I can't quite put my finger on it.
I know that there's a sadness inside me, but it's not just sadness, it as though there's a mix of anger, maybe some betrayal.
I think if I look at the recent changes, it started with this nonsense of getting some extra funds so that I could go to FC. I thought I might have needed to include a time limit on my sketch commissions. Silly me, I thought that out of the 900+ watchers that I had, that more 6 people might have wanted to throw little bits of money my way so I could make it. I definitely wouldn't have made it if it were for the little true honest and genuine friends that I have in this community who were generous enough to throw more than what I had asked for.
Then I look around, and I see people who are doing auctions so they can go to FC... and they have $90+ 12hrs ago. Furthermore, their art isn't even all that high quality. I'm not arrogant enough to believe that my own art is super spectacular, but I usually do a pretty good job.
Then there's another artist 'friend' that can brag about how he filled his commission-slots within a small amount of time.
I don't even really get the light of day. I'm not sure if it's because people out there actually hate me and only put up with my art. Or maybe my art is far crappier than what I believe it to be. I'm don't usually suffer from any sort of poor self esteem. I have a pretty good understanding of the way that popularity works within this fandom. Yet, I pretty much refuse to be a whore. I will never be a fetish artist. I will never comment for the sake of commenting. I won't throw watches nilly-willy out so people can watchback. I don't beg. I am not the means for someone to become more popular by association. I am an anti-fanboi.
Bitter. Maybe bitter's the flavor for this emotion.
I still bow down to those that supported me and wanted to help me out. I can only really try to show my appreciation by not lashing out at those all around me. It just sort of hurts to think that even those 'friends' who couldn't directly help in a fiscal sense, couldn't even spare some verbage to promote my minor endeavor.
I am probably closer to shutting down my FA account than ever. What's it even really for? I sure as hell can't make friends on it. My IM information is on there, and out of 900+ watchers, I still only talk to the people I've known for years or know in real life. I wanted to share my drawings with people, and the only people who really seem to care, I could just email my pictures to...
I'm feeling even more betrayed when a friend I talked to thought me charging $40 for a full commission was too much for him, yet signed up to pay $60 to a different artist.
Is it any wonder that I can easily embrace the gamer in me, the one that plays WoW blissfully with his former co-workers. Is it any fucking wonder why I prefer to game than deal with people. I am certainly not feeling the love anymore, what I feel now is my misanthropic nature rising.