(no subject)
you asked me if there was more that i wanted you to hear
i wanted you to hear you are insecure
you don't feel secure inside yourself that others love you
and you need that external validation
and that's a huge expectation to have on another person
and you give mixed messages
because you want everyone to get what they need
but it's ok to be needy
but the thing is - i'm needy too. but i don't think you realised that
because i dont constantly tell you what i need
or expect you to fill my needs
and it's hard to keep up with
and i did feel sufficated a lot of the time when we were together
sure, we could have gone to couples councelling
but i wasn't ready to invest that much into you yet
and blamed myself
i blamed my trauma
and my autism
and all my friends told me keep going
or i would have ended things so much sooner
but i trusted this little voice in my head that told me to keep trying
but maybe i didn't need to put that all on myself
i still don't know why you like me
what you get from me
what makes you want to be with me
i don't know
andi don't trust it
so i get worried that i'll lose it
that youll stop being fixated on me
so i worry about when that's gone
you'll be gone
but i should have asked for waht i needed
you don't trust me
you trust my knowlege
and that i'll take care of you
and that i'll listen to you
and that i'll be there
but
you get worried when i actually show my feelings
and you make things weird when you're sad you hurt me
i dont' understand why you want to be with me
when you know that i dont iknow what i want
and i can't give you what you need
what would you do if i actually responded to you?
instead of just letting oyu compliment me
and staring back at you
what if i told you how hot i thought you were
waht if told you what i was thinking when you were staring at me
you have this expectation that everyone is thinking the same way as you
or has the same knowledge as you
but just like others have things to learn
so do you
and that's what a relationship is
being open and honest
and communicating
and trusting that another
i wanted you to hear that i like holding your hand
holding you close
being close to you
you're very soft
your skin is very soft
but i also like looking at you
you have you're pretty
you're pretty hot
but you also just have the most beautiful face
i think i could just stare at it forever
and you call me hot
when i'm slouched over
and my eyebrows are a disaster
and my skin looks rough
i forgot what else i wanted to write
waht i've been wandering around my house thinking about for the last 2 hours
oh yes
i was thinking about you
i think you forgot the part where i also get obsessed
with people
with things
that's on ADHD
and addictive personality
yes it will fade
eventually
if i let it
do you think i loved you
maybe i was just in love with you
but i forgot what it feels like
because i told myself it was obsession
or infatuation
or just fixation
but i haven't let it
and you haven't either
and when we together feel easy
but it's not enough
i didn't wear those pants for you
but you do comment on them every time you see them
i feel super comfortable in tight clothes
i think that's why i feel so comfortable in my bathing suit
and those really are my favourite pants
thinking about you
why did you ask me this morning what I'd written
i really wasn't expecting that
i didn't write any of those things with the intention of sharing it with you
why did you want to know
right before you go hang out with your girl friend?
why are you nto telling me why
why are not telling me what your'e thinking
how you feel about waht i said
heavy
what does that mean
i'm heavy
my thoughts are heavy
and now you're not answering me
you just asked me more questions
asked me for more
but you're pulling me in
and ilike that
i like to gravitate to you
you know how you said i'm ok with not knowing
you couldn't be more wrong
i want to know everything
but i don't let myself
because i want to know more
and im too afraid to ask.
because it's not good for me
it will make me sad
and scared
and triggered
because i can't fix it
and i will make it about me
because i internalize it
and decide it's because i did everything wrong
and i don't deserve to feel that way
because my coping mechanism is to shut down
but you don't see that
you think i don't care
but my heart is too big
and my head is too full
i've been thinking about that a lot lately
there are just some people that know how i'm feeling
because i will give them an opening
i'll say something like 'i'm fine' with a smile that says i have more to say or that i'm not saying what i'm thinking
but i'm also pretty good at saying 'i'm ok' with a smile that really says i'm ok so i don't ahve to open up and no one will worry about me.
you' ve caught onto that a little
when it's interesting to you
when i'm answering what you want to hear
but i'm almost never going to come out and say how i'm feeling
that takes up too much emotional space
and i feel liek a burden
but if someone asks me
creates a safe space
i'll spill my guts
and then over think if i was over sharing
trauma dumping
info dumping
trauma bonding
and usually end up feeling terrible.
it's not your fault
i'm not mad
it's just not the space you hold for me
but this is not the life that i want
and whne someone shows you who they are over and over you're supposed to believe them