because we made it
some days i cannot believe how much things have changed...
today is one of those days.
a year and a half ago erin, luke, haley, kelly, and kayla were my best friends. i hungout with billie jeanne, stella, and an array of other hayesvillians regularly.
my life revolved around hayesville, and thus my family, my romantic relationship, and the ideas of escaping out to asheville.
now, i am a mere week from the closing of my first year of college.
i have good grades (for the most part), however, i still hate school. i am no longer friends with luke, i think erin is just beginning to not hate me, for some reason i never see or talk to billie jeanne or stella, i rarely spend time with haley. however, i live with kelly, and kayla and i are still best friends (with zero problems, other than getting to see each other enough). But, i have made new friends.
not any better than the old ones, just different.
i have been with melissa for a year now (as of tomorrow). and i am very happy with our relationship. it is beautiful, and she is not only easy to love but very easy to be with.
i will not be returning to hayesville this summer, i will continue on living out in asheville, presumably in candler with kelly, melissa, and autum.
wild.
perhaps what i have said all along is what is most directly reflected in this brief synopsis.
i am not the person i want to be. i am not the best that i should or could be.
i am just me.
i'm working on improving, but the process is long and difficult.
and... i expect that what i will find is that it never ends, and even when i am satisfied that i am making improvements, i will still be just me.
i am christina noel. i am christina manus. i am christina bradley. i am chrissy. i am chris. i am tina.
and i am just me. no matter what name you call me.
i cannot promise to hold my tongue every time i should, nor will i promise to be as motivated about this life as i "should' be.
but i can promise that i am loyal to my heart.
i love melissa. and i still love erin. and luke and billie jeanne and stella and haley. in fact, i still love all of them just as much as i ever did. because the heart doesn't change. my heart doesn't change.
i'm working on me. that's all i can do. i know i have hurt a lot of people. and i know a lot of people have hurt me. thats life i guess...
but i'm working on me. its a constant struggle. to be everything i should be. and to treat everyone the way they should be treated.
we all let go at some point. the key is to leave no one hanging... waiting for your heart, mind, hand to return...
a year and a half ago i had no idea who i would be today. i had no idea that i would still feel the way that i do about so many things, or that my thoughts on just as many things would have changed so drastically.
i'm along for the ride.
i am determined to love life. to love all people. and to love myself.
i am determined to do what i want with my life. to learn all that i can. and to be the best person i can be. to make my mother proud.
all of that will take some work. and i'm still on step one. completely lost in this adult world of work and money and scholastic value... but, right now, i'm proud.
because i really am working on it.
i am so thankful for my life thus far. i have been blessed with so many amazing people, even the ones who i am not close to now, who have truly blessed me, and have helped to mold me.
i wish all of you the best. and i hope that you each know how much you meant to me, and will always mean to me.
all we can do, really, when the end comes, is look ahead. and what we believe in, or fear, will be there.
and either way. i want to know that i dealt with my millions of mistakes. so that i could move on... and maybe do something worth being proud of.
i really do love you guys. no matter what happened between us.
i realize that at times i am more difficulty than i am worth.
i appreciate all of you who tolerate that- who tolerate me.
i'm just me. and i'm just starting to figure out what that means.
like always when i come to the end of my journal entries i wonder what message people are actually getting out of it...
apparently i have real serious communication problems, lol... but oh well.
i guess to sum it up...
just know. if i said it once, i'll always mean it.
i love you.
(that goes for you too alise. and carlena.)
today is one of those days.
a year and a half ago erin, luke, haley, kelly, and kayla were my best friends. i hungout with billie jeanne, stella, and an array of other hayesvillians regularly.
my life revolved around hayesville, and thus my family, my romantic relationship, and the ideas of escaping out to asheville.
now, i am a mere week from the closing of my first year of college.
i have good grades (for the most part), however, i still hate school. i am no longer friends with luke, i think erin is just beginning to not hate me, for some reason i never see or talk to billie jeanne or stella, i rarely spend time with haley. however, i live with kelly, and kayla and i are still best friends (with zero problems, other than getting to see each other enough). But, i have made new friends.
not any better than the old ones, just different.
i have been with melissa for a year now (as of tomorrow). and i am very happy with our relationship. it is beautiful, and she is not only easy to love but very easy to be with.
i will not be returning to hayesville this summer, i will continue on living out in asheville, presumably in candler with kelly, melissa, and autum.
wild.
perhaps what i have said all along is what is most directly reflected in this brief synopsis.
i am not the person i want to be. i am not the best that i should or could be.
i am just me.
i'm working on improving, but the process is long and difficult.
and... i expect that what i will find is that it never ends, and even when i am satisfied that i am making improvements, i will still be just me.
i am christina noel. i am christina manus. i am christina bradley. i am chrissy. i am chris. i am tina.
and i am just me. no matter what name you call me.
i cannot promise to hold my tongue every time i should, nor will i promise to be as motivated about this life as i "should' be.
but i can promise that i am loyal to my heart.
i love melissa. and i still love erin. and luke and billie jeanne and stella and haley. in fact, i still love all of them just as much as i ever did. because the heart doesn't change. my heart doesn't change.
i'm working on me. that's all i can do. i know i have hurt a lot of people. and i know a lot of people have hurt me. thats life i guess...
but i'm working on me. its a constant struggle. to be everything i should be. and to treat everyone the way they should be treated.
we all let go at some point. the key is to leave no one hanging... waiting for your heart, mind, hand to return...
a year and a half ago i had no idea who i would be today. i had no idea that i would still feel the way that i do about so many things, or that my thoughts on just as many things would have changed so drastically.
i'm along for the ride.
i am determined to love life. to love all people. and to love myself.
i am determined to do what i want with my life. to learn all that i can. and to be the best person i can be. to make my mother proud.
all of that will take some work. and i'm still on step one. completely lost in this adult world of work and money and scholastic value... but, right now, i'm proud.
because i really am working on it.
i am so thankful for my life thus far. i have been blessed with so many amazing people, even the ones who i am not close to now, who have truly blessed me, and have helped to mold me.
i wish all of you the best. and i hope that you each know how much you meant to me, and will always mean to me.
all we can do, really, when the end comes, is look ahead. and what we believe in, or fear, will be there.
and either way. i want to know that i dealt with my millions of mistakes. so that i could move on... and maybe do something worth being proud of.
i really do love you guys. no matter what happened between us.
i realize that at times i am more difficulty than i am worth.
i appreciate all of you who tolerate that- who tolerate me.
i'm just me. and i'm just starting to figure out what that means.
like always when i come to the end of my journal entries i wonder what message people are actually getting out of it...
apparently i have real serious communication problems, lol... but oh well.
i guess to sum it up...
just know. if i said it once, i'll always mean it.
i love you.
(that goes for you too alise. and carlena.)