The Love That Remains - Chapter 21/22

[lullysg]

It’s not easy, but it does get better. After the talk with Jensen, Jared feels as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. He had been feeling so unsure, believing Jensen could leave him any moment, after all, he was a broken man. He had slowly distanced himself from Jensen, because Jared had this crazy idea that it would hurt less when Jensen eventually left him. Deep down he knew it was useless, if Jensen did leave him Jared wouldn’t be able to go on and that was it. He had no idea what would have become of him, but it wouldn’t be good, that’s for sure. Jared had learned to be strong and accept the shit that was thrown at him, but the only thing he couldn’t handle was to lose Jensen again.

But after their talk, and their strong connection was restored, he feels much lighter. The reassurance that Jensen is here to stay, that he loves Jared no matter what, and doesn’t plan on leaving him ever, is the only thing Jared needs to be content. He had been honest with Jensen, Jared wasn’t too worried if he was going to be able walk on his own or not, as long as he had Jensen with him. He had made a promise, he wasn’t gonna ask for anything if he got Jensen back and he means it. He can handle anything that is thrown his way, because Jensen is his strength and Jared knows he will be okay no matter what.

Jared still has ups and downs, still doubts himself, but Jensen is always there, helping him as Jared helped Jensen not too long ago. Jared feels that Jensen not only wants to, but that he needs to help, not only for Jared but for himself too. That he feels he has to be the strong one now, and for that Jared is grateful because if he’s honest, he truly needs it. Jared’s emotions have been a wreck ever since this all started, and Jensen has been his rock, his anchor. Ever since he woke up in the hospital, feeling scared and lost, Jensen has been there by his side and his mere presence was more medicine than everything else was. Jared has been seeing a shrink ever since, and it does help, but the love and support his boyfriend gives him is the most important thing. Jared even lets Jensen do more for him than he actually needs, he can give his boyfriend that for now because he feels Jensen needs it. And he’s gonna do the impossible to be completely worthy of Jensen’s love. Jared hopes he can get there someday.



Jared finally agrees to go to one of the band’s gigs. He still isn’t comfortable in crowded places. He feels self conscious with being seen in a wheelchair, especially since he used to be so much taller than everyone else and now feels so small, but he knows he needs to start getting over it. People will always stare and he can’t stay locked inside forever. Jared knows that every night that Jensen leaves to play with the guys, he wishes nothing more than for Jared to come with him. So far he has declined, the prospect of staying home chilling by himself or with Chad, is far more appealing than making the effort to go out.

But it’s Friday night, his parents and sister had come to spend the weekend in Dallas with him, it’s the first time he has seen them since he came home, and seeing as Jensen has a gig Jared thought he should ask his family if they wanted to come. He knows they are trying, his father is surprisingly accepting them, going as far as giving them one of his cars so they could get around easily, and his mother is trying to come around. Jared knows it’s not easy for her, but he appreciates the effort. Sometimes when they talk on the phone, she asks how Jensen is doing, and for that he’s grateful. He hopes that one day she can fully accept his relationship with Jensen as a natural thing. He’s starting to believe she can get there. It’s amazing what change can happen when you’re faced with the prospect of losing a person you love.

They had agreed to meet at the bar, since Jared’s family had arrived at their hotel kind of late. So Jared rides with Jensen, he’s nervous as hell but Jensen holds his hand all the way to Fitzsimons. Another reason for Jared to be nervous is the bar itself, it’s where they met Stephen and it all went to shit, but Jared knows he must suck it up and face his fears. Fitz is his territory, where he gets to hang out with his friends and watch his love play. Plus, Stephen is locked up and it’s all gonna be fine.

