Ten Ways Matt Lost His Virginty : The Date
Before you read, let's review what's happened to Matt as of now. . .
- Lost his virginity(?) to a cucumber attached to a cardboard Elvis found behind a dumpster.
- Gave crabs to a nun he thought was his boss's girlfriend whilst working at the restaurant.
- Worked as a fluffer (read: dick-sucker) for a porn movie set dressed as a girl.
I really hate Sunday nights. At the same time, I can't help loving them. Being alone, in the darkness. With magazines spread over the bed.
"Oh. . .OH! That's a good one!"
Every week I like to go through all of them and cut out all the best shots. Then I paste them on to a huge cardboard until none of it is visible. My wanking collages. The bigger, the better. That way when I'm about to explode, I can see nothing but hot, gooey goodness.
Yeah, they're fucking great. When you're alone.
"Matt, guess who I saw-AWWWW FOR FUCK'S SAKE! IT'S A WALL OF DICKS!"
What a waste, I came to the horrified look on Dom's face. It was all over my neck and chin.
"Ahhh, SICK!"
"Shut up. I should be the one upset. You broke into my home and intruded on my most intimate moments."
"No, I didn't. The door was open, just like your windows always are when you're dressing. Now can you please pull your trousers up and wipe that shit off?"
"If you don't like it, then PISS OFF. Wait a moment. It never occurred to me that this is the first time you see jizz! Wanna touch it?"
Hehehehe. HEHEHEHEHE! I'm a sucker for first-times, so fuck me. Anyway, I wiped a bit of it from my chin with tissue and offered it to him.
"FUCK YOU!"
He slapped my hand away and the wad landed over my collage, then it started slipping slowly down. He sighed deeply and then smiled. Shithole. He's going to clean it if he knows what's good for him. How dare he waste one of my precious, soft, pink, flower-scented TISSUES??! And my jizz. . .My precious jizz! Does he not KNOW how hard one has got to wank to get that much out?! Of course he doesn't Matt, he can't even GET THE BLOODY THING UP!
"You would have been right ten minutes ago. But you're WRONG! I FUCKING CAME!"
WHAT??????!!!!!! HE JIZZED HIMSELF AND I WASN'T THERE TO SEE HIS FACE??! Why do I always miss this kind of stuff? Then to top it off, he has to break into the most horrifyingly disgusting dance I have ever seen. And at the same time, the sight of Dom's small bum shaking in ways I could never imagine was turning me on. . .
"STOP IT! JUST STOP! AHHHH! I need eye bleach. Anyway, why exactly did you come?"
He leaped on the bed, forgetting that my trousers were still down. I need to pull those up in case he dances again. . .
"Cos I saw her! The girl I told you about. The one."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Ahhh. . .I don't think I could have felt more sorry for the poor sod even if I wanted to.
"HAH! That's impossible. It couldn't have been her."
Surely there is no harm in that. He would never guess in a million years that his beloved is ME.
"It WAS!! I'm sure of it!"
I stroked my chin as I looked into his eyes. By god, he WAS sure of it. I decided to take a mental note to check under the bed for the dress and the wig. He was fun to play around with.
"Even so. Isn't it pathetic that you came to the mere site of her? I'm assuming she wasn't, ahh, naked or anything, right? Of course I am. You'd probably die from sheer happiness."
Why was he just sitting there like an absolute idiot? And most importantly, why aren't you ignoring me and shaking your bum?!
"Yeah. . .that is a bit lame. I, ahh, should probably go to sleep now. Have fun with this. . .this dick poster."
What the hell was that?! That was the first time I'd ever left Dom without him going completely hysterical on me. HE FINALLY SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Could it be that he was actually in love. . .?
Just then the phone rang.
"Yeah, who the fuck is this?"
"Christ! Is that the way you answer everyone?"
The bloke on the other line could not sense my annoyance at being disturbed at 2 AM. Instead he opted for being an idiot and chuckling. But he sounded familiar and his voice was hot, so he was quickly forgiven.
No. . .it couldn't be him. . .could it. . .??!
"No, just twats who call at this time. Who are you anyway?"
He covered the phone with one hand as he proceeded to laugh at me.
"Stop laughing, you moron!"
"Oh god, this is funny. But you, ahh, really can't, uhhh, recognise me?"
"So it IS you! Hehehehe!"
I admit. I'm an absolute sucker for phone sex.
"This isn't phone sex, Matt, so you don't need to get so excited. I don't know where you got that idea. Unless you can read my mind. . ."
