(no subject)
I don't know what's up with me. it's like a mellonchollie virus that spontaneously comes out to play. I pretty much lost my best friend and boyfriend around the same time. Oy vay. I don't mean for pple to feel sorry, it's just what happened. Ughh...maybe i just need a pet. Maybe I'm just so use to being somehwere at night, whether it be with Mark, or a class, or bartending, I feel useless. Homework doesn't seem to ount, though I have lots and lots of it. Maybe I just need a latte for a pick-me-up. Oy vay!! what an addiction!!
i wrote a letter to Mark last night. last night was Sunday night, and I was dying to see Spiderman III. Any particular reason? No. Just comfort films. My sister took me after a bunch of whining and moaning about it. I'm starting to think that I push people away, like I push Mark and Elnaz away. And probably everyone else.
Well, as for the letter, i wrote it after I parked my car under some lamp light on Carlsen in El Cerrito. I discovered after being distracted from my life with Spiderman, that my problem with me and Mark is that I want to help him face his challenges, when he doesn't want to. That's changing him. I have to let his problems go, and I have to let him be because I can't force him to change if he doens't want to, no matter how miserable not facing challenges makes him. And I've been mean, and yelling, and cold to him because of all these enforcements. Maybe we ARE better off friends because as friends, I will advise, and i'm okay with a friends' decision to face or not face something. I'm not okay with a spouse's decision to not face problems, because that in turn becomes my problem. Because i would have to pick up where they left off, and visaversa. A couple would need to compliment eachother, and be ready to break through challenges. Well...at least any couple with me involved, because I'm not okay with breaking through challenges, procrastination is a trait of mine, i would love to get rid of.
God, all the distractions that we have in this world: drugs, alcohol, video games, dead-end jobs...it's unbelievable. I wish the best for mark, I do. But I can see exactly why he and I won't workout.
And as for Elnaz, I wish I knew how she was doing. It feels like she's taken a ship and is sailing off into oblivion...but I'm sure she felt the same way about me for a while. Where have I been? It feels like we're not on the same wavelength, and she's finding people she can relate to. But at the same time, have our relationship ever been based on relating? She and I are SO different. I loved her anyway.
i wrote a letter to Mark last night. last night was Sunday night, and I was dying to see Spiderman III. Any particular reason? No. Just comfort films. My sister took me after a bunch of whining and moaning about it. I'm starting to think that I push people away, like I push Mark and Elnaz away. And probably everyone else.
Well, as for the letter, i wrote it after I parked my car under some lamp light on Carlsen in El Cerrito. I discovered after being distracted from my life with Spiderman, that my problem with me and Mark is that I want to help him face his challenges, when he doesn't want to. That's changing him. I have to let his problems go, and I have to let him be because I can't force him to change if he doens't want to, no matter how miserable not facing challenges makes him. And I've been mean, and yelling, and cold to him because of all these enforcements. Maybe we ARE better off friends because as friends, I will advise, and i'm okay with a friends' decision to face or not face something. I'm not okay with a spouse's decision to not face problems, because that in turn becomes my problem. Because i would have to pick up where they left off, and visaversa. A couple would need to compliment eachother, and be ready to break through challenges. Well...at least any couple with me involved, because I'm not okay with breaking through challenges, procrastination is a trait of mine, i would love to get rid of.
God, all the distractions that we have in this world: drugs, alcohol, video games, dead-end jobs...it's unbelievable. I wish the best for mark, I do. But I can see exactly why he and I won't workout.
And as for Elnaz, I wish I knew how she was doing. It feels like she's taken a ship and is sailing off into oblivion...but I'm sure she felt the same way about me for a while. Where have I been? It feels like we're not on the same wavelength, and she's finding people she can relate to. But at the same time, have our relationship ever been based on relating? She and I are SO different. I loved her anyway.