When they arrive, Jensen helps Jared out of the car and into the chair, but Jared doesn’t let his boyfriend push him. Instead, they go side by side, Jensen with a hand gently resting on Jared’s shoulder. When they enter the bar, their usual table at the front of the stage is already taken by their friends, who all get up to greet both of them. They all lean down to hug Jared, everyone stating how happy they are for him to finally join them. Jared blushes but gives his friends a small smile. He knows how much they worry and care about him, and he’s very grateful. They all make room for Jared to accommodate himself at the table, and as Jensen kisses him and announces he’s going backstage to prepare for the gig, Jared settles down and asks Chad to go get him a Coke, he can’t drink yet because he’s still on his meds.

Jared’s family arrive about 10 minutes later, Megan gives him a big hug, followed by his father, who is kinda awkward because he has to lean over to hug Jared and his mother, who has tears in her eyes when she takes him in.

“I’m so glad to see you again baby, thank you for inviting us tonight, we know it means a lot to you.” Sherri kisses the top of Jared’s hair and he smiles. It’s good to have his momma back, bit by bit. The lights go off and the band takes the stage. Everyone claps including Jared, who has just realized how much he has missed seeing Jensen being sexy hot on stage.

Jensen takes the mic and looks down at him, giving a small wink. Jared smiles hugely, his dimples popping, and he realises that it’s has been awhile since that has happened too. It feels good.

“Good night everyone!” Jensen looks down at the crowd as he greets them. “I want to thank you all for coming tonight, we are the Raising Kane and we’re gonna rock your world!” Everyone cheers, but Jensen goes on. “This is a special night for me, and I would like to dedicate this whole gig to the most important person in the whole world to me, who has given me the honor of coming here tonight and making me a very happy man. So let’s make this a night to remember!”

The band starts playing, and Jared is so grateful, not only for Jensen’s words, but for the fact that he didn’t address him directly or point to him, he knows how Jared does not want any attention on him at the moment. It’s not possible, but Jared loves Jensen a little bit more for that.

The gig is awesome, Jensen is very inspired tonight and the band definitely does make it a night to remember. Jared really enjoys himself, he sings every song he knows and even tries to mumble the words on the ones he doesn’t. He hasn’t felt so carefree in such a long time, and it feels awesome. He’s so glad he came tonight. The only downside is that he can’t get up to give the band a standing ovation with everyone else, but he pushes the thought aside. Hopefully he’ll be able to do it soon, and if he doesn’t, he’s not gonna lose sleep over it when he has so many great things going on.

When the guys come from backstage to their table, Jensen kneels beside Jared and gives his boyfriend a bone crushing hug.

“I’m so glad you came tonight, it means a lot to me.” Jensen whispers in Jared’s ear, and he smiles.

“Well, I need to show the groupies who the hot stuff on stage belongs to.”

Jensen presses a chaste kiss on Jared’s lips, both very aware of their audience, and takes the seat next to Jared. The night goes by smoothly, they all get food and drinks, Jared’s family says goodnight right after dinner is finished, claiming it’s late and they will meet again for lunch tomorrow. Everyone else stays for a while, chatting, laughing and drinking (except for Jared and Jensen), and it’s good. Jared feels relaxed and happy, and it’s a relief to realize he’s slowly getting back to normal. It’s gonna take time, but he will get there.



On Sunday night, Jared and Jensen are being lazy just sitting on the couch watching whatever is on TV. Jared’s family has left a couple hours ago for Austin, and it feels good to be alone with Jared again. Not that Jensen didn’t enjoy the company, Jared’s parents are really working on accepting Jared’s lifestyle and his relationship with Jensen, and he knows how important it is for Jared to have his family’s support, especially after everything that has happened. It was a good weekend all in all, but Jensen is selfish and wants his boyfriend all to himself.

At the moment Jared is lying on the couch with his feet on Jensen’s lap. Jensen is giving them a massage as Jared wriggles his toes as much as he can. Ever since he started to get some of his movement back, he’s constantly doing it.

When Jensen’s phone rings it startles both of them. Jensen picks it up from the coffee table, it is an unknown number that seems to be international. He gets up from the couch, gently placing Jared’s legs on it, because apparently he can’t speak on the phone while sitting down, and answers it.

“Hello?”

