transphobia / being ugly / story time
Last night sucked wicked bad.
Story time:
I went to Dunkin Donuts with some friends to get, gee, I don't know, maybe some donuts. I had been in a good mood prior and was pretty hyper and chatty and silly. As we stood and waited at the counter, the server, some lanky pimply guy (who looked like a cross between Lane Staley and Vanilla Ice but uglier) came up and was like: "What can I get for you, ladies". I hate that, and my general response to the hillarity of getting called a "lady" no less, is to laugh or grin or something. I did so, and he noticed. He pointed at me and was like, "You know I thought you were a guy at first in that hat and with that jacket." I was wearing my knit visor beanie and a Members Only style jacket. At this I got pretty uncomfortable and self conscious and didn't really know what to say or do, so I stuffed my hands in my pockets and looked down. I didn't know what to say, "Good!" or "yeah, that happens a lot", or "hmmm, funny you should think that." I didn't say anything and I wanted to just be able to order our damn donuts and leave. He kept going and sort of leaned towards me and added "I think that's a sign you should try something else" as if he was cluing me into the fact that I was failing miserably at hetero femininity. That just made me feel awful and at that point nobody at all knew what to do. I kept shuffling around and avoiding his face but I knew I was blushing and I knew he was trying to get me to look at him. It seemed to last forever and the awkward feeling wouldn't relent. Finally, we ordered (and I felt so shitty even having to ask this asshole to get me anything after he had made me feel like such shit.) As he was getting my friend's coffee, he hollered back at us "Wait a minute, maybe you are a guy?!", but not in a legitimate way, in a mocking way. He knew I was female and he didn't think I was trying to express anything other than femininity. I was really into the idea of leaving that damn Dunkin Donuts at this point. He said some more shit about being confused and got our donuts and made more fun of us for requesting a shared bag, that we were tree-huggers or some such thing, "those kinds of people". He was obviously really fucked up in numerous ways, because when we gave him the money, and the cash register drawer swung out, he "oofed" and mocked as if it had smacked him in the nuts. What a fucking jerk off. Then he proceeded to ask us what we were doing that night. We left. We got in the car and I just slunk into the seat, I felt sooooo fucking embarrassed, for me and my friends. I felt really shitty that they had witnessed that and felt as powerless as me. I felt like shit and we went to the library at Amherst to get my books and I certainly did not feel like being in public. I didn't want anyone to see me, I wanted to be flat, 2-D so no one would notice me at all. Then I went home and totally lost it and cried for a while.
Yeah, he was a jerk and I should just let it go.
I can't. His words really fucking hurt and came at the worst possible time. If you have been reading my journal of late, you'll notice I have been considering trying to live in an unaltered body, as a technical woman, as a masculine one. Yesterday I even wrote about how I was beginning to feel really sexy about that, how I even felt pretty attractive yesterday. Yeah, not so much. This guy made me feel completely ugly and disgusting and undesirable and failing. Not just because I wasn't feminine enough, but because my gender was indeterminate. Now that is embarrassing. To a lot of people, its the most scary and unattractive thing ever.
I think a lot of trannies get the reputation of being vain (and I certainly know that I have one), but I think its important to consider where that comes from and what the past relationships to our bodies, self esteem and other shit that is going on. Its taken me a lot to shake off the shit I experienced when I was younger, being told I was a "dog" (the preferred nomenclature for an ugly girl in elementary school), etc. I am well aware of the massive amounts of self-loathing and butchphobia I've got going on. My self-esteem and self-perception rests tenuously on a brief history and a faith that I am not the ugliest thing under the sun. My shit just got undercut hardcore, and its important to remember that I live in a bubble where people aren't thinking these things (or at least aren't voicing them directly to my face). It was an unpleasant reality check, but not without merit.
I feel as if I will be slinking around for a while, a little more self-conscious of the "psychic space" I am taking up and how it is being read. I'm aware of how big my gender is, and lately I have not been caring what that does to other people, but I feel like I can't help but be a little afraid now. Nothing like this has happened to me in a long time. I actually can't remember the last time my gender was made a public spectacle...maybe that time at the movies when my ticket stub was handed back to me and the woman was like "here you go sir?...ma'am....whatever!". I certainly did not feel the same way then as I do now, and I haven't felt like this since grade school or middle school.
