bits of self-discovery...
As most anyone who's read even a few of these entries knows, I'm a very introspective person. Probably a bit too introspective at times. I'm always thinking about this and that, often about the past and whatnot. I'm trying to piece together all the hows and whys about myself, things I do, way I react to certain things, habits, etc, etc. My ultimate goal in this seemingly endless quest for self-understanding is, I hope, bits of self-improvement that might come with it. Sometimes though, I think I spend too much time roaming around inside my head when I should be... I dunno, maybe doing instead of thinking?
Other times though, things come to me, I learn something new, but I'm not always sure what to do with the knowledge.
Just recently I think I figured something out, but first a bit of background...
I have a fascination with politics, and whatnot. I listen to a lot different sources of information, read certain things, and hold strong opinions certain issues. Which is all well in good to a point, too many people in world today (especially young people) seem to have real little awareness of the things going on around in the world around them.
Problem is though, I'm also the type that tends to "replay" certain things over and over again in my mind, especially moments that made me very thoughtful or, in some cases, angry. Conversations I've had, bad incidents, memories, posts I've read... I'll find myself going over and over them, in the case memories, the anger sometimes flares up, fresh and anew. With conversations, I'll even sometimes start "arguing" in my mind with people that aren't there, sometimes blurting things out loud... I'm sometimes turn these things over and over in my mind. Sometimes we're talking things that happened YEARS ago.
So, that being said, I got to thinking, why do I expose myself to sitatuations where (knowing my nature) I'm just liable to get angry or have something to "churn" over all day? Why do I, for instance, go to the political newsgroups and start reading posts there, and even arguing with people? I mean, discussion is one thing, but I tend to sometimes take it to extremes... but why? I even repeated a quote on many occasions that "...arguing on the internet is like being in Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded." So, why do I do it?
Then it hit me: distraction.
When I'm angry, or my mind is focused on something that vents on strong emotion, it keeps from thinking on others things that might depress me. Sometimes getting lost is anger is a good ("good" here meaning effective, not necessarily good as in "beneficial") way of distracted myself from depression.
Anger vs depression... man, there has to be a another way.
So, I started to think about that.. well, what did I used to distract myself with? Most of the jobs I've had over the years have never, sadly required much focus, leaving my mind free ot wonder. I guess I used to think a lot of on games, movies, or ideas that entered my mind. But of late all those things have gotten stale and boring to me. (That's a sympton of depression:, you lose interest in everything.)
Luckily, things seem to be getting somewhat better, able to go back to older things I used to enjoy, even started writing a bit again (as some of you read in my previous post.) So, maybe I've turned a corner...
Going to see my therapist tomorrow, second session. Maybe I'll even reveal some of "biggies" I didn't tell her about last time...