The Love That Remains - Chapter 19/22

[lullysg]

When Sherri and Megan leave to go see Jared, Jensen is left in the waiting room with Jared’s father, an uncomfortable silence hanging between them, and Jensen isn’t sure what to say. Thankfully, Gerry spares him the worry and starts talking first.

“Look, Jensen.” The man turns towards him, but has a hard time looking Jensen in the eyes, as if he’s struggling to get the words out. Jensen waits patiently. “I’m not sure where to begin, but… I need to apologize, to you and to my son.”

Jensen is surprised, he opens his mouth to try and say something but Gerry just holds his hand up. “Just… I never understood my son. I never realized he was struggling, I wanted to have a perfect family so I turned a blind eye to him. I should have paid more attention to Jared. That day, when he told us he was gay and had a boyfriend, the shock was immense. You need to understand Jensen, I come from a religious family, I grew up believing gays are sinners, so it was too hard for me to accept it. I’ve never thought this would happen in my family. After we returned home, it was like I was fighting a battle inside myself, between what I was raised to believe and the fear of losing my son. I was gaining some courage to try and talk to him after the shock had worn off, to understand what he was feeling since it was all new to me. I didn’t want to lose my son. But before I could act on it, all of this happened and I may never have a chance to talk to him, to tell him I don’t hate him.”

Gerry has tears on his eyes and Jensen takes pity on him. He’s trying, and that is all that matters. It’s way more than his own father ever did. “Jared was very hurt after that day, thinking he had lost his family. But I’m sure you’ll have the chance to make it up to him, and if you’re willing to do that, to accept you son, accept us, that’s a huge step, and I know Jared will be very happy.”

Jared’s father nods. “I hope so. I’m gonna work on Sherri, I’m sure she will come around, she was always way more focused on her beliefs than I was. But I think after stuff like this happens, you need to rethink your priorities. It’s still hard for me, but if my son is happy with you… I’m willing to learn and accept it. And to get to know my son-in-law better after this is all over. You can be sure you that you can count on me for what you need.”

Jensen swallows hard, very grateful for Gerry’s support. He nods and extends his hand, which Gerry promptly takes, giving Jensen a tight smile as he shakes his hand.

Once everyone has seen Jared, Jensen wants to stay at the hospital with his boyfriend, but the nurse tells him he should go home, he won’t be allowed to see Jared again tonight, and she tells him he’ll be informed if there are any changes in his condition. Megan convinces Jensen to go home and at least take a shower, get some rest and something to eat, so he can come back tomorrow and be with Jared. Jensen reluctantly agrees, after giving the nurse all the numbers he can be reached at, making her promise him to call at any time. He takes a cab home, even after Gerry offers to drive him. He’s still not comfortable with Jared’s mother at all. He just hopes she can come around as well, for Jared’s sake.

But that is something to worry about later. All he wants is for his boyfriend to be okay. There is no other option.



Five days later, Jensen is sitting beside Jared’s bed. He had another surgery that morning, this time to try and fix the damage in his spinal cord, and he’s still unconscious. The past few days have been a rollercoaster.

A day after Jared’s brain surgery, Jensen went through what probably was the worst moment so far, along with the one where he found Jared at his doorstep. He was visiting Jared, everything was looking normal and then the heart monitor started beating weirdly, and right when the nurse hurried to his bed, he flatlined. Jensen was frozen in his spot as he watched the monitor and Jared’s still form, the knowledge that his heart had stopped breathing, suffocated him. Someone yelled ‘code blue’ and another person came running in with a crash cart. A nurse started pushing Jensen out of the room, he didn’t want to leave, he had to stay with Jared, make sure he would live, he wanted to protest but the nurse pretty much dragged him out, closing the door behind him.

“Look, you must wait out here.” The nurse said in a hurried voice. “We’re doing everything we can to save him.” But there was resignation in his voice, and Jensen knew the chances were slim. The nurse went back inside and Jensen felt so lost. Jared was dying behind those doors, and there was absolutely nothing he could do.

