WARNING: huge entry ahead...
so, i guess this entry is more for my own sake of keeping what's left of my sanity than anything else. it's therapeudic, what can i say? anyway, my summer so far has been going well. not very stressful at all, really. staying in SB is turning out to be pretty awesome. it's a little stressful not having enough space to put everything, and trying to watch my diet, and get enough exercise, and maintain academics and work. and the list goes on. *sigh* so i guess it is somewhat stressful, but the fact that it's summer helps. i am having fun, yay.
frustration #1: my health. everyting was peachy up until about two weeks ago when my numbers decided to go down again. yay for bruising easily; always a fun time. it didn't help @ all that last week was probably my klutziest week in a very long time. i een had a collision with a fence while riding my bike. looking @ the bruising on my legs, it looks like i got assaulted. and yes, they haven't gone away yet so i can't wear shorts anytime soon. argh. my counts are an f'ing 33, 000! that sucks! if y'all remember the list of priorities my doctor gave me way back when, this means that any physical activities, ie soccer or even riding my bike ( minimum count of 100, 000) are completely out of the question, and being sexually active isn't an option right now either. not that i've had to worry about dealing w/ the latter any other time, but hey, knowing my luck, you never know. all this also means i'm back on prednisone until it's decided when i can taper off of it again. woo. i know normal's a stereotype, but this gets sooooo tiring sometimes. the frequent blood draws are a pain too. don't get me wrong, i love the nurses and other staff that work @ Student Health, but when i only have to get my blood drawn once a month, it means i can forget i have a disorder for a month. when i have to get drawn more than that, it just sucks.
moving on. i'm overweight and out of shape. not badly overweight, but it couldn't help to lose a few. ugh, will i ever be happy with myself? i don't hate anything about myself for sure, but why is it i can always manage to find something i could or need to improve? i don't like it, but i do it. mrrh! my athlete's mentality and my physical inactivity just don't mesh well together, which i guess stresses me out to some extent. it's hard though, knowing and remembering where you were two years ago, and living w/ where you are now, knowing what your potential is. i hate it. i know what my blessings are, and i count them every day. but can you blame me for being frsutrated? i had my health and strength taken away from me, and i didn't have a choice in the matter. i'm not one to dwell on things, but this is undoubtedly an exception. and i don't dwell, but i recap. anyway, it's all about getting into haibts. my physical activity definitely needs to increase. i'm working on it.
*sigh* i wish my health didn't stress me out. one less thing i'd have to worry about. not like i can really talk to anyone about it. i mean...i can, it's just hard. there's no problem talking to family about it, but they know the story, so they get tired of hearing about it, cause they know. but they don't. yes, they worry about me, and support me, and stuff. but it isn't a firsthand issue for them. i live with it. they don't. they live w/ me, but not the disorder. friends are another story. a few know pretty much everything, but most only know what i've told them, which is the cliff's notes version. they know about my monthly blood draws, bruising, and the stress it can put on me and my family. they know i was really sick and in the hospital and lost 20 lbs in 28 days, and they know i lost some of my hair. they know the funny stories too. but only a few know the not-so-funny stories. i never know how much people want to know, so i summarize, unless asked to go into detail. i feel if i just lay it all out that they'll think it's a sympathy stunt, or i just want attention, or i just like to dump my problems on other people, when honestly, all i want to do is give them a better picture of who i am as a person. my health affects everything about me, from my appearance to my personality, whether i like it or not. so yeah, now that i've written this donw, i realize that perhaps i censor myself too much.
frustration #2: erm..everything else. life in general, in regard to the obstacles i encounter.
the fam. gotta love 'em, but they sure drive me crazy sometimes. more like stress me out maybe. staying in SB for the summer was a feat in itself, oi. all five came down to visitthis last weekend, while taking Cam on her college campus visits. as much fun as I had, and as nice as it was seeing everyone again, i didn't realize until sunday morning how much the visiting had taken out of me. understandably, there was the added factor of introducing Rame to them, which was stressful on its own level. not in a bad way in any sense, but yeah. i think it's really just both sides adjusting to the changes- me on one side, my family on the other. but can it stop already? sheesh. everything went fine when they were here and met Rame; in the later evening, everyone was getting tired, so of course moods can go downhill. Cam stayed w/ me for the night in the sorority house, which was cool. Rame was in SanNic for the night, so it worked out. We watched the first Lethal Weapon, but i didn't even make it halfway through the movie before i began to crash. and it was only midnight or 1am! i had no idea family could wear you out like that. i began to relax after they left, and things calmed down. they did save me though, by taking me to Albertson's for more food, yay.