I almost shat myself. HOW THE FUCK DID HE KNOW I WAS THINKING ABOUT PHONE SEX?! I'm convinced, he is a god.
"Ahh. . .phone sex? I think YOU'RE the one who had that in mind, cos I never mentioned it. But really, what do you want from me? I already quit AND I cleaned your bathroom TWICE, to make up for my wank-"
"I don't want anything from you. Wait! No, I do, actually. Sort of. I wanted to ask you out on a proper date. Not that what happened back in the kitchen was a date to begin with. . ."
Was he trying to give me a massive heart attack?! Couldn't he be more subtle? It's not a very gentlemanly thing to do to ask a respectable lady, such as myself, out in such an inelegant manner. He ought to be rejected just for that. But he has such a nice knob. . .
"Matt? MATT! Are you salivating on the receiver?!"
"No. No! Of course not! Anyway, where and when do you want to go? I'm busy, you know."
"God, you're telling me. You're just a kid, imagine having to manage five different businesses and on top of that travel and write books."
"What are you trying to say?! That I'm too busy being a dick all the time instead of actually doing work? Well SCREW YOU AND YOUR STUPID PITY DATE! I'd rather wank off to a used condom than-"
"No! That's not what I meant at all. God, I suck talking on the phone. You pick where and when and everything else. I'll make sure to make time for it."
That's right. I'm in charge. No, he is. But still. He thinks that I am, and that's all that matters.
"Ok. Listen up and listen up good. I don't want any of this romantic shit. I wanna get laid. So this is how it's going to be. I'm going to get to your house at around 7:00 tomorrow. By then, you shall just be ready to serve me a nice, enormous, incredibly lavish dinner that you slaved away in the kitchen for six hours to make. Then we'll eat, all the while you wear NOTHING and spoon-feed me. Then after that, you're going to fuck me. Then you're going to repeat this as many times as necessary to knock me out-or destroy my hole, whichever happens first. Then when I wake up the next morning, you're going to fuck me AGAIN. Oh, and then you can give me whatever incredibly expensive gift you thoughtfully and painstakingly picked for me after dressing me and driving me home."
Silence. HOW CAN HE BE SILENT?! He's supposed to answer quickly with a submissive, "yes, darling, anything you say."
"I think. . .I don't think I've ever taken such a calculating, manipulative, blunt, cold bitch out on a date-"
"HOW DARE YOU??! You're the one asking me out-"
"-But I like it. You have no idea what a pain it is to try to fuck someone who doesn't know what they want. And even when you do, it's the opposite. The bitch was so easy screwing her becoming completely tasteless."
There was only one question left.
"So you're NOT in love with me, right?"
Silence.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Am I really that unlovable?!
"Of course not. Just like you don't love me. I merely want to sleep with you."
"Then why don't you just get a whore? Even the most expensive one could come out cheaper than me."
"Cos you give me something they can't You're rather amusing. The way you blush. . .your hormonal outbursts. . ."
I felt a tear come to my eye. It was the first time anyone had ever said they actually liked these things.
"Really? You shouldn't say such things. Then I'll be the one falling in love."
"You. In love. Please."
Sadly enough, if it happened, it wouldn't be the first time. It wasn't my fault though. And it wasn't exactly love either. But it still left a mark. In fact it still kind of burns. . .
I wasn't even looking for it, really. And there wasn't anything I could have done other than sitting elsewhere. Though I can't exactly say that it was bad either cos that would be a bloody lie too. My body cringed slightly as I felt him coming closer. I questioned my fear. It was just some bloke, that's all. What could he have against some loser reading a book during his spare time?
But then my fear grew to a deafening level when I felt his breath on my ear. What the hell was going on? I could hear my hear thumping in my head.
"Sorry. It was a dare. Hope I didn't make you piss yourself or anything."
He snickered. Fuck. This was absolute shit.
"That. . .that was my first kiss."
He and the rest of the crowd began to laugh. I felt hot tears welling up in my eyes so I covered my face with the book.
"Bollocks. No one's that innocent at 15."
That's how I met Dom. Sure, he apologised and eventually we became friends, but he never really knew how badly that had affected me. But then again he's dense.
With that said, thank god for porn. If it hadn't been for it, I would have never been able to get over that. Nor would I have known of the joys of wanking and such. . .
". . .but she turned out to be a man. Not that there's anything gross about the fact that she was a man, obviously, but that she has an artificial orifice in her body. To me, there's nothing more sick than that."
Oh shit. Andreas had been talking all that time. What the fuck could be THAT interesting? Oh yeah, fake holes.
"Really? I think all of her is gross, cos she's a girl. I hate girls."
