004. more prominent feelings
It seems as if every day I go through now I realize more and more just how much I need to be a boy. I'm literally sick right now with depression about it. I can't tell anyone. Ever. I really can't. I'm not going to, no matter what. I'm just so sad, though. It's unreal...I've never been like this about it. I don't know. Maybe I'm still in the "just realized" stage and I'll get over this soon, but ugh.
I need it so bad. You have absolutely no idea. I started crying in the shower tonight after I got back from a friend's party. It was really on the way home I started thinking about it too much. It's a long ride from my friend's house to my house, and my dad was pissed off so the radio wasn't on to distract me. Oh, hello, getting lost in my thoughts. That's always been bad for me, but now it seems to be even worse.
God it's like my depression all over again. Except I suppose it didn't really end. It's just prevailing now for a different reason. Even that reason still might be in play, though. Seeing my two friends together like they were today stung a little, kind of like it did when they first started dating and I only had slight feelings towards her boyfriend. Then I went and fell in love with him, cue five months of depression. I was thinking I got over him but now I'm not sure. Gah. I don't like thinking about it.
There's just way too much going on at once for my mind to process. My depression now, though is something I'm afraid I won't ever fix. It's not like I'll ever get the money or support I'll need to go through with surgery or anything like that. Fuck, I'm not even trying to pass right now. I'm just so scared of what people would say, what they would think.
I really envy the courage of openly trans people. Just ugh, I wish I could do that, but I can't. I'm way too scared and it kills me a little more every day. I don't know if I'll survive summer like this. I mean I hope I can but at the same time, if it's already this bad, I'm terrified to think how bad it could get as the months progress and I don't do anything about it.
Cause, well, I'm not really gonna do anything about it. I can't. I can't tell anyone. I'm not going to. There is no way anyone in my family or my friends is going to know about this. Ever. Kirk knows, but that's it. That's all it'll ever be. Fuck it kills me to say that, but I don't know how I'll ever be able to go about telling anyone close to me how I truly feel on the inside.
I feel my sixth month of depression coming on. Strong. Fucking woo.
I need it so bad. You have absolutely no idea. I started crying in the shower tonight after I got back from a friend's party. It was really on the way home I started thinking about it too much. It's a long ride from my friend's house to my house, and my dad was pissed off so the radio wasn't on to distract me. Oh, hello, getting lost in my thoughts. That's always been bad for me, but now it seems to be even worse.
God it's like my depression all over again. Except I suppose it didn't really end. It's just prevailing now for a different reason. Even that reason still might be in play, though. Seeing my two friends together like they were today stung a little, kind of like it did when they first started dating and I only had slight feelings towards her boyfriend. Then I went and fell in love with him, cue five months of depression. I was thinking I got over him but now I'm not sure. Gah. I don't like thinking about it.
There's just way too much going on at once for my mind to process. My depression now, though is something I'm afraid I won't ever fix. It's not like I'll ever get the money or support I'll need to go through with surgery or anything like that. Fuck, I'm not even trying to pass right now. I'm just so scared of what people would say, what they would think.
I really envy the courage of openly trans people. Just ugh, I wish I could do that, but I can't. I'm way too scared and it kills me a little more every day. I don't know if I'll survive summer like this. I mean I hope I can but at the same time, if it's already this bad, I'm terrified to think how bad it could get as the months progress and I don't do anything about it.
Cause, well, I'm not really gonna do anything about it. I can't. I can't tell anyone. I'm not going to. There is no way anyone in my family or my friends is going to know about this. Ever. Kirk knows, but that's it. That's all it'll ever be. Fuck it kills me to say that, but I don't know how I'll ever be able to go about telling anyone close to me how I truly feel on the inside.
I feel my sixth month of depression coming on. Strong. Fucking woo.