so we don't always want to speak about things right as we're going through them. Apparently, I was being way too excited about things, while she is going through some feels and anxiety. I didn't pick up on this, she had to let me know that this was the case. Why did I feel like I had messed up? I was upset a bit that I couldn't help her feel better while she was in the moment. I felt like I was actually making things worse, even though I wanted to help. That sucked. However, I had to realize that I am dealing with a fully formed adult person. Just because I am excited for her to be experiencing something new and different does not mean that she's not living through some apprehension and fear. The key to that is also realizing that it has nothing to do with me. I could be making things worse at the moment, but I'm (hopefully) not being a huge problem maker.
I need to make sure that I keep in mind that there is a whole different set of emotions at work here. She has a fully formed personality and way of getting through things that need to be expressed before she feels good about stuff. No matter how I'm feeling at the moment. I need to understand that this is the case and nothing that I can do will switch that up. The best that I can do is be open to listening to what's happening and being available for when the conversations need to happen. I'm one of those people who needs to be able to help solve issues all the time, so I forget that the process can be completely different for other people.
I'm trying to be patient and keep that in mind. This is just the beginning of things. She's been gone for less than a week. She's about to embark on something that's going to change her life. I don't always get that because I'm the one that's left behind. The best thing that I can do for her is pray about things and keep myself in a good place. I was disappointed in our interactions tonight, but I am happy that this is giving me an opportunity to realize that there are many other factors involved that do not include me, I just happen to be a piece in the middle of a lot of thoughts. I have to work on that patience and that grace. Especially when we're only able to work through things over email or text. Things could get particularly hairy.
Although, I will say. I'm happy that I'm doing all this learning with her. She's worth the effort and the time. Always.