(no subject)
Well, the weekend was fun. I got most of my homework done already; there's just a little left for me to fix up before tomorrow. I have a few math problems left on the assignment, and I think I'm supposed to be writing up the lab for Chem class, but I'm not sure if I'll have time tonight or if I'll just do it tomorrow (the lab's not due until Tuesday).
It was fun to just go out with my friends. But in an odd way it was slightly awkward, too.
They don't know.
I haven't told them that father's been laid off. They don't know that, in another week and a half, our family will lose more than half of its income. I haven't felt confident enough to tell them that my family will soon be entering into financial troubles, due to the fact that we have to support so many people.
At first, I was sure that the first thing I would do would be to tell them. After all, they're my primary source of moral support in the world--more often than not, my friends serve as my emotional backbone. I know that they will always be there for me; they will always give me comfort and support whenever I need it. I could call either of them at any hour of the day or night and expect them to answer (though depending on how late I called, I wouldn't expect them to answer cheerfully).
But there's something about this that makes me not want to tell them. I don't want them to know about what's going on, because I don't want them to treat me differently because of it. I don't want them to treat me like I'm some glass ornament, easily shattered. Because as soon as they start treating me like I'm not normal, like my situation is different, that's when it will all start to feel different, and awkward, and all of those things that I do not want to have to feel. Really, I just want to be treated as a normal kid; one of the group, like usual. Nothing needs to change. As I said before--no one else needs to worry.
And the impossibility of that comes because I need support from someone who will treat me normally, even knowing that's happening with me, and I don't know if I can find someone like that. If I spill my problems to anyone, they will react. Mother or father would be afraid for my mental health, quite possibly; my friends would most likely do the same. Stel would probably be a little condescending, because she does so much more than I do and she manages without complaint. Dara would be so worried that it would affect her, too, and I don't want that. I'm not allowed to tell Tatch about the severity of it, and he wouldn't really listen, anyway, because he doesn't really like me very much and I don't actually see him for most of the day.
And that's really all of the people I trust. There's no one, other than my family and my friends. I don't have too many real, strong connections with people in this world. Mother, father, even sort of my brother, Stel, Dara...
...Grandma Annie. I don't really think about her too much. She's part of my family. I don't know what she would say if I told her. If I told her that I'm worried, that I'm not sure if I can cope--if I told her that this really annoying guy probably likes me--if I told her that I don't understand English, and that life is just getting harder and harder for me--what would Grandma have to say about all of that?
I don't know what she would say...but I don't think that it would be able to help. I don't think that anyone will be able to help with this. I know a lot of teenagers say stupid things about how nobody understands their problems and they're not going through what everyone else in the world is going through because obviously no one else could be so heartbroken after breaking up with their boyfriend. (Wow, sarcasm kills...) But somehow...even if it makes me a typical teenager...I think that no one else really can understand what I'm going through right now, because no one else is me. I am myself, for better or for worse--that means that only I am a product of my unique circumstances; only I, therefore, have the emotional context to understand what I say and feel and think. Just me--no one else.
But I don't like the way that that looks. That makes me feel so alone. I don't want to be alone. I want to have people who will sympathize with me, who will care, who will understand what I go through as I go with it. If someone else was in the same position...then, I think, it wouldn't be so hard to go through this. Everything is so much more difficult when you're trying to do it alone. I wish that my family would start to talk more about what's going on, but for the most part mother and father are keeping quiet. They seem to be harboring under the same delusion that I was for a while--they seem to think that if they don't talk about it all, maybe it will go away.
But I know that it won't. All that will happen is that it will get more confused and more confusing and more painful, really, for everyone involved. These things never get easier, or so I can infer from the life experience I have had thus far.
...And all of this is, as usual, not moving me forward at all. If anything, it's a regression--an obsessive occupation with the past and with my problems which will not go away, no matter how much I yell at it. So for now the solution appears to be this--that I must shut my eyes, shut off my brain, and shut down my body so that I can get a few hours of sleep.
It was fun to just go out with my friends. But in an odd way it was slightly awkward, too.
They don't know.
I haven't told them that father's been laid off. They don't know that, in another week and a half, our family will lose more than half of its income. I haven't felt confident enough to tell them that my family will soon be entering into financial troubles, due to the fact that we have to support so many people.
At first, I was sure that the first thing I would do would be to tell them. After all, they're my primary source of moral support in the world--more often than not, my friends serve as my emotional backbone. I know that they will always be there for me; they will always give me comfort and support whenever I need it. I could call either of them at any hour of the day or night and expect them to answer (though depending on how late I called, I wouldn't expect them to answer cheerfully).
But there's something about this that makes me not want to tell them. I don't want them to know about what's going on, because I don't want them to treat me differently because of it. I don't want them to treat me like I'm some glass ornament, easily shattered. Because as soon as they start treating me like I'm not normal, like my situation is different, that's when it will all start to feel different, and awkward, and all of those things that I do not want to have to feel. Really, I just want to be treated as a normal kid; one of the group, like usual. Nothing needs to change. As I said before--no one else needs to worry.
And the impossibility of that comes because I need support from someone who will treat me normally, even knowing that's happening with me, and I don't know if I can find someone like that. If I spill my problems to anyone, they will react. Mother or father would be afraid for my mental health, quite possibly; my friends would most likely do the same. Stel would probably be a little condescending, because she does so much more than I do and she manages without complaint. Dara would be so worried that it would affect her, too, and I don't want that. I'm not allowed to tell Tatch about the severity of it, and he wouldn't really listen, anyway, because he doesn't really like me very much and I don't actually see him for most of the day.
And that's really all of the people I trust. There's no one, other than my family and my friends. I don't have too many real, strong connections with people in this world. Mother, father, even sort of my brother, Stel, Dara...
...Grandma Annie. I don't really think about her too much. She's part of my family. I don't know what she would say if I told her. If I told her that I'm worried, that I'm not sure if I can cope--if I told her that this really annoying guy probably likes me--if I told her that I don't understand English, and that life is just getting harder and harder for me--what would Grandma have to say about all of that?
I don't know what she would say...but I don't think that it would be able to help. I don't think that anyone will be able to help with this. I know a lot of teenagers say stupid things about how nobody understands their problems and they're not going through what everyone else in the world is going through because obviously no one else could be so heartbroken after breaking up with their boyfriend. (Wow, sarcasm kills...) But somehow...even if it makes me a typical teenager...I think that no one else really can understand what I'm going through right now, because no one else is me. I am myself, for better or for worse--that means that only I am a product of my unique circumstances; only I, therefore, have the emotional context to understand what I say and feel and think. Just me--no one else.
But I don't like the way that that looks. That makes me feel so alone. I don't want to be alone. I want to have people who will sympathize with me, who will care, who will understand what I go through as I go with it. If someone else was in the same position...then, I think, it wouldn't be so hard to go through this. Everything is so much more difficult when you're trying to do it alone. I wish that my family would start to talk more about what's going on, but for the most part mother and father are keeping quiet. They seem to be harboring under the same delusion that I was for a while--they seem to think that if they don't talk about it all, maybe it will go away.
But I know that it won't. All that will happen is that it will get more confused and more confusing and more painful, really, for everyone involved. These things never get easier, or so I can infer from the life experience I have had thus far.
...And all of this is, as usual, not moving me forward at all. If anything, it's a regression--an obsessive occupation with the past and with my problems which will not go away, no matter how much I yell at it. So for now the solution appears to be this--that I must shut my eyes, shut off my brain, and shut down my body so that I can get a few hours of sleep.