Heavy tears ran down his face, sobs escaped his throat and he wrapped his arms around himself. Jensen didn’t know what to do, so he started walking aimlessly, too desperate to stay put. Close to the ICU, he found a small chapel. Without thinking about it, Jensen stepped inside, sitting down on the last row of chairs. He stared at the altar for a while, unsure of what to do, what to say. His mind traveled back to that day, months ago, when Jared talked to him about faith and prayer. So Jensen bowed his head and prayed, the only way he knew how.

God, please. I’m not sure why I am here, and I know I probably don’t deserve it… I never knew how to pray or what to believe in, but even if I have no right to ask… please save Jared. I’m not asking it for me, but if there’s a person who deserves to live, it’s Jared. He’s so caring and loving, he has a heart the size of the world, and not a single mean bone in his body. He doesn’t deserve this, the shit I put him through. Even if he doesn’t want to see me anymore, I’ll respect that. I’ll do anything, God please. Just don’t take him, not yet. You can take me instead if you want, but not Jared. Please, I beg you.

Jensen took a while to compose himself, gathering courage to go back and hear the verdict on Jared. He slowly dragged himself back to the waiting room, and he stayed there, waiting. He didn’t call anyone, deciding he should hear what happened to Jared first.

A while later, a doctor came and told him they had managed to get Jared stabilized, but his health was still critical. Jensen cried in relief, the knowledge that Jared was still alive, still fighting, was enough for him, for now.

The next day, to his utter surprise, Jared’s brother Jeff knocked on his door. He didn’t know who the man was at first, Jared didn’t talk about his brother much, but Jensen had a pretty good idea, seeing he was as least as tall as Jared, maybe taller. Jensen had been wary, thinking Jeff would want to fight with him, but to his shock, Jeff was very nice. He had told Jensen that he used to be homophobic, due to the way he was raised, but moving away, meeting new people at college, some of them gay, made him change his mind.

“I wish I knew what my brother was going through. When he came to me, I didn’t pay much attention to him, he said it was about a friend of his and I believed him. There was no way I could have a gay brother. I wish I had been there for him, helped him, been a real big brother, someone he could have looked up to. I hope I can make it up to him.”

Jensen was pleased to see Jared’s family coming through, he just hoped it wasn’t too late. His mother still kept her distance, but she had become less hostile towards Jensen, so he figured Gerry must have been doing some talking.

The doctors had decided to wait a few more days, when Jared would be more stable to have the spinal cord surgery. He hadn’t woken up yet, but they said it was to be expected, especially since the heavy head trauma, it could take the patient a while to come to.

Jensen decided to go back to work, since he couldn’t stay with Jared for more than a few moments each day. He had agreed with Jim that he’d work less hours while Jared was in the hospital, he felt like he needed to occupy his mind with something other than staying at home or in the hospital corridors. He also needed the income to pay their bills.

And now he’s by Jared’s bed, trying to keep it together. After the surgery, the doctor had given them some awful news. He told them that, due to the injury to Jared’s spine, he had a long, hard recovery ahead of him, and he could be left with permanent damage to his legs. The doctor said he didn’t have a complete injury to his vertebrae, so he wouldn’t be 100% paralyzed, but they couldn’t say if he was ever gonna walk on his own again.

That was a hard blow to Jensen, he still felt awful knowing this all happened because he entered Jared’s life again. If he was strong enough, he knows he should walk away, get out of Jared’s life after all he has done, but the truth is, he isn’t strong enough. He wants to, he needs to be there for Jared, he wants to help him get through everything. Jared was there for him through the bad times, and he wants to do the same for him. He will be there for him through it all, unless Jared himself sends him away. If he does, Jensen isn’t sure what he would do, but he will respect Jared’s wishes.

For now, all he needs is for Jared to open his eyes. He’s gonna deal with everything else later.



At first, Jared doesn’t know where he is. He feels like he’s thousand miles away, swimming deep down in the ocean, and everything is foggy. His senses come back very slowly, his eyelids are so heavy and he fights to open them, but fails. He hears distant sounds, he knows there’s something in his mouth, but when he tries to lift his hand to take it off, it feels impossible to even move. His legs feel weird too, it’s like they aren’t 100% there, and when he tries to, they won’t move either.

