(no subject)
I guess
I just wanted to write about how I know you can’t understand
Because we keep having the same arguments over and over
I’ve been watching daisy jones and the six. There’s a song in it that goes ‘did we unravel a long time ago? is there too much we don’t want to know? we lost and we cou’dnt let it go. I wish it was easy but it isn’t so whoa, we can make a good thing bad. How did we get here, how do we get out, we used to be something to see but baby, look at us now. this thing that we’ve doin aint workin’ out. Why can’t you just admit it to me.’
And as I was watching the show and just anything about couples or love makes me think of you.
I’ve also been thinking about how this is my first real relationship and this is my first (23rd) break up and how it feels so much right now but because this is not the first time I’ve lost someone. But I also have been thinking about the way other people talk about you when I talk about you. And I think I just don’t have anyone to talk to about you anymore because I want to lament so much and they just want me to shut up. They just don’t get how I know how amazing you are and how much it’s going to hurt me when you don’t want me the way you want me now. And I can’t keep thinking about how amazing you are or I’ll let you back in.
I have to agree with the idea about the entitlement. It seems like you are entitled to me because I was able to do so many things you need. And maybe that’s where the things come from hanna. You aren’t entitled to my honesty- especially since we were nothing to each other then. And also that you’re not upset that I talk to Kenisha drives me crazy. But maybe that’s just because I’m easily swayed. I don’t know I just because I’m not getting out of it and of course that’s not what friendship or relationship is for- and we’re not friends so I guess it’s ok. But also it helps me because I think if I was to go back to you I would just be a submissive people pleaser or maybe it doesn’t matter at all and I just have to focus on getting over you. And when you don’t talk to me it’s easier for me to forget you. Easier for me to remember a time before you, remember my own needs before yours.
When the lead singers are writing their second song they are talking about times when you do something even though it’s hopeless. I always hoped that wasn’t what we are. But that’s what it reminded me of when we were talking last night. You keep having to come to the same conclusions that I’ve drawn for you countless times.
I literally cry and feel bad every time we talk but I can’t help myself. Any time I get the chance to talk to you I want to. I want to tell you about me, I want to hear about you. I want things to be fine with you. But they’re not and that’s not my problem. I’ve always taken on more than I should have - and maybe I gave you too much too - when it comes to you. But for you to put a block in the way of us being together because you can’t trust me is nuts because there were so many times when I tried to stop us to be together. And we got back together because I don’t’ have as good boundaries as you.
I just realised t his could kind of be a book.