Morning Reflections
This is what happens. You're in the dark, kissing a woman you've been dying to kiss for as long as you can remember, and it feels just as you always imagined it would... for the first time in memory you're not fearing the consequences, not thinking about the inevitable complications and you're floating, suspended in this perfect, translucent moment where nothing else exists.
-Jonathan Tropper
This is what it feels like. This is exactly what it felt like. As I sat in my bed, I contemplated the gravity of the situation that had unfurled itself, blowing my mind.
Twenty-five minutes earlier, I was sitting at Heart and Dagger being thoroughly entertained by stories of college shenanigans while nursing a Jack and Coke. Monica had invited me to meet a couple of friends that she knew from her time in college around the Boston area. Their spirited laughter sent my mind racing, formulating visuals of the scenarios they described, broken up by fits of laughter. There was an ease in this exchange, even though they hadn't seen each other in years, that demonstrated the strength of the friendship they shared. As the glasses were gradually emptied, everyone decided it was time to retire and attempt to wrench a few hours of sleep out of this evening. Monica asked if I would give her a ride home. Of course, I threw my hands up in sarcastic protest (can't make anything too easy, now), even though she lived exactly 7 minutes away from my house. Yes, I had indeed done the math on that one, a fact that didn't seem as nerdy to me then. I was hoping for a little bit of alone time with her, since the recent rash of texts between us, I found myself wanting more and more of her attention.
The opportunity that I'd been waiting for had presented itself (OH SNAP!). In typical Justin fashion, I'd blow her mind with something witty as f*@k, then parlay that into an opportunity for prolonging the hangout before the inevitable end of the evening. We all parted and I awkwardly hung back a bit while goodbyes were meaningfully doled out with hugs. Once the festivities were over, eyes caught and it was on! Except, it wasn't. We walked to my car and I drove her back to her house. So lackluster and smooth (actually, that seems about right). That suave ride back was full of the awkward chuckles and silliness. Although I was living the situation, I at least was going to be able to be able to get the goodbye hug and move forward with life. As we pulled up to her house, she looked me in the eye, said goodbye, spun on her heels and disappeared. Yes, it IS interesting how she went from sitting in my car to spinning on her heels. It was a form of magic that had been heretofore unseen. Crash, burn, boo, hiss, etc.
The trip home was full of errant thoughts and distractions. Obviously, I was trying to figure out what my next move might be. Interestingly enough, I just decided that I would chill out and create a little separation because it was clear to me that I having thoughts which might cause me some heartbreak soon. Get home, get a little sleep, then regroup. As soon as I walked into my room, my phone went off. What the What?! It was Monica. She was having a dance party (why am I never invited to the fun things)? After 10 minutes, I had agreed to get together with her, because she'd come to the conclusion that we should've actually continued to hang out after Heart and Dagger (I repeat, what the WHAT?) I go to pick her up, we drive a little ways to a bar and make the awkward chats. After about 10 minutes, Monica turns to me and explains that over the past few weeks or so, she's developed some kind of interesting attraction. She asks me how I feel about her.
In that dark bar, with the music playing and now having the knowledge of some attraction was all a lot to take in at once. However, I had the opportunity to keep it real and spit out my feelings. I had been holding back the desire to recklessly grab her and kiss her. All of a sudden I figured that if she put herself out there, that I could do the same thing without any issue. I looked her in the eyes for a second, grabbed her around the waist and I went for it. It was crazy to do, but it was also kinda amazing. The only thing that I could think was: "this is happening, this is happening, this is happening". It wasn't the most sultry kiss, but the world definitely faded away while I held her close to me. It was everything that I'd wanted made real. The electricity and excitement drowned out everything that was happening around me.