(no subject)
we were fighting last night
but i don't even remember what we were fighting about
because i didn't mean to be fighting
i dont think this is why but none the less
i don't see you as a victim
just because you have trauma doesn't mean you're a victim
and just because you're triggered or re-traumatized or have sensitivities, boundaries and needs that are related to your trauma it does not make you a victim
i don't see myself as a victim
trauma happens and just because it changes how we see the world it doesn mean that it always has to be a negative reflection of you
you are strong and brave and smart and skilled, not because of things happening to you, not in spite of time but because you ahve built a life for yourself
but trauma responses come in reactions not actions
they don't come in the intentional things that we do
they come in how things effect us
needing to clean
or be clean
have certain kinds of food
or attention
or determining the kind of relationship that builds strength and intention
i can see and be change.
and even the little things you did made me feel so loved and appreciated
in a way that i didn't feel before.
these were the little things i was looking for
and i see you change after we broke up
in ways i didn't see before
and even when i wanted to reset to change the expectations you had for me because i knew they were unattainable for both of us you still held me to them because it's hard to change but it's hard for me too and that's why i was asking for help
maybe that's what we were fighting about
because you weren't changing enough
i remember you getting annoyed at me for saying that you should have sent your cousin to do something on his own so we could have alone time.
but like that makes sense to me.
why would we put him as a priority when our relationship was struggling?
i know you liked me standing up for myself
and setting my boundaries
but i realised i would always have to ask for my needs to be met
and it's exhausting
but even now you're not always nice to me.
it's your quick tongue
you don't take the time to process what you're saying in a nice way.
but i used to get so hurt because i was so sensitive to waht you're saying
but i doesn't bother me
i don't have the same expectations of you
and i don't get hurt in the same way i did when i expected you to take care of me
because i can say things to you
i can say that you're being weird or mean or we can talk about it
and we weren't able to do that when we were together.
i feel stronger when we're friends
when i can stand up for my needs
when i feel in control of my boundaries.
i guess something that I was able to see when i stepped back is that I'm not sure what you were giving me that anyone else could give me.
the things i hold you to in expectations are just things i would expect my partner to do
but this is something i said in that conversation to adele. i forgot about it. i said i couldn't be with you right now. I need to work on stuff it's not that i dont' want to i eagerly want to be wrapped in your arms, attended to and loved by you
i'm still hurt i'm still mad i need to fit myself back into the person i know i am the things i put away to make myself small