“Jensen?” He frowns when he hears the voice. He doesn’t know who this is, it sounds vaguely familiar, even though he can’t place it.

“Yes, this is him. Who is this?”

“Oh God.” The person on the other side says in a choked voice, as if holding back tears. Now Jensen is seriously curious to know who the hell it is, but he doesn’t even need to ask. “This is Josh.”

His brother. Jesus Christ. Now it’s Jensen who has to hold down a sob, he hasn’t talked to his brother in so long. They had always been close, Jensen had always looked up to Josh, and when everything fell apart and Jensen left home abruptly, he didn’t know which side his brother was on. He was off to college and they didn’t talk anymore, Jensen kept his distance even when he was living with his aunt, because he didn’t want Josh to see the disgrace he had become. His brother was the typical poster kid, everything their parents dreamed about, and Jensen was the pariah. He never knew how his brother felt.

“Jensen? You there?” Josh says, and Jensen snaps out of it and back to the present. “Yeah, I’m here.” His voice is strained, he’s trying really hard not to break down right now. He thinks of something to say but Josh starts talking first.

“God, Jensen I can’t believe I’m finally talking to you. When mom told me she had found you, I couldn’t believe it. It took me weeks to gather up the courage to call because I’m such a wuss, but oh my God it’s you. Jensen you have no idea how I’ve missed you and how long I’ve tried to find you.”

“You did?” Jensen is shocked to hear that, he thought his brother would be a younger copy of his father, but he’s saying that he actually cares about him.

“Of course! It took me a long time to find out why you really left home, and when I learnt that our father had kicked you out and the reason behind it, I was beyond furious. I tried to reason with him, but he was set on his beliefs. So we drifted apart until there was no contact between us. I couldn’t stay close to a father who kicks out his own son because of who he is. Throughout the years I tried everything I could to find you, but it was like you had disappeared into thin air. I finally gave up a few years ago, trying to accept the idea that you must be dead. And now you have reappeared and I can’t tell you how much that means to me, Jen.”

Jensen can’t fight back his tears anymore as he sinks down on the coffee table. He hadn’t noticed that Jared had sat up and is now leaning close to him, a hand on his knee showing support. Jared has a frown on his face since he has no clue as to who Jensen is talking to, so he manages to mouth ‘it’s my brother’, and Jared squeezes his knee, not saying a word.

“I… I don’t know what to say.” His voice wavers, strong emotions welling up inside him. “So much has happened in all these years, I thought you all hated me. Sorry I disappeared. I miss you too, Josh.” He pinches the bridge of his nose and grabs Jared’s hand, holding it tight.

“We have a lot to talk about, little bro. Years to catch up on. For now, I’m just glad we have found each other again. So tell me, how are you now?”

Jensen manages to laugh between his tears, such a casual question but holding so much meaning. “I’m good. I’ve been through a lot, but I’m trying to build my life now. I have Jared, who’s my boyfriend, and he has helped me through it all. We’re fighting the fight together and that’s what matters. What about you? Are you calling from an international number?”

“I’m glad to hear you are doing good and have a special someone. I sure want to meet Jared, you bet! And yes Jen, I live in England now, in Manchester, to be more specific. As I said, things weren’t good with dad and mom wasn’t much help either, so I got a scholarship to study abroad and here I stayed. I have a wife and a kid now, his name is William and he’s three years old. You’ll love him Jen! I’m planning on visiting soon, especially now that I know you’re in Dallas, and then we can finally meet again.”

The brothers talk a little more, about their lives and Josh’s family. They agree to videochat soon, and Josh writes down Jensen’s email so he can send his brother pictures of his son and wife, making Jensen promise to send a picture of him and Jared as well.

When he hangs up, Jensen feels emotionally drained, and he falls into Jared’s arms, who holds him tight as he cries. He tries to weakly protest that he should be the one comforting Jared, but his boyfriend tells him to shut up. It felt so good to talk to his brother after so long, and only now has Jensen realized how much he truly missed Josh. He feels so relieved to be able to get back in touch with him, a person from his family who never did any harm to him. He wishes Josh was in Dallas so he could go see him now, give his brother a hug. But they can talk face to face soon and he’s coming to visit. He knows things won’t be as easy with his mother, because he has been hurt too much, but he’s really happy to have his big brother back.



