(no subject)
ok so i've noted this recently but i'll just state again that i'm not doing great
i recently brought up to a friend that i feel like i'm more tired than i was last year around this time
because i used to go on cute little trips to the water by myself
and they reframed the situation as that I was
this is very interesting to me as i thought i was MORE depressed now
but i guess here's the thing I would say that i'm just feeling more of my feelings
but i think around this time last year i was trying really hard to feel my feelings too
so i'm not convinced about that
i literally should be asleep
i'm high as fuck
like i was having trouble having a conversation
but then i also took a WHOLE melatonin
i don't know
this doesn't seem like super healthy behaviour to me?
last summer/ fall i was making very clear intentions to try to go out and do fun things
and get out of my house
i still have those intensions
i just spend less time wanting to drive around like a loner baby
i don't remember being concerned last year that gas cost so much money?
My insurance went down this year
not as much as i would like
but still i was fairly certain i would have to pay a significant amount more.
so that's a great way to start the year
anyway, the reason i felt the need to write something is that i was super unimpressed by a lot of my actions this week
like i just feel like i'm not able to compartmentalize
and the cracks are really showing through in inappropriate situations
like i didn't do any of my course work AGAIN
and i had to take it home
which is fairly annoying
and yeah i got a lot of really helpful feedback from my friend
but it's just a lot of drama to process at work
and also i lied to my therapist because i feel like i'm constantly talking about the same thing
so anyway the thing where i can't concentrate on the things i need to be doing and the personal and the obligatory
and it makes me feel very stressed that i'm not completing my obligations
like my friend who i have been unloading on over the last 2 weeks took a personal day today
and obviously, i feel like i contributed to them not feeling great
which im pretty sure is an over simplification
but i'm still not happy about the amount i'm interacting with them
it's not that i don't want to share my emotions with them
it's that i want to consciously share emotions in a way that i can process, resolve or move on from them
instead of just leading them leak out of me and then feeling like i overshared and having an vulnerability hangover
because just sitting with all these thoughts in my head is really just making me go crazy.
but i have been fairly over whelmed lately
well for a while like MONTHS i have been on a fucking emotional rollercoaster
like i can think of since March? or april? like around easter
has it been longer
like if it's been longer it's not really a fucking phase it's just me having bad habits
but anyway i feel like i'm just repeating behaviours that are going to lead to me being more and more burnt out
and im ignoring my emotions
instead of processing them i'm just shoving them down
i don't think i'm goignt od o anything aobut that
but cue me coming back in 2 months and complaining about it again
like i literally just dicked around today instead of hanging out with sarah
like we had 3 genuine interactions
and i was ignoring her the rest of the time
i hate that
and it makes me feel bad
and it makes me want to overcompensate
so then i was thinking about cleaning
because that's how i show my usefulness
even though i'm super stressed about
but honestly everything in this condo feels digusting and i can't tell if i'm making it up or not
like thigns are gross anyway
but i feel like it's more of an anxiety thing
but maybe i'm just avoiding having to legitimately clean
i really need to clean my closet
and i haven't cleaned most of my bthroom in like 3 weeks
it's straight up disgusting
but i don't feel like the rest of the house is at that level
i just don't feel like it's been deep-cleaned well enough
i kinda want to scrub the floor
but i dont actually want to do that
and i can't tell if i'll feel better or not after
because i'm pretty sure that i wouldn't feel like it was any cleaner
or worse that i wasn't able to clean it as well as i want to or that i wouldnt follow through my actions #adhd
and then i'll feel more failed
and somethign that was supposed to make me feel better actually made me feel worse
because it's not fixing the problem of me not processing my emotions
it's just solving another problem that i made up (even it ift's kind of real) that i'm not contributing well enough and making myself useful enough so that i can solve it to make myself feel better.
anyway im going to hang out with someone tomorrow
i'm legit not sure if it's a date or not
we're going grocery shopping and then maybe coffee
but the thing is that i'ts already causing me anxiety because whether she's a friend or something else I will have to make time to spend with her
which mean that i might have to choose to spend time with her over other people
additionally, she lives far away and doesn't drive
so i will have to transport myself around which is not a real problem
but of course i need something to freak out about
and i'm still pretty stressed about travelling around christmas.