The Love That Remains - Chapter 15/22
It’s Saturday morning and Jared and Jensen are cleaning the apartment. Jensen insisted they cleaned it because according to him, the place is becoming a dangerous place to live. Jared complained at first, but when Jensen had asked when was the last time Chad and him had really cleaned the place, Jared didn't have a good answer.
Jared is busy vacuuming the living room, while Jensen cleans up the kitchen, when the doorbell rings. Jared turns off the vacuum cleaner and wipes his hands on his shorts, heading to the door. When he opens it and see who’s at their doorstep, his heart stops for a few moments.
“Mom? Dad? Meg?” Jared’s eyes are almost popping out of their sockets, his mouth goes instantly dry from the sight of his family in front of him. Shit.
“Hey J.T.! How are you baby?” Jared’s mom steps inside and throws her arms around a perplexed Jared, and he awkwardly pats her back in return.
“What are you doing here?” He asks, after giving his father and sister quick hugs as well.
His mother gasps. “Well, since you didn’t come home for the holidays, we had to come see for ourselves how you’re getting along.”
The three of them push inside the apartment without Jared welcoming them in, and he’s getting more desperate by the second. “But... you should have called first, I…”
“Jay, who’s at the door... oh.” Jensen comes in the living room and when he sees the three people, he instantly knows who they are since Jared had shown him pictures of his family.
Sherri looks from Jensen to Jared with a deep frown, obviously wondering why an unfamiliar guy is in Jared’s apartment with only his shorts and an old tee on.
“J.T., who is this? Where’s Chad?”
Jared steps away from his mother and pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. He has a decision to make, and he needs to make it fast. He opens his eyes and looks from his family to Jensen, and he knows he only has one option.
“Jay, I can leave if you want…” Jensen starts in a small voice, clearly at a loss of what to do, but Jared holds up a finger.
“No.” With a quick glance to his family, Jared walks towards Jensen, gathering up all the courage he doesn’t really have and grabs Jensen’s hand, looking up at his family.
“This is Jensen. He’s my boyfriend.”
The room falls silent, three breaths are held at the same time and three pairs of eyes stare at them in shock. As Jared waits for someone to say something, Jensen squeezes his hand tighter, giving him comfort and Jared is so grateful for that.
Jared’s father is the first one to find his voice. “Jared Tristan, stop with the jokes.”
For the first time, Jared doesn’t feel intimidated as he raises an eyebrow at his father. “I’ve never been more serious in my life.” He deliberately laces his fingers with Jensen’s, making sure his whole family sees the gesture. “This is Jensen Ackles. He’s my boyfriend. And he lives here, with me.”
“NO, JARED!” This time it’s his mother who steps forward, pointing a finger at him. “You promised me you would never mention this again! I told you it was only a phase!”
Gerry turns towards Sherri, anger and shock on his reddening face. “You knew about this?” He says in a low whisper.
Before his mother can answer, Jensen tugs at Jared’s hand, turns to him and says in a quiet voice. “Jay, I think I’ll go to the bedroom. You guys need to talk about this alone.” Jared starts to protest, but Jensen holds up a hand to him. “No, Jay. It’s your family, and you need to do this. If you need me, I’ll be right next door, okay?” He gives Jared’s hand a quick kiss and walks towards their bedroom, not sparing anyone a glance.
When the door closes behind Jensen, Sherri turns to Jared, a horrified expression on her face.
“Did that… man say you two share a room?? I hope I misunderstood something here.”
Jared straightens up to his full height, he has decided he’s facing his family, and if they aren’t accepting his relationship with Jensen, it’s their problem.
“There are no misunderstandings here, mom. Jensen is my boyfriend and he lives with me. It’s only natural we share a room. I don’t see how you would expect anything else.”
As Sherri stares at him with her mouth agape, his father turns to her and repeats his question. “Did you. Know. About this?”
Sherri slowly turns to Gerri, with fear in her eyes. “Jared came to me once.” She says, her voice barely a whisper. “He said he thought he liked a boy. I told him that it was a sin, it was wrong! I said it was only a phase, that he would meet a girl someday and get married. I asked him never to mention it again, specially to you, because I knew you would be mad at him for something so silly, and that it would pass.”
Jared feels tears burning behind his eyes, but he refuses to let them fall. He swallows them down and faces both his mom and dad. Megan is quietly sitting in the corner, clearly wanting out of the conversation, so he doesn’t acknowledge her. It’s the moment of truth.
“You know who that boy was mom? It was Jensen. I met Jensen when I was only eleven years old, and I fell in love with him. I didn’t understand what I was feeling back then, and I felt so lost. First, I asked Jeff, and then I asked you. Both of you told me I was a sinner, a freak, that what I was feeling was wrong and that I would go to hell because of it. You told me it was a phase. Do you have a single clue how hard that was for me? To grow up thinking I was committing a sin, and having absolutely nobody to talk to? Because I was afraid if I came to anyone else with this, they’d say the same thing you did.”
