(no subject)
i'm super high right now
so i wasnt'g oign to write this
becuasei thought it would be super negative
but i think it will be a lesson to be learned
i really didn't want to hang out with you today
but i did because i wasn't sure when the next time we would be hang out would be
and i didn't want to not hang out with you
and you can't have everything you want all the time
sometimes you just have to jump at the opportunities put infront of you
but watch out because i just give away all my secrets
because i know you won't notice
but i can't say no to you all the time
i can't handle your reaction to being rejected
it reminds me of my mom
the same way getting gifts reminds me how i need to pretend to like her gifts that don't matter to me and it bothers me when anyone else gives me gifts because i don't know what it means or whati owe them
my social battery was drained already
i was so tired
but i wasn't sure when the next time you would be able to hang out would be
and i miss you
but you give me attention and i can't give that up
and you are so fucking beautiful
will i miss you when you're gone?
maybe
but you're already gone
so i know i miss you
the entire time we were hanging out i felt like iw as going to cry
im pretty sure that's hormones
because i felt like i was going to throw up too
but i knew i shouldn't go
but i think i had a good time anyway
i had actual things to do
but now i'm sitting around just feeling absolutely sedated.
i like when i hold your attention
i think though that i am someone that you should not be hanging out with
you can't handle that i don't trust you
and i don't like that either
but something that this week has reminded me is that I don't ahve to try so hard with people
some people just give me what ineed without any prompting
and there are people that give those things to you too
when i was tlaking to matt and he suddenly thanked me for helping him
he was realyl thanking me for my time and my knowledge and my emotional labour
but i feel so much that you just take what you need
and i don't get my needs met
you don't trust me either
i internalize everything
and when everything you say about me is a critism
even if its funny
even if it's a joke
i still take it in
even if it's a compliment
it's not meeting the expectation of me being totally unlovable.
i know you know i'm hot
but i think you just have a set of stardards that whether or not they are fair or universal, i can't keep up with
it didn't really bother me that we didn't have sex a month into knowing each other
it's nuts to me that you would want to on the second date
and the thing is that you wanted to have sex on the second date
but it doesnt actually matter
because what it means is that. i was uncomfortable and you couldn't see it
and we don thave to go at the same speed because we're not in a relationship
and it doens't mean that i will always want to go this speed
or that there are not other people who would not be comfortable going this speed
instead of feeling like they need to be patient