(no subject)
ok,
cant sleep
cant stop crying
cant talk to you
you know what i just feel betrayed
i dont think it's that you're going to see andrea
i don't think it's that you're choosing to spend time with her
i can't stand hearing about her
because it makes me so sad to hear you talking so painfully about someone you love
and that you're willing to make yourself so small
and be so sad
and it was really fine when i wasn't sure how you felt
or that you just needed advice
but when you knew you shouldn't be with her
and you stayed anyway
it pisses me off
but i get knowing that you should be somewhere at some time to learn something
or help with something
i do that too
it doesn't stop it hurting
and my brain tells me you'll do that to me too
because i'm meaner than you need
i'm not as sensitive
i don't think before i speak
or realise what my words mean
i hold back when i'm not sure
i know these things hurt you
and they change you
and i know you need more
and i'm not changing for you
it's that i thought the reason you weren't spending time with me is because you were choosing to take care of yourself
at what point did she text you
is this you taking care of yourself
i just feel betrayed
i stayed up late to talk to you
and im so tired
i let my feelings get so big
and float around me
and let me get lose
and i feel like i got slapped in the face
completely blindsided
but you were telling me something
and i wasn't listening
you were getting clothes together.
I thought that was just to go take the keys
and you clipped your nails
when you hug up to talk to jay
i lay in my bed trying to convince myself to not be excited that you were coming to see me
because i knew you might be going to see her
but i wanted you to be coming to see me
and i already felt so useless from not being able to stop you from being in pain
i was so happy yesterday
and i just feel so stupid today
and the thing is that that's on me
that's not on you
that's on me.
i'm the one who hasn't been clear about my intentions
or expectations
or what we're even doing
but 2 days ago i said i was in love with you
and you said you loved me
and you tried to pay for my gas
and that was so hot
i'm feeling mad that you wanted me to be transparent
but i feel like you weren't
but maybe it's beause you feel like i'm not being transparent in the bigger picture
the truth matters so much to you
but you clearly have no problem lying if you think it will make things easier for the people around you
but i can't see your thoughts either
and i was too busy being in the moment to over think
but now that's all i can do