A couple of weeks later, Jensen picks Jared up from rehab and they go straight home. Jared can see his boyfriend is tired, must have been a long day. Jensen has been working a lot for the past few weeks, and Jared feels bad because he can’t work right now, even though Jensen has made clear he doesn’t mind at all and he feels good to be the provider for a change. Jared understands but it still sucks. He hopes that when his rehabilitation ends, he is able to find something he can do. Right now he’s trying to catch up on his studies, his professors and classmates have been sending him what he has missed and he’s been using his free time to study. He’s lucky the university was very understanding of his situation and allowed him to study at home and take his tests at the end of the semester, so he can graduate along with his class. At least Jared doesn’t feel totally useless.

But tonight, he has a surprise for Jensen and he hopes it will brighten up the mood of his boyfriend at least a bit. After Jared showers, he sits on the couch and waits for Jensen to finish his own. When he comes to the living room, Jared calls him.

“Hey Jen… would you come here? I wanna show you something.”

Jensen approaches him with a frown on his face, trying to find something different in Jared and obviously finding nothing.

“What is it babe?”

Jared makes Jensen stand in front of himself, and he grabs his forearms with his two hands, keeping a strong hold.

“Hold me tight, okay?” Jared asks, and using his boyfriend’s strength, Jared slowly pushes himself up. It’s freaking hard, he just managed to do it for the first time today at the rehab center and it had drained him then. But he wanted to show his boyfriend, and it’s worth it just for the look on Jensen’s face right now. Jared is not really standing on his own, he’s using Jensen’s arms as a support like he used the parallel bars earlier, but it’s something. He’s sweating and panting from the exertion, but when he looks at Jensen, Jared smiles. His boyfriend is staring at him in awe, his mouth agape, like this is the most awesome thing he has ever seen.

“What do you think, Jen?” Hearing Jared’s voice seems to get Jensen out of his trance. He blinks a few times and looks Jared up and down, a huge smile spreading over his face.

“Oh my God Jay, I can’t believe it! You’re up, this is so fucking awesome! When did this happen, why didn’t you tell me before?” Jensen’s eyes are shining and Jared knows he’s not really mad.

“It was just today, and I wanted to surprise you. But right now I really need to sit down because it’s tiring as fuck”

Jensen gently helps Jared sit back on the couch and kneels down in front of him, running a hand through Jared’s hair.

“Jay, this is fantastic, I’m so proud of you. You’ve made so much progress, I’m sure you’ll take your first steps soon enough!”

Jared smiles fondly at Jensen. “I hope so. It feels damn good to be up for a change, even if it’s for a small period of time, and I can’t do it on my own yet. But it’s nice.”

Jensen leans over and presses a lingering kiss on Jared’s mouth. “Damn right it’s nice!”

Jared smiles into the kiss. “I was kinda hoping you weren’t too hungry though… Because I was wondering if you were up to a small celebration tonight.”

Jensen backs down and stares at his boyfriend, and Jared feels suddenly shy as he looks down, his cheeks burning.

“Is this what I think it is?”

Jared shrugs, still not meeting Jensen’s eyes. “If you’re up to it.”

Jensen doesn’t answer, he just picks Jared up and slowly carries him to their bedroom. Jared wraps his arms around Jensen’s neck and plants small kisses on his neck. Jensen walks faster.

He gently puts Jared at the center of the bed, kneeling between his legs and looking serious, staring deep into Jared’s eyes.

“You’re sure you wanna do this, babe? You’ve been through a lot, we can wait as long as you want, you know that.”

Jared grabs Jensen’s shirt and brings him down, kissing him with passion, allowing himself to get lost in it for the first time in a while. He has been so guarded, waiting to heal first so he could completely let go with Jensen, but he realized he doesn’t need to wait. Being with Jensen is the best healing process in the world.

