i am boring since the meds started working
since the lamictal started working, i have lacked that certain yucky place i so quickly go.... i don't feel numb though - just sort of protected from falling.... or at least falling AS far.
i am content in that i don't feel inexplicable misery or dread.... i am content in that i don't cry or wish myself dead.
i am content even in the fact that i have a few things i need to do to get where i want to be - lose weight, dress like i once did before i stopped caring, get started with EMS training and work hard to get second job in EMS..... maybe find someone to date and then love???
but things are ok.
sure i can bitch about how my friend - who is also the teacher i assist - is a little TOO intense with her martyr routine and gets a tad bid possessive over the attention of her other TA (a cute guy) and i can bitch about how i am broke and not cute in clothes anymore....
and all of that IS true and it DOES bother me....
but i can't complain deeply enough to warrant writing it.
so though i am happy that i am happy, i am again concerned or bored or whatever, that though i can (AND AM) get inspired by other things outside of myself, i can no longer find anything creative or creating within me.
i am artistically boring myself.
stable is nice
(and when it is time to date again, said stability WILL BE LOST)....
but it is unfamiliar and kind of just there.... not bad at all but just there.
i like it but don't recognize it.
and a part of me worries it won't last.
i am content in that i don't feel inexplicable misery or dread.... i am content in that i don't cry or wish myself dead.
i am content even in the fact that i have a few things i need to do to get where i want to be - lose weight, dress like i once did before i stopped caring, get started with EMS training and work hard to get second job in EMS..... maybe find someone to date and then love???
but things are ok.
sure i can bitch about how my friend - who is also the teacher i assist - is a little TOO intense with her martyr routine and gets a tad bid possessive over the attention of her other TA (a cute guy) and i can bitch about how i am broke and not cute in clothes anymore....
and all of that IS true and it DOES bother me....
but i can't complain deeply enough to warrant writing it.
so though i am happy that i am happy, i am again concerned or bored or whatever, that though i can (AND AM) get inspired by other things outside of myself, i can no longer find anything creative or creating within me.
i am artistically boring myself.
stable is nice
(and when it is time to date again, said stability WILL BE LOST)....
but it is unfamiliar and kind of just there.... not bad at all but just there.
i like it but don't recognize it.
and a part of me worries it won't last.