(no subject)
it's not weird
are you sure
are you sure you're not going to be weird
you're weird
im weird
we make things weird
you want us to be open and honest
but we dont' communicate the same way
i can't help that
you cant help that
i don't trust you
my body feels it
and im so used to rejecting what my body feels
because it will always panic first
so but i will know when i trust you
because i like you
you're fun
and you have nice things to say
and i like hearing about your day
and your life
and i like that you're in my life
i don't trust myself
it's one of the things i'm working on
because i push past my natural bounaries
go outside my window of tolerance
and i do that and i don't trust myself
because my comfort zone is so small
and the things i want are not small
or even if they are they are just out of reach
but if i don't continue to try to trust myself i never will
and i will just keep doing this
and im tired of being on the emotional rollercoaster
because you know what's at the end of the rollercoaster?
getting off
falling to the ground
throwing up
maybe having to be picked up by someone else
and then running away
and having to start all over again
you're not responsible for other people's emotions
that's only ok when i say it
it's not something i'm comfortable being held accountable to
you would know something about that
I'm not responsible for your emotions
i'm watching grey's anatomy
trying to feel my fucking feelings
this show pisses me off so much
everyone is running around
being dramatic all of the time
feeling their feelings
and making exaggerated statements
and doing things that are just not possible
and it drives me crazy
my mind can't reconcile that
but then i find a way to feel the same way their feeling
or see what i'm feeling in them
i got called a late bloomer the other day
someone who usually respects me said she could see that i'm a late bloomer
i don't know why it bothered me so much other than it felt condescending
i don't think of myself as a late bloomer
i do things in my own time
but it's not my fault i got a late start.
i was literally held back
and i had other priorities
and it wasn't because i was lazy
or scared
it was because i wasn't in a place to bloom
and maybe i thought i had bloomed
but i keep learning more
keep seeing more
that i missed out on
but i got to do so many other things
and i have so many different experiences
and but during that time i packed away what i want
because i didn't think i could have it
or that it isn't for me
you say waht you want
and you just expect it to happen
that's wishful thinking
i do it too
but it doesn't always work that way
i need time
i'm not done giving myself time
just to be clear that's not giving up
it's just saying it's not the end yet
we're just walking together
but sometimes i need to rest.