“I’m sure.” He mumbles into Jensen’s mouth. “Oh my God Jen, I need you so much it hurts. Be with me tonight, please.”

So Jensen does. He undresses both of them very slowly, worshiping every part of Jared’s body. There are two burn marks on Jared’s torso, one on his right sternum and another below his left nipple. They are from the defibrillator, when the doctors were desperately trying to resuscitate him. Jared feels kind of self conscious about those marks, they are sort of ugly, but Jensen takes his time planting kisses on both.

“They are what brought you back to life, Jay.” Jensen whispers as if reading his thoughts, and his voice is almost reverent. As he trails down, Jared wonders again how it was for Jensen to almost lose him. Actually, Jared doesn’t have to imagine, he was there himself when Jensen’s heart wasn’t beating, he was the one who desperately tried to bring him back to life. So both of them know very clearly what is like to almost lose the other. Jared doesn’t want to be on either end, ever again.

When Jensen’s mouth wraps around the pulsing head of Jared’s cock, he sees stars. God it has been so long, and he is just now realizing just how much he missed it. Jensen takes his time licking up his shaft and around the head, swallowing him down until Jared’s dick hits the back of his throat. Jared doesn’t last long though, when Jensen gently massages his balls and presses a finger in Jared’s hole, he lets go, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back. Jensen swallows it all. He moves up, kissing Jared passionately as he coats his fingers with the lube he had picked up and works his fingers inside Jared. He stares at his boyfriend again, as if looking for any signs of discomfort, but there are none.

When Jensen puts a condom and coats his dick with lube, pressing it to Jared’s entrance, he seems unsure.

“Jen, please do it.” Jared’s own dick is coming back to life one more time, and God he needs Jensen. This is definitely the best part of gaining full sensation below his waist again. He can see how much Jensen needs him as well, and he should congratulate his boyfriend on his will power.

“Jay… are you really sure? What happened…”

Jared doesn’t answer, but grabs Jensen’s hips and brings him closer, making his dick slip inside him. Jared understands Jensen’s resistance, after what he witnessed Jared do, he has every right to. But the truth is, Jared needs this to heal. What he was forced to do was horrible, having sex with someone he didn’t want in the slightest, specially with a gun pointed at his head. But he needs to know he can feel pleasure again, that it can be good and make him happy, and he can only have that with Jensen. Jensen was his first and will be his last, and Jared doesn’t want to think about what happened in the middle. He’s more than ready to erase this part from his life and finally heal completely.

As Jensen thrusts into him, slowly and deeply, Jared thinks his heart could burst at any moment. He brings his boyfriend down and kisses him like his life depends on it, as if this will be their last kiss, and from now on, that’s how Jared will treat every kiss they share. He never knows what may happen tomorrow, so he wants to enjoy every second with Jensen.

Jensen grabs Jared’s cock and strokes it together with his thrusts, and Jared comes again right after Jensen does. Jensen collapses half on top of Jared, kissing his neck and the spot behind his ear.

“Thank you.” Jared whispers, not able to prevent a tear from falling. Jensen gently wipes it with his thumb, placing a kiss on the spot.

“No need to thank me. I’m the luckiest man in the word to have you.” They stay like this for a while, cooling down and enjoying the silence. “Do you wanna stay here or do you still want dinner?”

Jared wants to stay, but his stomach chooses this moment to protest, and they laugh. Jensen gets up and brings back a washcloth to clean them both, along with Jared’s chair. He leaves Jared to get himself settled (as he is trying to be more independent) and goes into the kitchen to prepare their food. Jared smiles as he sits up on the bed. Things are getting better, they are gonna be fine, they are together and strong, and Stephen has lost. It’s a great feeling.



June 3rd, 2007

Our love will always win, now I’m sure about it.
Thanks for being my source of strength,
my reason to wake up in the morning.
Our love prevailed once again.

Chapter 22