Jared takes a breath.
“I felt so alone, all the time growing up. I knew I felt something, and that I had to deal with it all by myself. I had to sit at the table and listen to you people ramble on about how gay people were sinners and immoral. How they were on a much lower level than you, and do you have any clue how I felt listening to this? Knowing I was one of those people and that you would never accept me if you knew the truth? How I had to hide for all those years? Do you know why I decided to come to Dallas instead of staying in Austin? Because I wanted to get away from you. I couldn’t stand living in that house anymore, having to be someone I wasn’t.”
Jared looks at his parents and keeps talking.
“I came here and I still felt ashamed of being myself, until I found Jensen again. He showed me that there’s nothing to be ashamed of, that I can be myself, and I have finally found happiness in him. He’s my boyfriend, I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have him, and I will never be ashamed or feel like a sinner ever again. I don’t care what you guys think, Jensen is it for me, whether you accept it or not.”
Jared finishes and lets out a deep breath, as his mom and dad take everything in.
“Have you lost your mind, Jared?” His mother begins after a while. “You’re choosing that man over us? That’s what you’re saying?”
Jared tilts his head back and looks up at the ceiling, praying for patience.
“God, are you listening to yourself, mom? First, that man has a name, and it’s Jensen. And second, I’m not choosing anyone, you are the ones who think I need to choose in the first place. You think I’m a sinner and apparently you can’t accept my love for Jensen. That sucks, and I really wish you did. Because I don’t see how a love so strong and pure, something that makes me so happy, can be wrong. Apparently my brain doesn’t work like yours. If you accepted this, accepted me, then I wouldn’t have to choose anyone.”
Jared waits a beat, hoping he’s getting his point across.
“You can still be a part of my life, and we can all be a family. But the thing is, I will not give up on the love of my life only because you can’t accept it. It’s my life, not yours. It’s not your story to accept, it’s mine. I made peace with who I am a long time ago, and I wish you’d do the same. But by the look on your faces this is impossible, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Unfortunately, I can’t change your minds, and you definitely won’t change mine. If you don’t think you can have a gay son, then you are the ones choosing here. You can either accept to have a gay son, or no son at all. If your mind is made up then I’m sorry but the door is over there. I’m not gonna hide who I am anymore, I’ve done that enough already. You may have given birth to me mom… but Jensen gave me life.”
“This is wrong, Jared!” His mother says with tears in her eyes. “We are your family, we know what’s best for you! That’s because we love you, and God doesn’t approve, this, this is…”
“Stop.” Jared holds up a hand and his voice leaves no room for arguing. “You only think you know what’s best for me, because you are too narrow-minded to see beyond that. And also, I don’t believe God hates me as much as you think. If He did, He wouldn’t have answered my prayers and brought Jensen back into my life again. You are my mom and dad and I will respect you, but I won’t do as you say. I have friends who truly accept and love me for who I am, they make me feel like family, way more than you.” Jared walks past them and opens the door wide. “If you have nothing else to say, then I think it’s time for you to go. We have no more to talk about, this is Jensen’s and my place now, and we don’t want people here who hate who we are. So please, just leave.”
Sherri looks at Jared with pleading eyes. “J.T. please… you don’t need to do this.”
Jared looks at some point behind her head. “Can you accept me with Jensen?”
Sherri doesn’t answer. Jared opens the door wider, and Gerry grabs his wife’s arm and takes her outside, yelling for Megan, who hasn’t said a single word, to follow. Before leaving, Megan gives Jared a look he can’t decipher, but he’s too out of it to care now. He slams the door behind his family and finally gives into the emotion and lets the tears fall freely. He leans with his back against the door and slowly slides down, sitting on the floor and hugging his knees close to his chest.
Jared buries his face in his arms and sobs, rocking back and forth, until he feels strong arms holding him tight. Jared lets Jensen hold him and pat his hair, whispering assurances in his ear. He doesn’t have a clue what Jensen is saying, but he needs to hear his voice. Jared slowly wraps his arms around Jensen, crying on his shoulder.
“Why can’t they accept who I am, Jen? I am not a sinner, but they think I am. Why can’t they see it??” Jared manages to get out between sobs.
Jensen breaks the hug just enough to look at Jared’s face, framing it with it with both hands. “They don’t know anything, Jay. They don’t understand how wrong they are. It was a shock to them, but I’m sure given time, they will see the light.”
“What if they don’t?” Jared asks in a broken voice.
“Then I’ll be your family. For as long as you’ll have me. And I am so fucking proud of you.”
Jared leans down and rests his head in Jensen’s lap, as his boyfriend caresses his hair and places a gentle kiss on his temple.
