(no subject)
i got news today that I wanted to share with you.
there are going to be things all the time
you said i was mean to you
and i assume that was specifically referring to when I told you you are manipulative
and while I believe that I have been mean to you in other ways
ways that I don't even realise
ways that I don't even understand
I have not shown you empathy and put myself first multiple times
and will continue to do that
because even though it is always my intent to have respect for you, and everyone i interact with there are times that I will have a human response that is not respectful or kind
and you are right, my trauma means that i struggle to be vulnerable with people
and if I think you're going to hurt me, i will lash out
but I'm trying to be as honest as possible
something that I will constantly remind myself is that talking to you makes me feel absolutely insane
i can't get away from that and i don't fault you for that but I can't really get away from that
literally every time we talk we someone can't reach the same conclusion
but even now
even though that is not your intent
and I want to go along with it because I want to help you
but I cannot continue to let myself be toxic in that way
you have been manipulating me into doing things for you
and I have to be strong in my boundaries when I say that I won't allow that
or else I am just as complicit in it as you are
so i don't even really want to tell you
because it's not just tell you that I want to do
i want to celebrate with you
i want to be celebrated by you
i want to be supported by you
but we can't do that anymore