Life's Ups and Downs
I had just finished re-watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and it had made me realize just how similar I feel to those girls. I feel out of touch with myself and out of touch with my life ever since I started college. I hadn't realized why that sounded so similar until I watched it again, recalling how Carmen bungled her way through life, drawing more and more into herself as college went on in the novel. It feels so in tune with what I've been feeling lately.
I've lost track of myself in a flurry of exams and quizzes that just keep coming. I've stopped making new friends and hanging out. It's made me unhappy because all I'm left is what's inside of my head [and my parents]. And I keep reading in an effort to stay clear of it. It's taken a lot of effort to keep my high school friends and I don't quite remember ever having to work that hard in that department. It could be that they are making friends as well, although living at home hasn't exactly helped my case. I just feel all out-of-sorts. In the beginning, I was all fired up, ready to take on what was thrown at me. Now, I'm just a bit tired and confused. Confused at where I stand; worried about where I'm going.
Living near my mother hasn't exactly helped. If I ever needed a crack at my ego, she's it. I may be judgamental and critical and arrogant but I don't pretend to be anything but myself. And someone once told me that those were just words I like to throw at myself when I want to be self-critical. Well then, I need to regain myself. I don't want to be the girl that cowers just because her mother decided to be a bitch. I don't want to be the one who is so insecure that I have no idea who I am anymore. I don't want to be bitter any longer about a decision that my parents made for me. I can only just do the best that I can at being me. I don't want to be ruled by my grades and insecurities any longer. I want to live my life, not merely just survive it. Because settling isn't any longer an option.
And when that doesn't work, sometimes a hug goes a long way.
I've lost track of myself in a flurry of exams and quizzes that just keep coming. I've stopped making new friends and hanging out. It's made me unhappy because all I'm left is what's inside of my head [and my parents]. And I keep reading in an effort to stay clear of it. It's taken a lot of effort to keep my high school friends and I don't quite remember ever having to work that hard in that department. It could be that they are making friends as well, although living at home hasn't exactly helped my case. I just feel all out-of-sorts. In the beginning, I was all fired up, ready to take on what was thrown at me. Now, I'm just a bit tired and confused. Confused at where I stand; worried about where I'm going.
Living near my mother hasn't exactly helped. If I ever needed a crack at my ego, she's it. I may be judgamental and critical and arrogant but I don't pretend to be anything but myself. And someone once told me that those were just words I like to throw at myself when I want to be self-critical. Well then, I need to regain myself. I don't want to be the girl that cowers just because her mother decided to be a bitch. I don't want to be the one who is so insecure that I have no idea who I am anymore. I don't want to be bitter any longer about a decision that my parents made for me. I can only just do the best that I can at being me. I don't want to be ruled by my grades and insecurities any longer. I want to live my life, not merely just survive it. Because settling isn't any longer an option.
And when that doesn't work, sometimes a hug goes a long way.