Jensen already is his family.
Next Wednesday night finds Jensen at the rehearsal with Chris and Steve, while Jared stays home alone. The last few days after the fight with his family haven’t been exactly easy, but he’s dealing with it. Jensen had taken care of Jared after they were gone, and Jared had asked if they could go to the bar with his friends, which Jensen promptly organized.
Jared had drank way more than he was used to that night and sadly told his friends what had happened. Chad wanted to drive to Austin right away and have a little chat with Jared’s folks. Everyone was really supportive, and for that Jared was deeply grateful. Jared ended up more than a little tipsy, and a drunk Jared was a touchy Jared, even more than usual. Jensen didn’t drink since he’s a recovering addict, so it was up to him to get Jared safely home. He had managed to do just that, but the second the door closed behind them, Jared was all over him and they ended up giving each other hand jobs and heavily making out on the couch until Jared passed out and Jensen had to drag him to bed.
Jared was left with a hangover the next day and still had a lot on his mind. A few days passed and he was still constantly stressing about the fallout with his family, and how he pretty much had no family anymore. His parents hated him, Megan didn’t say anything but he was positive she felt the same and her mother had probably told Jeff as well, and Jared was actually surprised his brother still hadn’t tried to called him just to tell him he’s a sinner.
But Jared is dealing with it. He tells himself over and over (and Jensen tells him too), that he’s not the one who’s wrong. What’s wrong is his family’s attitude towards him, their homophobic views, and they are the ones who have to change, not him.
And now Jensen is at his first rehearsal and Jared is alone. Jensen had invited him to go along, but Jared had refused. It was something special for Jensen himself, something for him to do with his buddies (or he at least hoped they would become that to Jensen), and besides, Jared wanted to be surprised at their first gig. “Raising Kane” is playing at Fitzsimons on Saturday night, and if all goes well at the rehearsal, Jensen will be singing a few songs with them. And Jared cannot wait for that, he is so excited.
He’s making something for dinner and is planning on watching Prison Break, when his phone beeps with a text message. He flips it open and is surprised to see it’s a message from Megan. Waiting to see a repetition of his folks’ words, Jared takes a breath and opens the message.
“Hey bro… look, I want you to know I don’t agree with mom and dad. You should love whoever it is you love and I want you to be happy. I still love you the same, kay?”
Jared reads the text about 10 times and he’s tearing up with relief. He can’t believe he has his sister on his side and she doesn’t hate him. It’s way more than he could ask for. So after finishing putting a quick dinner together, Jared grabs his plate and heads to the living room, sits on the couch with his food on his lap, and dials his sister’s number. They talk for hours, Megan asks Jared about Jensen and he tells her their story, making her very emotional hearing what they’ve went through. Jared also asks about her life and it’s good to hear her voice, and have her support. When he hangs up, Jared is feeling much lighter, at least he hasn’t lost his whole family. There’s still hope.
Saturday comes and with it, Jensen’s first gig with Raising Kane. He had come home after the rehearsal looking really happy and satisfied and Jared was beyond thrilled himself because of it. It was like Jensen had finally found his place. He had excitedly shared with Jared how great the rehearsal was and how cool Chris and Steve were, how the music came naturally when Jensen took over the mic.
When Jared wakes up on Saturday morning, Jensen is already up setting up breakfast and singing to himself, and Jared can’t help but grin. He can tell Jensen is anxious, he is too, but he knows his boyfriend will rock, literally. The main reason Jensen is making breakfast, is because Valentine’s Day was on Wednesday and they couldn’t celebrate, so they had decided to have their own celebration on Saturday. It is a special day for them, their first Valentine’s Day together, and Jared has his own ideas on how to make it unforgettable.
Jensen is off to Fitzsimons in the middle of the afternoon, since he’s supposed to go earlier to rehearse with the guys. Jared is only going in the evening with his friends, so he takes the afternoon to get supplies for the private celebration he plans on having with Jensen after the gig.
Jared heads to Fitzsimons early with Chad and Sophia, and manages to get the table closest to the stage, he really wants to be as close to Jensen as possible. Soon, Danni and Milo arrive and join them. Jared is feeling nervous on Jensen’s behalf, it was agreed with the band that he would come up to sing just a few songs, so he could feel the vibe of a real gig, and see how he feels about performing.
When Raising Kane finally come up on stage, it’s only Chris and Steve at first, and they sing a few songs before taking a break.
“Good evening, folks! Thanks for joining us this evening, and we have a surprise for you! Tonight we are introducing the new lead singer of our band. He’s our missing piece and I want everyone to give him a warm welcome. Put your hands together for Jensen Ackles!”
