minding the body

[luvpumpkin]

she is back and to be frank, i am not the least bit unthrilled....
though i suspect in time i will be...
i am no child and not even close to naive...
though often i wish i was...
i know where this road leads -
the road she leads me down....
a sickly
skinny
boney road....
where people tell me i look sick
rather than pretty...
where people listen at the bathroom door to hear if i have my finger down my throat...
(wrong behavior, wrong diagnosis)
a road with medical problems...
(hell, they have even started)...
an obsessive road
where shit-fuck thoughts rape the spaces in your mind...
and tell you you are fat....

goal weights become starting weights...
food becomes an enemy
mirrors become the tattle talerers
life grows smaller
reduced to be controlled

yet it is all an illusion...
for you have no control...
instead she controls you.

______________________
july 18, 2010