Jared isn’t sure if he drifted off or not, but he tries to open his eyes again, it’s a huge struggle, but this time he hears a voice. It sounds far away, but Jared knows this voice, and he knows he likes it. To Jared, it’s the best sound in the world. There’s a light touch on his hand, and Jared tries, with all his power, to squeeze the hand on his. He isn’t sure if he succeeds, but the voice tells him to wake up, he thinks. Yeah, maybe he should try again. It’s a hard task, but his eyes finally open only to close again, the brightness of the room blinding him.

He hears footsteps going away and coming back again, and that lovely voice telling him to try one more time so he does, after feeling a warm hand touching his forehead. Jared opens his eyes and blinks a few times, it’s darker now so it’s a bit easier. He’s in a white room that smells funny. Jared’s brain tells him he’s in a hospital, but he isn’t sure why. There’s something uncomfortable down his throat, so he tries again and this time his hand moves, but when he tries to touch the thing, someone grabs his hand mid-air.

“You can’t touch it Jay… I’ll ask the doctor if he can take it out.” The voice wavers, it sounds closer now, and Jared instantly turns his head, coming face to face with his favorite person in the world.

Jensen.

He tries to say the word but nothing comes out, and he starts panicking. But again, Jensen’s words calm him down, telling Jared the nurse is on the way. Jared’s eyes don’t leave Jensen’s, and he can see tears running down his lover’s face. Whatever happened to him, it wasn’t pretty and he isn’t sure if he wants to find out. He squeezes Jensen’s hand and doesn’t let go.



The nurse comes in the room after Jensen pushed the button calling her, and is pleased to see Jared is awake. She greets him, and Jared only stares at her in confusion. The nurse tells Jensen she’s gonna get the doctor, and after a couple minutes that pass in silence, with Jensen mumbling nonsense to keep Jared calm, the doctor finally arrives with the nurse behind him.

“Hello Mr. Padalecki, it’s so nice to see you finally awake! I’m doctor Kripke, and I’ve been taking care of you.”

Jared frowns and makes a small motion towards the tube.

“Guess you’re ready to take this out, then? Well, I’ll do a quick check to see if everything is alright, and then we can remove it.” The doctor turns to Jensen. “Mr. Ackles, would you mind waiting outside while we do this? I promise you can come back as soon we’re done.”

Jensen does mind, he wants to stay with Jared, but he has learned by now it’s futile to argue with the doctors and nurses. There’s a slightly panicked look on Jared’s face, but Jensen places a hand on his cheek.

“I’ll be right outside, Jay. They will take this tube out and I’ll come right back to you okay?”

Jared nods, defeated, perhaps the prospect of having the tube removed is too great to pass. Jensen presses a lingering kiss to Jared’s forehead, and then dutifully leaves the room.

As Jensen waits outside, he calls Megan to let her and Jared’s parents know he is awake, and she informs him they are on their way. Jensen has spent almost all of his free time with Jared since he was transferred to a regular room a couple days earlier. The doctors had decided his vitals were improving and he didn’t have to stay in the ICU any longer, as they were only waiting for him to wake up. That had been a relief for Jensen and everyone else, and it also meant they could spend more time with Jared.

About 15 minutes later, the nurse and doctor come out of the room, and the latter tells him that he may go inside, Jared is waiting. Jensen doesn’t need to be told twice.

He rushes to the bed and notices that the tube has been replaced by a nasal cannula. Jared looks tired, a couple of tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, probably from the effort of having the tube removed. He looks like a sad puppy. Jensen sits down and squeezes Jared’s hand.

“Better now?” Jensen asks, giving Jared a small smile. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to looking into his deep hazel eyes again.

“Yeah.” Jared answers, but his voice is raspy and low. “What happened?”

Jensen flinches, he has been dreading the moment Jared would ask that. But it’s better to get this over with, Jared will find out sooner rather than later.

“Don’t you remember anything?”

Jared frowns and looks up to the ceiling, clearly trying to get his mind to remember something. A few minutes pass before he whispers.

“S-Stephen… I was with him?” He asks with a shaky voice.