Jared shoots to his feet and claps and whistles as a shy Jensen walks on the stage. He looks scorching hot with the clothes Jared helped pick out. Worn, faded jeans that Jensen had owned for years - a designer couldn’t have done a better job with them - a simple white t-shirt with a black and blue plaid shirt on top of it, unbuttoned (since it’s too small for Jensen now that he’s gaining weight again) and with the sleeves rolled up. He has a brand new belt around his waist that Jared gave him for Valentine’s day, so he could wear it until Jared’s arms could take its place. His hair is spiked up with gel and his cheeks are pink because he’s nervous, and damn, he is so fucking hot. Jared is drooling as Jensen stands in front of the mic and says a quiet “hello”. Jensen’s gaze travels around the bar and finally stops on Jared, almost in front of him. Jared sends him a thumbs up with a goofy smile on his face, dimples popping, and Jensen visibly relaxes.
He quickly thanks the crowd, and the band, and gives Jared a smile and a wink. The boys start playing the first chords to Sweet Home Alabama and a change starts in Jensen. His posture improves, he stands tall and confident as he grabs the mic and starts singing. Jared can’t take his eyes off of him as he sings one song after the other, and he knows for sure he’s not the only one hypnotized by Jensen. It’s like his boyfriend is at home, the words roll naturally from his tongue and Jensen looks powerful.
When they sing their last song and start saying their goodbyes, everyone starts to protest and hoot, demanding more, and Jared is the one booing loudest. Jensen whispers something to Chris and Steve, and the boys start playing again. Jared recognizes Dream On, and he feels his heart warm up when a blissful Jensen starts singing.
Every time that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay
Jensen is pouring his whole heart into the song, and he makes eye contact with Jared often while he sings it, and Jared knows very well the meaning behind those words and why Jensen has chosen this song.
Yeah, I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win
Half my life's in books' written pages
Live and learn from fools and from sages
You know it's true
All the things you do come back to you
By the time Jensen reaches the chorus everyone is standing up and singing with him, screaming in joy, the whole bar hypnotized by Jensen. Jared himself is transfixed, he always knew Jensen was awesome but this… he has no words to describe.
Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter and sing for the tears
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away
Dream on, dream on, dream on
And dream until your dream comes true
The band leaves the stage to thunderous applause, Jared himself is clapping, stomping and yelling like a maniac. The gig is a tremendous success and Jared has no doubt in his mind that Jensen is now Raising Kane’s official lead singer and he’s so proud of him he could burst. About twenty minutes later, the boys join Jared and his friends at the table, and when Jensen arrives, Jared greets him with a long kiss on the lips and a tight hug. Jensen is vibrating with excitement and Jared shares his happiness.
They all spend a great night together celebrating the success of the gig, a lot of people come and talk to Jensen and the boys, and by the time they call it a night, Jared is feeling tired but deeply satisfied, and he can feel the same from Jensen. They walk back home holding hands and sharing looks and smiles, and Jared wishes the walk was shorter.
When they enter the apartment and Jensen closes the door behind them, Jared presses his boyfriend against it and frames his face with his big hands, staring into his eyes.
“God, I can’t say enough times how amazing you were, Jen! You were just perfect and you’re so talented, hot and oh so sexy.”
Jensen chuckles while placing his two hands on Jared’s hips. “So you think I’m sexy, huh?”
“Are you kidding? Everyone in that room had their eyes on you, but I feel sorry for them, you know why?” Jared leans over to plant a soft kiss on Jensen’s neck. “Because you get to go home with me.”
Jensen gives him the sexiest smile, as Jared saunters away from him heading towards the kitchen, where he takes a bottle of alcohol-free cider from the fridge and pours them two glasses, returning to where Jensen is waiting and handing him one.
“Here’s to your success and our first valentine’s day together. Here’s to more of them, for the rest of our lives.” Jared clinks his glass with Jensen’s and they both take a sip, never taking their eyes off each other. When they are finished, both men put down their empty glasses on the coffee table, and Jared takes Jensen by the hand, walking him to the bedroom and closing the door behind them.
Jared turns around to face Jensen. “I have a valentine’s day present for us.”
Jensen raises an eyebrow, and after placing a chaste kiss on Jensen’s lips, Jared walks to the nightstand, opening the drawer and taking out a small bottle of lube and a pack of condoms. He takes a deep breath and slowly turns around, showing the items to Jensen, feeling the blush on his cheeks as Jensen’s eyes widen.
“Jay, I…” Jensen starts, closing the distance between them and taking the items from Jared’s hands, looks up to face his boyfriend. “Are you sure about this? We can wait if you aren’t ready.”
Jared shakes his head. “I’ve thought a lot about this, and it’s time. You are the only person I’ve ever loved, and the only one I trust to do this with. The only person I want to do this with. I know it sounds cheesy, but…” Jared looks down for a moment, before looking Jensen in the eyes again. “I want you to make love to me, Jen.”
Chapter 16