The human psyche... beautiful fucked up psyche... *sigh*
Alex and I were just getting into a good discussion... been a while since that happened. We were each talking about sexual preference, and the "why" of being gay.
I was telling him that I could actually pinpoint when I first started looking at girls. It was when I was ten. I met this girl in Georgia, Jeanette. She was my best and only friend. There were a couple of other girls at school that would stick up for me, but as for being my friend and hanging out with me, she was it.
I would go over to her house, and we would eat sandwiches. Turkey, or roast beef, or ham. She always ate mayo and I always ate mustard. But neither of us would touch the other... Weird things you remember, huh? ANyway, we used to play girl talk. I remember thinking that was the most fun ever, and a couple of years later I convinced my grandparents to get it for me, and it was no fun at all.. Anywho. We also used to play"house". We would take turns being the boy or the girl, but anyway, we would just be in our undershirts and undies, and we would hug and kiss, and sometimes we would "play" with each other. We rationalized it as being okay because it was all a game of pretend where one of us was the guy. After that, I was hooked on girls. ANd if not girls, then really feminine men. Men that were just on that borderline of being gay.
Interesting revelation. Although, I always liked girly men, the geekier the better. From kidnergarten on. However, I was also sexually molested by my cousins from the time I was three or four until I was at least ten. I don't remember when it stopped exactly, just that it did. Neither of them ever touched me again. I guess I've always liked squirelly geeky guys because they aren't threatening. ANd now the thought of sex with men is repulsing me... And today these memories started flooding me. I feel like a big girl though. Because these memories always come back every few years. then I forget them. THen I vaguely remember but can't think of any details and start to wonder if it ever happened. Then suddenly clear as day I remember almost everything. I remember my cousin Patrick. His stale breath, asking me if I was growing hair down there yet. I remember him making me touch him, and telling me that if I told he most definitely WOULD KILL ME. I don't understand all the irrational fears I have. I don't think this is the sort of thing you get over.
It would however explain why I've been unable to have sex lately. I'm glad to have figured it out.
I feel broken. I wonder what my life would be like if none of it had ever happened. If I would ever have had any sexual experiences with girls.
I remember having an orgasm at age 14. Sitting at the kitchen table leafing through the mail and picking up the Victoria's Secret catalouge. Just looking through it and being totally turned on, and ashamed, and feeling horrible.
What would I have been like if...
I so wonder
I was telling him that I could actually pinpoint when I first started looking at girls. It was when I was ten. I met this girl in Georgia, Jeanette. She was my best and only friend. There were a couple of other girls at school that would stick up for me, but as for being my friend and hanging out with me, she was it.
I would go over to her house, and we would eat sandwiches. Turkey, or roast beef, or ham. She always ate mayo and I always ate mustard. But neither of us would touch the other... Weird things you remember, huh? ANyway, we used to play girl talk. I remember thinking that was the most fun ever, and a couple of years later I convinced my grandparents to get it for me, and it was no fun at all.. Anywho. We also used to play"house". We would take turns being the boy or the girl, but anyway, we would just be in our undershirts and undies, and we would hug and kiss, and sometimes we would "play" with each other. We rationalized it as being okay because it was all a game of pretend where one of us was the guy. After that, I was hooked on girls. ANd if not girls, then really feminine men. Men that were just on that borderline of being gay.
Interesting revelation. Although, I always liked girly men, the geekier the better. From kidnergarten on. However, I was also sexually molested by my cousins from the time I was three or four until I was at least ten. I don't remember when it stopped exactly, just that it did. Neither of them ever touched me again. I guess I've always liked squirelly geeky guys because they aren't threatening. ANd now the thought of sex with men is repulsing me... And today these memories started flooding me. I feel like a big girl though. Because these memories always come back every few years. then I forget them. THen I vaguely remember but can't think of any details and start to wonder if it ever happened. Then suddenly clear as day I remember almost everything. I remember my cousin Patrick. His stale breath, asking me if I was growing hair down there yet. I remember him making me touch him, and telling me that if I told he most definitely WOULD KILL ME. I don't understand all the irrational fears I have. I don't think this is the sort of thing you get over.
It would however explain why I've been unable to have sex lately. I'm glad to have figured it out.
I feel broken. I wonder what my life would be like if none of it had ever happened. If I would ever have had any sexual experiences with girls.
I remember having an orgasm at age 14. Sitting at the kitchen table leafing through the mail and picking up the Victoria's Secret catalouge. Just looking through it and being totally turned on, and ashamed, and feeling horrible.
What would I have been like if...
I so wonder