"But didn't you sleep with them?"
"I tried, but it's hard even with your eyes closed."
"And a cucumber is much better, right?"
"Fuck you. If you or any other bloke had been man enough to fuck me, it wouldn't have been necessary. Besides, you make it sound like I still use them."
That's right. I don't use cucumbers any more. Now it's a dildo. Though no matter how much lube I put on it, I can never get it to go in all the way. It hurts like a bitch half-way. Stupid cucumber fucked up my hole. That's the only thing that ever makes me wish I was a girl. Then I could just use the other hole and I wouldn't need to lube either. I hate that shit too.
"How big was that cucumber again? I want to make sure I'll fit."
Idiot. Even on the phone I could tell he was grinning like the horny douchebag that he is.
"Ahh. . .like a foot, I guess."
"And how thick?"
"Three and a half."
"Good lord! And you didn't rip open. . .you've got one hell of a hole. This should be fun. Unless it's the opposite, where it's all loose and useless. Or it shrivelled up so much it doesn't allow anything in fear that next time it will rip."
He knew too much already.
"HAHAHAHA. Hilarious! No. Just no. Now if you'll excuse me, it's FUCKING 4 AM and I need to sleep. You should probably too, since you need to go buy me something and stuff. . ."
How the hell did he know about my hole?! I hung up on him before he could say another word and possibly back out on me if he knew my hole still hurts. And does he ever shut up? I hope he doesn't talk this much when we shag.
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I woke up the next morning with a massive headache. That bastard had kept me up all night with his shit life story. Whatever. He's going to fuck me tonight. So goodbye, Pinkie. We had some lovely memories. .
Wait, no! Stupid shit dildo! You never even satisfied me. Not even once. Fuck you!
"OWWWWWWW! What the hell was-OOOH!"
Crap. I HAD to remember the dildo didn't work. And I HAD to throw it out the window too, apparently. But why, of all the people that could have possibly walked by, did it have to be a massive, obese drag-queen?! IN BROAD DAYLIGHT! OF ALL DAYS! I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN ONE WALKING IN THE STREET BEFORE! THIS IS A NICE AREA! WHY??!!!
"Little boy, you dropped your pink toy! Why don't you come down and get it?"
Oh no.
That wad of lard wants me. No. . .this can't happen. . .not now. Not now when I'm about to get deflowered by a gorgeous, blond Norse god. . .
"Fuck you!! HELP! HELP! RAPE!!!!!"
To my amazement, the fucker hauled ass like no one. I could even see his legs whereas before he looked like a mass gliding along the side walk. I had to close the window to keep everyone from seeing me wet myself with laughter. That and the fact that I almost fell out head first into the hedges.
Well, look at that. I did wet myself from laughter. Just not with piss.
It was whilst changing that I realised it wasn't even morning; it was actually 3:30 in the afternoon. That was bad. I still had to wax myself and take a bath with scented oils. He wasn't going to back out on me cos my skin wasn't smooth. And really, this wouldn't have been such a problem, cos I'd been doing these things. . .until about a month ago. There's only so many let-downs a girl can take. . .
"Ohhh, Matt. . .I can't hold it any more."
Yes. Finally. . .!! He turned me over, holding the base of his wand with one hand.
"God. . .your bum is so soft."
He sucked on my right cheek then he slapped it. I wish he would stop teasing me. I don't want to come for a fucking slap.
"Do it. . .do it now. I can't hold it any more. . .please. . ."
Then he began to pull my cheeks apart with his hands. Oh yes. . .
"WHAT??! You've got a hairy hole?!"
Bastard. You couldn't even see them. They were thin, blond and soft, like a girl's.
Well, it's not going to happen again. Arse hairs aren't going to cost me another shag.
Sadly, that meant I had to go buy wax (cos they always look at me weird when I try to get it done.) Before I just stole it from my mum, but she started noticing how quickly it was being used up. Then she saw the blotches on my arms from where the shit pulled off too much skin. . .so now she locks it up in a safe, along with her Victoria's Secret gift cards (their knickers are really soft and silky, ok? You're just jealous cos I look better in them than any girl and that's with my dick untapped.)
". . .would you like a bag with that?"
'Would you like a bag with that?' Of course I fucking wouldn't, when I want the whole world to know I'm getting shagged tonight.
"Actually, I would. I'm going to wax my whole body so my boyfriend won't puke from getting arse hair stuck between his teeth when we fuck tonight."
Heh. How do you like that, BITCH?
"That's nice."
Nice. Nice. She didn't even look up at me when she said that.