next: friends. how they come and go! this year i began four new friendships, only to cut off one, and eventually become distant w/ two others during the first six months. new for me, for sure. i think i'm also concerned about how irene and i are gonna get along after summer. she's a very understanding person, but i can't help but feel like she holds it against me for being in the sorority. yeah, i have changed this year, and i'll be the first to admit that as the year went by, time spent w/ irene became less and less. i don't like it, but it happened. i'm glad i'll be on-campus again this next year. irene is one friend i definitely don't want to lose.
where do i begin w/ the other one? take Rame out of the picture this whole year, and there really wouldn't be much left. i've definitely learned a lot through being friends w/ him. i wonder what he thinks....if he feels the same. i'm amazed @ how fast we became inseperable. it's never happened before. even w/ justin and jonathan. jon and i were inseperable by senior year, but that was 4yrs in the making, w/ my huge crush on him to get over as well. or w/ irene. we became fast friends, but it's still different from this one. i dunno. hmm...anyway, i'm not looking forward to the end of this next academic year, when everyone leaves me. it sucks. i'm supposed to be there too. not that i'm in a hurry to leave SB, but 2007 was supposed to be my class. i can't help but feel a little left behind, wanting to catch up.
i enjoy hanging out w/ Rame so much. hell, it'll be hard when he goes home during session B. it'll be so quiet and boring, ugh. if i'm already having problems w/ him gone for a month or so, i don't wanna know what my senior year will be like. empty? not really, since i'll still have Irene and Megan, and my other sisters around. but he'll be missing from the picture, which is sad. i wish we'd hung out more during Spring Quarter my first year. i wish i'd been here my original freshman year, and possibly have met him then, so we could know each other longer. i mean, what'll happen after he leaves? we're really close friends now, but i am well aware what distance does; i've had too much experience, unfortunately. so what then? i'll definitely make the effort to maintain the relationship. not doubt there. but...i dunno, i'm just scared i guess. i hate growing apart from people, like friends from home. i guess i'm scared of growing apart from him cause we've only known each other for a short time, which means growing apart is potentially easier. ugh....sad day. very sad day when he's gone. as long as it isn't for good. that would push me over the edge just as easily as if jon, justin or chris left my life, perhaps even moreso. i shudder to even think of it.
i think my rambling has finally come to an end. i didn't sleep well @ ALL last night, thus the lack of sleep being a partial contributor to this delirius babbling. i dunno what it was last night, but it went from fun to shit in a matter of hours. i've had no motivation to do anything all day. none. i'm glad i'm seeing someone on the 14th. i dont like feeling this way. and i remember feeling this way shortly after Memorial Day weekend as well, but for slightly different reasons. meh.
i'm out
frustration #1: my health. everyting was peachy up until about two weeks ago when my numbers decided to go down again. yay for bruising easily; always a fun time. it didn't help @ all that last week was probably my klutziest week in a very long time. i een had a collision with a fence while riding my bike. looking @ the bruising on my legs, it looks like i got assaulted. and yes, they haven't gone away yet so i can't wear shorts anytime soon. argh. my counts are an f'ing 33, 000! that sucks! if y'all remember the list of priorities my doctor gave me way back when, this means that any physical activities, ie soccer or even riding my bike ( minimum count of 100, 000) are completely out of the question, and being sexually active isn't an option right now either. not that i've had to worry about dealing w/ the latter any other time, but hey, knowing my luck, you never know. all this also means i'm back on prednisone until it's decided when i can taper off of it again. woo. i know normal's a stereotype, but this gets sooooo tiring sometimes. the frequent blood draws are a pain too. don't get me wrong, i love the nurses and other staff that work @ Student Health, but when i only have to get my blood drawn once a month, it means i can forget i have a disorder for a month. when i have to get drawn more than that, it just sucks.
moving on. i'm overweight and out of shape. not badly overweight, but it couldn't help to lose a few. ugh, will i ever be happy with myself? i don't hate anything about myself for sure, but why is it i can always manage to find something i could or need to improve? i don't like it, but i do it. mrrh! my athlete's mentality and my physical inactivity just don't mesh well together, which i guess stresses me out to some extent. it's hard though, knowing and remembering where you were two years ago, and living w/ where you are now, knowing what your potential is. i hate it. i know what my blessings are, and i count them every day. but can you blame me for being frsutrated? i had my health and strength taken away from me, and i didn't have a choice in the matter. i'm not one to dwell on things, but this is undoubtedly an exception. and i don't dwell, but i recap. anyway, it's all about getting into haibts. my physical activity definitely needs to increase. i'm working on it.