Jensen nods, noticing Jared’s growing distress. “Yes. He… he took you and kept you somewhere. I didn’t know where you were for days and he did things to you, and….”

Jensen doesn’t finish because suddenly Jared starts trembling so violently that Jensen is frozen for a few seconds. Jared is obviously remembering the things that happened to him while he was being kept by Stephen, and he’s not reacting well. Jared starts screaming and thrashing, as if he’s reliving every moment. Jensen tries to touch his arm but Jared jerks away so violently he almost falls off the bed, the only thing keeping him in place are his unmoving legs, which Jared is too distressed to notice. Yeah he’ll be even more thrilled when he hears about that part.

Jensen pushes the call button again and goes out in the hall to call for help because Jared has completely lost it and he’s gonna end up hurting himself. The same nurse comes running, and as soon as she takes in Jared’s panicky state, she hurries to administer a sedative. Jared slowly starts to calm down, until he’s lying still on the bed. The nurse adjusts everything back in its place, as Jensen tells her what happened. She tells him Jared will sleep for a while, and as she leaves the room, Jensen sits down again and buries his face into Jared’s chest, and he cries. This is not fair.



The next couple of days aren’t easy for Jared in the slightest. When he had woken up the next time, Jensen was gone and his parents were with him instead. He panicked, he was still freaking out over what had happened to him and the things he was forced to do, he wanted to see Jensen, but he was probably gone by now, it wasn’t like Jared should expect Jensen to sit and wait for Jared to wake up all day long. Specially after everything…

His mother started crying when she saw him awake, and Jared demanded them both to leave his room.

“But baby… we were so worried about you,” his mother had claimed, in a teary voice. But Jared didn’t even hesitate.

“You weren’t worried about me when you learned about me and Jensen, and opted to step away from my life if I continued with him. The reason I am here is because people who think exactly like you can’t stand the happiness of people like me. So please, get out.”

Jared’s mother had left the room in a rush, crying out loud. Before leaving, his father turned to him with a sad expression on his face.

“I want to apologize for my earlier behavior, son. I hope someday you can believe I don’t hate you, and I have changed some old fashioned views that I had until recently. I’m relieved to see you’re okay and I will be here as soon as you are willing to see me.”

Jared had cried after that.

When Jared received the news about his current condition, he didn’t cry or get desperate. He has been through so much shit already and he felt so awful, that this was only the cherry on top. Jensen was with him when the doctor told Jared, Jensen on the other hand, couldn’t hide his tears. Once the doctor left, he started sobbing, begging Jared for forgiveness, and Jared was clueless about that.

“Why do you want me to forgive you for, Jen?”

Jensen looked at him with wide sorrowful eyes. “Because it was all my fault, Jay. Stephen is my cousin, he only did what he did to you so he could get to me. If it wasn’t for me, this wouldn’t be happening to you.”

Jensen cried even harder, burying his face on Jared’s shoulder, and Jared himself couldn’t hold back his own tears.

“Don’t do this Jen, please… it’s not your fault, you didn’t take me… I just don’t get why you’re still here after what I did.”

Jensen looked up with a confused frown on his face. “What are you talking about?”

Jared scoffed. “I… I fucked that woman, Jensen. I cheated on you. And he said he was gonna send you a video and you probably had to watch it, Jesus Jensen, how can you ever touch me again after that?”

Jared felt filthy after he was forced to do that, and he couldn’t understand why Jensen didn’t hate him for it. But Jensen took Jared’s hand in both of his, bringing it close to his face and gently planting a kiss on his knuckles.

“Jay… you were forced to do that, otherwise Stephen was gonna kill you. That is rape. It doesn’t matter if you were the one doing it to the girl, it was against your will. How can you think I’d be mad at you for that? I thought…” Jensen’s voice faltered as his throat closed up. “I thought I was gonna lose you. I thought I’d never see you again, and I was so fucking scared, Jay. Those days without you were unbearable, I don’t know what I would have done…”

Jensen couldn’t finish, and for the first time Jared realized what it was like for Jensen on those days he was gone. He tried to put himself in Jensen’s place, and he doesn’t know if he would have made it. After getting his love back, the idea of losing him again would be unthinkable. Neither of them said anything else, they just clung to each other, trying to reassure one another that they were really there and safe. They fell asleep holding hands.