"Stupid old hag. You're just jealous cos you have a crusty, ancient cunt so dry it sucks up all the lube like a mop when you shove your rusty vibrator in it! Well screw you, cos I'm GETTING LAID AND YOU'RE NOT! HAH!"
Then I ran like hell, envying and wondering how the fuck that fat tranny ran with such speed. Probably had practise.
I had to stop to catch my breath, and as I looked at my watch I saw that it was already 6:00 and that it would take me about 45 minutes to get to Andreas's house.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
That barely left me enough time to take a bath.
But wait. He's already seen my hole before and didn't complain about hair. Just swelling, right?
"Matt! You're finally here!"
"You don't care about arse hair, right?"
He gave me a blank stare.
"Well hello to you too. But no, no, I don't particularly care about hair in that area. Unless it's thick and dark. Then we'll have to reschedule. . ."
"NO! It's really light and soft and short, you can barely even notice it."
He winced.
"Matt. . .you must be very flexible. I mean, to hold up a mirror over that area must be-"
Why did he have to be so fucking imaginative?!
"I don't. I just kind of, errr, reached down there and ahh, pulled a few. . .but I am flexible. . ."
He smiled again.
"Good, It'll come in handy tonight."
Ohh. . .he was good. . .especially now that he's taking it all off. That's right. None of this courting or dating, none of this crap. . .
"Do you want to eat now or later?"
Holy shit.
"Well?"
He stood right in front of me with his tool pointing right at me.
"Screw the food," I said, throwing myself onto him. "Fuck me now before another tranny tries to rape me."
"Wait, wait. A transvestite tried to rape you? I don't blame him, especially if you teased him with the hot pink thong."
SHUT UP ALREADY! Thinking about it is making me lose my boner.
"Are you wearing it?"
Before I could answer he took off my trousers and thong with a snap.
"It's a shame. It really is. But if we don't get to it now, you'll come before we get anywhere."
What the hell is he talking about. Why is he laying down like that???!!!!
"Matt, come here."
Oh hell no.
"Matt?"
I'm not going to to it on the floor."
He didn't even motion to get up off the floor.
"Why not? You want it on a bed? That's so boring."
"Fuck you, I WANT SHEETS!"
You putrid piece of fly shit. How DARE you pretend to take my sweet, SWEET virginity like that on the FLOOR like a CHEAP TRASHY WHORE?! WELL, YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG! I don't need you OR YOUR KNOB! My hand is man enough to satisfy my needs, unlike your huge, hot, gorgeous tool. . .
"Oh FINE! But I get to choose what we do."
"No. Now start sucking."
"But-but-"
"Turn your bum this way."
What the hell? Doesn't he want to see my face while I'm suck-OHHH!
"Don't get too carried away, keep at it."
How the hell does he expect me to keep sucking on his knob when he's playing with my hole??! Does he NOT see how much I NEED THIS??! . . Screw you. . .
". . .Matt. . ."
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"Matt! I told you to wait!"
I could barely understand what the hell he was saying. Besides, I was the one losing his virginity. The glory is all MINE, bitch!!
"I'm the one who is doing this for the first time. . .!!"
"But we're supposed to come together! That's the whole point. It's much more intense that way."
He had a point. I remember how fucking hot it had been to watch Tristan moan and thrust his hips when he thought I was that fluffer.
"Fine. Let's try it again.. . ."
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"Matt. . ."
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"No, Matt. . .!!"
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"Matt, STOP! NO!!"
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"Fucking Matthew Bel-"
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". . .Aww, for fuck's sake. . .!!"
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"God, take me now. . ."
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"THIS IS IT! I can't take it any more! I've had the biggest hard-on of my entire life for the past two and a half hours. And you. . .you already came more than 15 times!"
"But I tried! I really did."
It really wasn't my fault. This is crap. The one time everything is on my side, I'm the one fucking it up.
"I'm going to wank in the shower. If you want to eat, the food is served already, though it's cold by now."
"I'm sorry. . .I didn't. . ."
I saw him smile through tears.
"It's OK, kid. Maybe next time."
I got up and changed back into my clothes, which were stained yet again very lightly by my own stuff. Damn, I wish I hadn't thrown out Pinkie.
"MATT!"
Oh god. Just the person I needed to see right now. . .this is great. .Fuck you, Dom. . fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. . .
"I asked her out!"
"Asked WHO out?"
"The girl! The girl from the mall! And she said yes! Her name is Liz and she likes. . ."
Oh HELL no.
*I know, I know, the dialogue's shitty. Feel free to bash my brains in XD.*