ah, at last another use for that "embarrassment" tag
How to Go on First Big Solo Bike Ride
Set alarm for 9:00.
Ignore alarm. Get up at 10:00.
Remember plan to bike today. Sit down at computer.
Notice passage of time. Notice gathering dark clouds. Decide to wait one hour, because by then either it will be raining, or the clouds will have blown past.
Observe now-all-too-familiar midday torrential downpour. Observe sunshine. Repeat until clouds actually have blown past.
Look at map of Los Gatos Creek Trail and memorize route to desired parking location.
Don fabulous new bike shorts and other appropriate attire. Prepare to leave house.
Remember that new water bottle cage needs installing. Examine doohickeys on bike frame where cage will be attached. Recognize and locate correct tool gizmo for removal of doohickeys. Pause for a moment of self-congratulation.
Remember "righty tighty, lefty loosey". Attempt to follow mnemonic. Marvel over doohickeys that don't conform to mnemonic. Turn doohickeys other way to loosen. Remove doohickeys. Attach cage.
Tighten doohickeys. Realize that tightening is occurring via turning to the right, indicating that apparent backwardness of loosening direction was not fault of doohickeys, but of own problem with concept of "clockwise". Feel privately embarrassed.
Take bike outside to sidewalk next to car. Realize that it will be necessary to remove front wheel to place bike in back seat of car. Feel confident about feasibility of this procedure, since guy at bike store asked, "Do you want me to you show you how to take off the wheel?"
Undo whatsit in middle of wheel, which past observation indicates is key to removal of wheel. Attempt to remove wheel from frame.
Fiddle with whatsit. Notice wheel removal possibly impeded by thingamajig at top of wheel that might be involved in braking mechanism. Marvel at moment of insanity that led to declining demonstration of wheel removal by bike store guy. Try to place bike in back seat of car without removing wheel. Fail at this endeavor. Hope that no neighbors are watching proceedings.
Fiddle further with whatsit, until whatsit falls apart. Determine that wheel is still attached. Continue hoping that no neighbors are watching. Feel privately and potentially publicly embarrassed.
Take bike back inside. Manage to restore whatsit. Decide that thingamajig really does have to give in order to remove wheel.
Go upstairs. Perform web search on "how to remove bicycle front wheel". Read instructions on eHow. Comprehend how to release brakes.
Go back downstairs. Try to release brakes. Recognize lack of comprehension of how to release brakes.
Go back upstairs. Reread eHow instructions.
Go back downstairs. Successfully release brakes. Successfully remove wheel! Pause for moment of self-congratulation, tempered by embarrassment.
Put wheel back on to foresightfully ensure ability to perform procedure and prevent further mishap.
Take bike back outside. Remove wheel. Place bike in back seat, which is surely possible because different bike has been in back seat before. Spend a long time in process of placing bike in back seat, because it's a tricky maneuver best accomplished by two people, as on previous occasions of placing other bike in back seat. Really very much hope that no neighbors are watching proceedings.
Drive toward Los Gatos Creek County Park, following memorized directions. Note sign indicating closeness of Los Gatos Creek County Park. Pause for moment of self-congratulation over ability to successfully follow memorized directions.
Almost merge onto highway. Correct route to prevent merging onto highway, and head in direction of park entrance.
Almost merge onto highway again. Feel stupid, but console self with thought of having even more incompetence to add to account of first big solo bike ride.
Enter parking lot of Los Gatos Creek County Park. Try unsuccessfully to feed wrinkly five dollar bill into parking self-pay machine. Succeed on second attempt, so it's hardly even worth mentioning.
Observe gorgeousness of sunshine and water, and decide that luck has turned.
Remove bike from back seat with not that much struggle. Put wheel back on bike. Fend off second random stranger in as many weeks inquiring over desire to have large dent in side of car fixed.
Mount bike. Ride along lovely trail feeling optimistic about lack of further mishap.
Encounter warning sign reading "FLOODED". Experience sinking feeling, but only briefly. Leave trail for private road running alongside. Investigate level of floodedness and determine that sign is not kidding. Continue along private road, encounter non-flooded portion of trail, return to trail. Celebrate private moment of triumph.
Have a really very wonderful, mishap-free, and downpour-free bike ride for an hour and a half. Appreciate large quantities and variety of water, waterfowl, dogs, and people enjoying the brief respite from rain.
Return to car. Experience apparent moment of amnesia leading to inability to loosen whatsit to remove bike wheel.
Decide to try putting bike into trunk of car with back seat folded down, due to further amnesia about the fact that this has been tried and doesn't work.
Struggle foolishly to place bike in trunk for long period of time, surely observed by other park-goers. Grow increasingly embarrassed and upset.
Look closely at whatsit and remember how to loosen it. Remove bike wheel.
Place bike in back seat of car with much difficulty, made worse by embarrassment and frustration.
Drive home without mishap. Remove bike from car. Put wheel back on bike. Wonder if it matters which side the whatsit goes on. Put bike away.