*sigh* i wish my health didn't stress me out. one less thing i'd have to worry about. not like i can really talk to anyone about it. i mean...i can, it's just hard. there's no problem talking to family about it, but they know the story, so they get tired of hearing about it, cause they know. but they don't. yes, they worry about me, and support me, and stuff. but it isn't a firsthand issue for them. i live with it. they don't. they live w/ me, but not the disorder. friends are another story. a few know pretty much everything, but most only know what i've told them, which is the cliff's notes version. they know about my monthly blood draws, bruising, and the stress it can put on me and my family. they know i was really sick and in the hospital and lost 20 lbs in 28 days, and they know i lost some of my hair. they know the funny stories too. but only a few know the not-so-funny stories. i never know how much people want to know, so i summarize, unless asked to go into detail. i feel if i just lay it all out that they'll think it's a sympathy stunt, or i just want attention, or i just like to dump my problems on other people, when honestly, all i want to do is give them a better picture of who i am as a person. my health affects everything about me, from my appearance to my personality, whether i like it or not. so yeah, now that i've written this donw, i realize that perhaps i censor myself too much.
frustration #2: erm..everything else. life in general, in regard to the obstacles i encounter.
the fam. gotta love 'em, but they sure drive me crazy sometimes. more like stress me out maybe. staying in SB for the summer was a feat in itself, oi. all five came down to visitthis last weekend, while taking Cam on her college campus visits. as much fun as I had, and as nice as it was seeing everyone again, i didn't realize until sunday morning how much the visiting had taken out of me. understandably, there was the added factor of introducing Rame to them, which was stressful on its own level. not in a bad way in any sense, but yeah. i think it's really just both sides adjusting to the changes- me on one side, my family on the other. but can it stop already? sheesh. everything went fine when they were here and met Rame; in the later evening, everyone was getting tired, so of course moods can go downhill. Cam stayed w/ me for the night in the sorority house, which was cool. Rame was in SanNic for the night, so it worked out. We watched the first Lethal Weapon, but i didn't even make it halfway through the movie before i began to crash. and it was only midnight or 1am! i had no idea family could wear you out like that. i began to relax after they left, and things calmed down. they did save me though, by taking me to Albertson's for more food, yay.
next: friends. how they come and go! this year i began four new friendships, only to cut off one, and eventually become distant w/ two others during the first six months. new for me, for sure. i think i'm also concerned about how irene and i are gonna get along after summer. she's a very understanding person, but i can't help but feel like she holds it against me for being in the sorority. yeah, i have changed this year, and i'll be the first to admit that as the year went by, time spent w/ irene became less and less. i don't like it, but it happened. i'm glad i'll be on-campus again this next year. irene is one friend i definitely don't want to lose.
where do i begin w/ the other one? take Rame out of the picture this whole year, and there really wouldn't be much left. i've definitely learned a lot through being friends w/ him. i wonder what he thinks....if he feels the same. i'm amazed @ how fast we became inseperable. it's never happened before. even w/ justin and jonathan. jon and i were inseperable by senior year, but that was 4yrs in the making, w/ my huge crush on him to get over as well. or w/ irene. we became fast friends, but it's still different from this one. i dunno. hmm...anyway, i'm not looking forward to the end of this next academic year, when everyone leaves me. it sucks. i'm supposed to be there too. not that i'm in a hurry to leave SB, but 2007 was supposed to be my class. i can't help but feel a little left behind, wanting to catch up.
i enjoy hanging out w/ Rame so much. hell, it'll be hard when he goes home during session B. it'll be so quiet and boring, ugh. if i'm already having problems w/ him gone for a month or so, i don't wanna know what my senior year will be like. empty? not really, since i'll still have Irene and Megan, and my other sisters around. but he'll be missing from the picture, which is sad. i wish we'd hung out more during Spring Quarter my first year. i wish i'd been here my original freshman year, and possibly have met him then, so we could know each other longer. i mean, what'll happen after he leaves? we're really close friends now, but i am well aware what distance does; i've had too much experience, unfortunately. so what then? i'll definitely make the effort to maintain the relationship. not doubt there. but...i dunno, i'm just scared i guess. i hate growing apart from people, like friends from home. i guess i'm scared of growing apart from him cause we've only known each other for a short time, which means growing apart is potentially easier. ugh....sad day. very sad day when he's gone. as long as it isn't for good. that would push me over the edge just as easily as if jon, justin or chris left my life, perhaps even moreso. i shudder to even think of it.
i think my rambling has finally come to an end. i didn't sleep well @ ALL last night, thus the lack of sleep being a partial contributor to this delirius babbling. i dunno what it was last night, but it went from fun to shit in a matter of hours. i've had no motivation to do anything all day. none. i'm glad i'm seeing someone on the 14th. i dont like feeling this way. and i remember feeling this way shortly after Memorial Day weekend as well, but for slightly different reasons. meh.
i'm out