Confusion, Lost, Love, and Somewhere Between...
I wish I could just tell you this. I wish you could come over and we could talk and in the middle of my babbling - because you know i would - you'd just kiss me, right at that crusial moment where I'm starting to wonder why I even started talking in the first place. All of it would come rushing back, like it always does. You would hold my crying face and wipe away my tears and tell me not to worry... that you've been thinking and feeling all the same things and you were just waiting and hoping that i would say them first... that i didn't screw it up, that it's not too late... that you still love me as much as i still love you.
I don't want to give my heart to someone else. I don't want to try and find someone and think that it's different this time, think that i have feelings for them, think that they're a nice guy... just to find out that they don't want me, they cheated on me, or i don't want them. It's never the same, nothing is even comparable to the way I feel/felt about you. Lots of people make me happy, but there's still that small part deep inside, that part that is hidden from the world because it's too fragile to give to anyone... except you. You make me so happy I can't describe how it truely feels, all I know is i feel complete... whole, like something was missing and you came along and filled the gap.
We're comfortble, we work. We should be together.
But you're happy. You told me you didn't regret your decision. There's another girl you like, and I'm not even mad. She's cute, she looks like a nice person, and you've dated her before. ... I just hate that it's not me.
I wish someone would have 'secret conversations' for me... but I don't want it like that. If this has any chance of happening I don't want it to happen at all like it's happened before.
So what do I do?
Do I say something to you. Tell you how I feel... just throw it all out there and see how you react so at least i'll know? Or do I keep my mouth shut. Just go along like nothing's changed. Do I do what I've been doing... be my normal self, along with being a little flirty, but not pushing anything and just hope/wait and see if anything "develop-es"?
I'm so confused. I know you're what I want. I know that you are what makes me happy. And I know now that i can be different, that we could be different. Instead of needing to know 'when', i'd be satisfied with 'now'. Instead of doubting, i could trust. But most of all I realized... I'd rather be with you and away from you, than not with you at all.
It never went away for me. None of these feelings ever went away. I know now that that relationship was just a cover. The whole "getting over you in a few weeks" was a sham. I was never over you - i could never be over you. That's why when we got into that fight over christmas break I couldn't bring myself to say it... because even then, even in the middle of my ranting about how happy I was... I knew if those words left my mouth they'd be a lie.
This is always how it happens. We break up, I date someone, we break up, and then you come schwoop back in and we get back together. But this time you're not here... you're not schwooping. So does it work the opposite way then? Am I allowed to make the bold gesture? Or would that be seen as desperate? Besides, I feel like I can't. I feel like with all my "I'm happy" and "This is it. This is the last time. I told you this." I ruined any chance of 'what if' - I feel like because of everything I said I put you in a position to believe it was the end, to convince yourself we will never work, and move on... and now you're happy. Without me.
Is this just how it's going to be forever? Out of all the girls that I have met, and some women, not one is over their first love. Not one can tell you about him without getting sad or feeling some loss or regret. Will I just go on harboring these feelings forever. Will no one be as good as you... just different. That seems like such a dissapointment. That the great part is already over. That you were offered greatness but because you were young and naieve and decided to be a dumbass crazy bitch, you lose for the rest of your life.
So what now... i vote for eating ice cream out of the carton and sugar high-ing my way through life!
(is it friday yet?)
I don't want to give my heart to someone else. I don't want to try and find someone and think that it's different this time, think that i have feelings for them, think that they're a nice guy... just to find out that they don't want me, they cheated on me, or i don't want them. It's never the same, nothing is even comparable to the way I feel/felt about you. Lots of people make me happy, but there's still that small part deep inside, that part that is hidden from the world because it's too fragile to give to anyone... except you. You make me so happy I can't describe how it truely feels, all I know is i feel complete... whole, like something was missing and you came along and filled the gap.
We're comfortble, we work. We should be together.
But you're happy. You told me you didn't regret your decision. There's another girl you like, and I'm not even mad. She's cute, she looks like a nice person, and you've dated her before. ... I just hate that it's not me.
I wish someone would have 'secret conversations' for me... but I don't want it like that. If this has any chance of happening I don't want it to happen at all like it's happened before.
So what do I do?
Do I say something to you. Tell you how I feel... just throw it all out there and see how you react so at least i'll know? Or do I keep my mouth shut. Just go along like nothing's changed. Do I do what I've been doing... be my normal self, along with being a little flirty, but not pushing anything and just hope/wait and see if anything "develop-es"?
I'm so confused. I know you're what I want. I know that you are what makes me happy. And I know now that i can be different, that we could be different. Instead of needing to know 'when', i'd be satisfied with 'now'. Instead of doubting, i could trust. But most of all I realized... I'd rather be with you and away from you, than not with you at all.
It never went away for me. None of these feelings ever went away. I know now that that relationship was just a cover. The whole "getting over you in a few weeks" was a sham. I was never over you - i could never be over you. That's why when we got into that fight over christmas break I couldn't bring myself to say it... because even then, even in the middle of my ranting about how happy I was... I knew if those words left my mouth they'd be a lie.
This is always how it happens. We break up, I date someone, we break up, and then you come schwoop back in and we get back together. But this time you're not here... you're not schwooping. So does it work the opposite way then? Am I allowed to make the bold gesture? Or would that be seen as desperate? Besides, I feel like I can't. I feel like with all my "I'm happy" and "This is it. This is the last time. I told you this." I ruined any chance of 'what if' - I feel like because of everything I said I put you in a position to believe it was the end, to convince yourself we will never work, and move on... and now you're happy. Without me.
Is this just how it's going to be forever? Out of all the girls that I have met, and some women, not one is over their first love. Not one can tell you about him without getting sad or feeling some loss or regret. Will I just go on harboring these feelings forever. Will no one be as good as you... just different. That seems like such a dissapointment. That the great part is already over. That you were offered greatness but because you were young and naieve and decided to be a dumbass crazy bitch, you lose for the rest of your life.
So what now... i vote for eating ice cream out of the carton and sugar high-ing my way through life!
(is it friday yet?)