(no subject)
I want to type these words to you
I hear your voice saying did you miss me?
Of course I missed you.
I told you I missed you.
Every second of every day my mind is coming up with excuses to talk to you
to ask how you're doing
did you check on this thing or that
do you need me to do something for you
talk to me so I don't have to be the one to reach out.
But we were together like an hour and I knew i shouldn't have gone
i knew i should have made some excuse to not make everything about me
to change things
so that you are you and I am me and we do not revolve around each other.
because the second you hugged me in the car
the second you hid your smile
I'm hooked
you are so amazing
so vulnerable
and beautiful
but we can't even spend an hour together without fighting
without me being an absolute dick to you
without us struggling to communicate
without our feelings getting in the way of being able to be friends.
I genuinely believe we're better as friends
when i stick my nose out of your business
when we are able to make our own decisions
not so dependant on each other to get through everyday
but you are a loss
my world is so much smaller without you
my mom still loves you by the way
she told me she hoped that we could make it work
but i also told her that I don't feel capable of being loved
and i push you away
but that doesnt make me forget all the ways you brought me in
all the ways you showed me to be a better person
and cared for me when I needed it
helped me see what i could be
I can still feel your fingers inside me
i can still see our little life
I can only picture you
but I know i'm not fair to you
pinning all my hopes and dreams on you
and deciding you are going to take care of that for me.
to take care of me
and being too scared to take ownership of it
to love you the way you need to be loved
to show you the way I love you
and it hurts both of us.