(no subject)
You ever feel like you know the answer and it is on the tip of your tongue and when someone tells you what it is, you feel like you really should have already known that? I keep getting the feeling like I am on the verge of some sort of self discovery/a bit of recovery from the larger depression from the last few years. I keep hitting certain point in this continuing cycle of 'I am fat lazy ugly immature not living up to my potential' to 'Everyone is selfish, lazy, immature, insecure, ENOUGH and OF VALUE' it just takes time, and no one is perfect (and back again). Someone out there will love me for all of the good things that I am, and put up with all the bad things that I am, and I for them. Just because I haven't met them yet, or I HAVE and wasn't looking or never will, doesn't mean they aren't out there. I know these are true. I relive them and am proven these things to be true all the time. I don't want to use it as an excuse to not reach for the security and comfort I want, but to be a brave enough to look myself in the eye when I see myself in the mirror, to say it is okay to want and ask for attention if I am not getting what I need. I know I am a good person, and I know these other things are true, but I need to get myself to a point where I am no longer guilty for taking up more time, more space, more attention. How to keep these things in mind and step forward with courage and confidence is something I haven't hit on yet. I know people have told me all of this, and I have paid people to tell me this eventually, but it never got through, and I am not sure when it will get through, but it feels like it is knocking on my brain these days.
In other news, for now, Korea is still something I want to work towards. That something better can happen for me by going that route. At least that is the oppertunity that I know of that I can try. I have that strong desire to do it, just like Evergreen, so I need to know why. I need to at least try, and if I don't like it, then I will wait a couple of months and if it feels unsafe, then just leave. Many people left for different reasons, some mere annoyance. I just don't want to regret not doing it. I want to not be afraid of leaving my spaces.
I guess that is all.
Erin
In other news, for now, Korea is still something I want to work towards. That something better can happen for me by going that route. At least that is the oppertunity that I know of that I can try. I have that strong desire to do it, just like Evergreen, so I need to know why. I need to at least try, and if I don't like it, then I will wait a couple of months and if it feels unsafe, then just leave. Many people left for different reasons, some mere annoyance. I just don't want to regret not doing it. I want to not be afraid of leaving my spaces.
I guess that is all.
Erin