Research bike racks.
Set alarm for 9:00.
Ignore alarm. Get up at 10:00.
Remember plan to bike today. Sit down at computer.
Notice passage of time. Notice gathering dark clouds. Decide to wait one hour, because by then either it will be raining, or the clouds will have blown past.
Observe now-all-too-familiar midday torrential downpour. Observe sunshine. Repeat until clouds actually have blown past.
Look at map of Los Gatos Creek Trail and memorize route to desired parking location.
Don fabulous new bike shorts and other appropriate attire. Prepare to leave house.
Remember that new water bottle cage needs installing. Examine doohickeys on bike frame where cage will be attached. Recognize and locate correct tool gizmo for removal of doohickeys. Pause for a moment of self-congratulation.
Remember "righty tighty, lefty loosey". Attempt to follow mnemonic. Marvel over doohickeys that don't conform to mnemonic. Turn doohickeys other way to loosen. Remove doohickeys. Attach cage.
Tighten doohickeys. Realize that tightening is occurring via turning to the right, indicating that apparent backwardness of loosening direction was not fault of doohickeys, but of own problem with concept of "clockwise". Feel privately embarrassed.
Take bike outside to sidewalk next to car. Realize that it will be necessary to remove front wheel to place bike in back seat of car. Feel confident about feasibility of this procedure, since guy at bike store asked, "Do you want me to you show you how to take off the wheel?"
Undo whatsit in middle of wheel, which past observation indicates is key to removal of wheel. Attempt to remove wheel from frame.
Fiddle with whatsit. Notice wheel removal possibly impeded by thingamajig at top of wheel that might be involved in braking mechanism. Marvel at moment of insanity that led to declining demonstration of wheel removal by bike store guy. Try to place bike in back seat of car without removing wheel. Fail at this endeavor. Hope that no neighbors are watching proceedings.
Fiddle further with whatsit, until whatsit falls apart. Determine that wheel is still attached. Continue hoping that no neighbors are watching. Feel privately and potentially publicly embarrassed.
Take bike back inside. Manage to restore whatsit. Decide that thingamajig really does have to give in order to remove wheel.
Go upstairs. Perform web search on "how to remove bicycle front wheel". Read instructions on eHow. Comprehend how to release brakes.
Go back downstairs. Try to release brakes. Recognize lack of comprehension of how to release brakes.
Go back upstairs. Reread eHow instructions.
Go back downstairs. Successfully release brakes. Successfully remove wheel! Pause for moment of self-congratulation, tempered by embarrassment.
Put wheel back on to foresightfully ensure ability to perform procedure and prevent further mishap.
Take bike back outside. Remove wheel. Place bike in back seat, which is surely possible because different bike has been in back seat before. Spend a long time in process of placing bike in back seat, because it's a tricky maneuver best accomplished by two people, as on previous occasions of placing other bike in back seat. Really very much hope that no neighbors are watching proceedings.
Drive toward Los Gatos Creek County Park, following memorized directions. Note sign indicating closeness of Los Gatos Creek County Park. Pause for moment of self-congratulation over ability to successfully follow memorized directions.
Almost merge onto highway. Correct route to prevent merging onto highway, and head in direction of park entrance.
Almost merge onto highway again. Feel stupid, but console self with thought of having even more incompetence to add to account of first big solo bike ride.
Enter parking lot of Los Gatos Creek County Park. Try unsuccessfully to feed wrinkly five dollar bill into parking self-pay machine. Succeed on second attempt, so it's hardly even worth mentioning.
Observe gorgeousness of sunshine and water, and decide that luck has turned.
Remove bike from back seat with not that much struggle. Put wheel back on bike. Fend off second random stranger in as many weeks inquiring over desire to have large dent in side of car fixed.
Mount bike. Ride along lovely trail feeling optimistic about lack of further mishap.
Encounter warning sign reading "FLOODED". Experience sinking feeling, but only briefly. Leave trail for private road running alongside. Investigate level of floodedness and determine that sign is not kidding. Continue along private road, encounter non-flooded portion of trail, return to trail. Celebrate private moment of triumph.
Have a really very wonderful, mishap-free, and downpour-free bike ride for an hour and a half. Appreciate large quantities and variety of water, waterfowl, dogs, and people enjoying the brief respite from rain.
Return to car. Experience apparent moment of amnesia leading to inability to loosen whatsit to remove bike wheel.
Decide to try putting bike into trunk of car with back seat folded down, due to further amnesia about the fact that this has been tried and doesn't work.
Struggle foolishly to place bike in trunk for long period of time, surely observed by other park-goers. Grow increasingly embarrassed and upset.
Look closely at whatsit and remember how to loosen it. Remove bike wheel.
Place bike in back seat of car with much difficulty, made worse by embarrassment and frustration.
Drive home without mishap. Remove bike from car. Put wheel back on bike. Wonder if it matters which side the whatsit goes on. Put bike away.
Research bike racks.