Officer Morgan calls to tell Jensen they have arrested Stephen, and he lets out a relieved breath. He also says Jared that he needs to testify, so they can build a strong case against him.

Jensen talks to Jared, and he doesn’t want to do it at first, claims he can’t go through all of it again. Jensen tries to convince Jared, claiming that it’s their chance to make Stephen pay. Jared agrees under the condition that Jensen stays with him while he testifies. When Jensen tells Morgan, the officer tries to object, but Jensen makes it pretty clear Jared won’t talk unless they agree to it, so that’s what happens.

After Jared has given his statement, all the while squeezing Jensen’s hand, Morgan tells him they have enough evidence on Stephen, and he’s probably going on trial, hoping he will face at least a few years in prison, specially since he doesn’t have a clean record. Now, Jensen can focus only on Jared’s recovery.

Jared’s family is finally making it up to Jared, Sherri has finally begun to realize she has to reevaluate her beliefs and priorities in life. She has politely told Jensen she is trying to accept things, if it means having a relationship with her son back, and for that, Jensen is grateful. Jared, his parents and siblings had a long talk, and things between them changed for the better after that. Apparently, almost losing someone has the power to change a person’s mind about the way they look at things. Jensen is relieved, to be honest. Jared’s family is good, they just had a lot of prejudices and didn’t know how to deal with it when a different situation knocked on their door. At least one good thing came out of all of this.



Jared has begun working on his recovery with physical therapy, and he’s also talking to a shrink. He was reluctant at first, but Jensen talked him into accepting professional help. Jensen knew he could only help Jared up to a certain point.

The physical aspect is hard too, Jared has little to no movement in his legs and limited feeling, and Jensen can feel Jared is getting very frustrated by that.

“What is gonna happen to me, Jen? If I can’t walk, what am I supposed to do?”

Jensen had held Jared while the younger man sobbed, his new reality finally sinking into him.

“We’re gonna work this out, my boy. The doctor said you have a good chance of recovering, even if it’s not 100% I’m sure you’ll be able to stand up eventually. You need to work hard on the therapy and I’ll be by your side every step of the way. We’ll get through this together, and we’re gonna be okay. You’ll be alright, and I’ll be by your side as long as you will have me.”

Jared didn’t respond, only cried harder and clutched Jensen tighter.



To cheer Jared up a bit, Jensen brings his guitar to the hospital on his next visit. Jared raises an eyebrow at him, and he gives his boyfriend a shy smile before leaning down to kiss him on the forehead.

“I thought I would sing you a song, you know… I’m sure listening to my awesome voice will lighten up your mood.”

Jared laughs for the first time, it’s short and not the kind of easy laughter Jared usually has, but it’s a start. Jensen sits down and places the old guitar on his lap. He has chosen a cheesy song, but he believes this is what Jared might need now.

This Romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby that's just me

And I will love you baby always
And I'll be there forever and a day always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme
And I know when I die you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you always

Jensen only sings half of it and Jared is crying by the time he finishes, he hopes his boyfriend can at least try to understand he’s not going anywhere, anytime soon. He only leaves the room once Jared is fast asleep, not before placing a lingering kiss to his forehead.

Jensen walks home thinking about Jared as usual, wondering when he’ll be able to come home. He wishes he could stay with him longer, but Jensen can’t leave his job, especially not now. He thinks about calling Chris to ask him when they can start having gigs again, he could really use the income. He’s relieved to know Jared is rarely alone, when Jensen isn’t there his mother is, or Chad, or Megan, or one of their friends. Jared’s father went back to Austin a couple days ago, since he had to go back to his job, and Jeff had left a few days earlier, but both of them are always calling to see how Jared is doing.

Jensen arrives home and takes a quick shower, but before he can think of making something to eat, the doorbell rings. He wonders if it’s Chris, and opens the door without even checking the peephole. When he realizes who the people outside his door are, he almost falls down.

“M… Donna? Mackenzie?”

Chapter 20