(no subject)
Right now, I want nothing more than to go home, fall down onto my bed, and cry. I want to just sit there and sob! There are too many things going wrong in my life for me to actually think about them; it's the same plodding disaster day after day after day and I'll never catch up but I'll never be allowed to drop out. It's a race where I have to keep running even if I'm dying or even if I'm already dead and there's no way for me to express emotion while I'm here and I have to be afraid of how I will seem to other people and to my friends.
I hate having to sit here in this class and pay attention when on the inside I'm a ball of feelings that's just ridiculously pathetically overstated and angsty, and really, what's going wrong in my life that I feel this bad inside? I know people who have family members who've died, or things like that, or maybe people who are suicidal or having to deal with chronic illnesses and nothing that bad is happening to me, so I don't feel comfortable complaining about my life to everyone else I know when everyone else I know is in just as deep, but that means that I really can't complain at all because everyone else thinks that they're worse off, always.
We never make concessions for others--we never say that there's anyone out there experiencing anything worse than what we're going through at this very moment, however true or untrue that might be. But how can you really even calculate how much worse or better than someone else's life yours is? Aren't the scales different for everyone? What's happening to me right now--all of this unbelievable crap--is probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life. But for someone else this might be a normal day, they might be used to everything going wrong, so used to it that they don't have to worry any more about the bad things, they only worry about the horrible things. Maybe, for someone else, failing two successive pop quizzes in a row and then forgetting to turn in a homework assignment is something normal.
I don't feel comfortable complaining about my life to other people. Even Stel and Dara, my best friends--I'm afraid that they just wouldn't understand what it means to be me and to be going through all of this. I don't know how they would be able to help me. I don't want to make them worry for me--I'm around too many worrying people already for me to want to make any more people worry. Worrying isn't healthy--it doesn't help me out at all.
But I still feel, somehow, that sobbing is necessary. I feel that there's so much inside of me that I just have to let out and since I can't talk it out I have to cry it out instead. It's like I'm overloaded...I can't possibly cope with this for the rest of the year. Honestly, the only way I'll be able to get through this year is just to take one thing at a time, and keep on going and going and going and going until I get it all done. But I can't do that any more; I can't just sit down and work and work and work until I get everything done. I need breaks, I need time where I don't have to think, I need sleep, but most importantly I just need time to myself when I don't have to worry about worrying. Somewhere inside me, there has to be a calling, something that says that I can do this, I will get through it all, I will be able to survive through all of the hell that I'm going through. But without that conviction that everything's going to be okay...well, without that, I'll be going nowhere but insane.
And yet my body keeps functioning, my lungs keep breathing, my heart keeps beating, my legs keep me walking and my mouth keeps on talking...there's nothing my physical processes can do to shut down, they just keep moving on. But my mind...that can shut down. And it seems like every day that goes by brings me one step closer to that mental explosion.
I just need to cool down some times. I just need to clear my head. There are only so many things that I can do to keep me from going insane, and I'm not sure if I know what some of those things are. So until I find out what else (other than writing, constantly) keeps me from destruction, I'll have to continue with what I've been doing, whether it's effective or not...
I hate having to sit here in this class and pay attention when on the inside I'm a ball of feelings that's just ridiculously pathetically overstated and angsty, and really, what's going wrong in my life that I feel this bad inside? I know people who have family members who've died, or things like that, or maybe people who are suicidal or having to deal with chronic illnesses and nothing that bad is happening to me, so I don't feel comfortable complaining about my life to everyone else I know when everyone else I know is in just as deep, but that means that I really can't complain at all because everyone else thinks that they're worse off, always.
We never make concessions for others--we never say that there's anyone out there experiencing anything worse than what we're going through at this very moment, however true or untrue that might be. But how can you really even calculate how much worse or better than someone else's life yours is? Aren't the scales different for everyone? What's happening to me right now--all of this unbelievable crap--is probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life. But for someone else this might be a normal day, they might be used to everything going wrong, so used to it that they don't have to worry any more about the bad things, they only worry about the horrible things. Maybe, for someone else, failing two successive pop quizzes in a row and then forgetting to turn in a homework assignment is something normal.
I don't feel comfortable complaining about my life to other people. Even Stel and Dara, my best friends--I'm afraid that they just wouldn't understand what it means to be me and to be going through all of this. I don't know how they would be able to help me. I don't want to make them worry for me--I'm around too many worrying people already for me to want to make any more people worry. Worrying isn't healthy--it doesn't help me out at all.
But I still feel, somehow, that sobbing is necessary. I feel that there's so much inside of me that I just have to let out and since I can't talk it out I have to cry it out instead. It's like I'm overloaded...I can't possibly cope with this for the rest of the year. Honestly, the only way I'll be able to get through this year is just to take one thing at a time, and keep on going and going and going and going until I get it all done. But I can't do that any more; I can't just sit down and work and work and work until I get everything done. I need breaks, I need time where I don't have to think, I need sleep, but most importantly I just need time to myself when I don't have to worry about worrying. Somewhere inside me, there has to be a calling, something that says that I can do this, I will get through it all, I will be able to survive through all of the hell that I'm going through. But without that conviction that everything's going to be okay...well, without that, I'll be going nowhere but insane.
And yet my body keeps functioning, my lungs keep breathing, my heart keeps beating, my legs keep me walking and my mouth keeps on talking...there's nothing my physical processes can do to shut down, they just keep moving on. But my mind...that can shut down. And it seems like every day that goes by brings me one step closer to that mental explosion.
I just need to cool down some times. I just need to clear my head. There are only so many things that I can do to keep me from going insane, and I'm not sure if I know what some of those things are. So until I find out what else (other than writing, constantly) keeps me from destruction, I'll have to continue with what I've been doing, whether it's effective or not...