I know this is nothing compared to the other sorts of gender violence people experience, some on a way more frequent basis. I'm not trying to whine about this, I feel very lucky in fact that its not an issue for the most part. The point of this wasn't to bitch and tell my story but more to explore the reasons why this hurts and explore whether or not this will push me in any direction. I must say I feel tempted, but also so riled up and ready to barrel into life as an "ugly girl" in defiance of Dunkin' Donuts Asshole (I am calling his supervisor today to voice a complaint about his general behavior).
I am gonna end this here because it is waaay longer than I intended anyway. Maybe I'll add more thoughts on it later as they come up. I also have a really great experience/story about having indeterminate gender that I had forgotten about but cheers me up a little...maybe I'll write it out.
Story time:
I went to Dunkin Donuts with some friends to get, gee, I don't know, maybe some donuts. I had been in a good mood prior and was pretty hyper and chatty and silly. As we stood and waited at the counter, the server, some lanky pimply guy (who looked like a cross between Lane Staley and Vanilla Ice but uglier) came up and was like: "What can I get for you, ladies". I hate that, and my general response to the hillarity of getting called a "lady" no less, is to laugh or grin or something. I did so, and he noticed. He pointed at me and was like, "You know I thought you were a guy at first in that hat and with that jacket." I was wearing my knit visor beanie and a Members Only style jacket. At this I got pretty uncomfortable and self conscious and didn't really know what to say or do, so I stuffed my hands in my pockets and looked down. I didn't know what to say, "Good!" or "yeah, that happens a lot", or "hmmm, funny you should think that." I didn't say anything and I wanted to just be able to order our damn donuts and leave. He kept going and sort of leaned towards me and added "I think that's a sign you should try something else" as if he was cluing me into the fact that I was failing miserably at hetero femininity. That just made me feel awful and at that point nobody at all knew what to do. I kept shuffling around and avoiding his face but I knew I was blushing and I knew he was trying to get me to look at him. It seemed to last forever and the awkward feeling wouldn't relent. Finally, we ordered (and I felt so shitty even having to ask this asshole to get me anything after he had made me feel like such shit.) As he was getting my friend's coffee, he hollered back at us "Wait a minute, maybe you are a guy?!", but not in a legitimate way, in a mocking way. He knew I was female and he didn't think I was trying to express anything other than femininity. I was really into the idea of leaving that damn Dunkin Donuts at this point. He said some more shit about being confused and got our donuts and made more fun of us for requesting a shared bag, that we were tree-huggers or some such thing, "those kinds of people". He was obviously really fucked up in numerous ways, because when we gave him the money, and the cash register drawer swung out, he "oofed" and mocked as if it had smacked him in the nuts. What a fucking jerk off. Then he proceeded to ask us what we were doing that night. We left. We got in the car and I just slunk into the seat, I felt sooooo fucking embarrassed, for me and my friends. I felt really shitty that they had witnessed that and felt as powerless as me. I felt like shit and we went to the library at Amherst to get my books and I certainly did not feel like being in public. I didn't want anyone to see me, I wanted to be flat, 2-D so no one would notice me at all. Then I went home and totally lost it and cried for a while.
Yeah, he was a jerk and I should just let it go.
I can't. His words really fucking hurt and came at the worst possible time. If you have been reading my journal of late, you'll notice I have been considering trying to live in an unaltered body, as a technical woman, as a masculine one. Yesterday I even wrote about how I was beginning to feel really sexy about that, how I even felt pretty attractive yesterday. Yeah, not so much. This guy made me feel completely ugly and disgusting and undesirable and failing. Not just because I wasn't feminine enough, but because my gender was indeterminate. Now that is embarrassing. To a lot of people, its the most scary and unattractive thing ever.
I think a lot of trannies get the reputation of being vain (and I certainly know that I have one), but I think its important to consider where that comes from and what the past relationships to our bodies, self esteem and other shit that is going on. Its taken me a lot to shake off the shit I experienced when I was younger, being told I was a "dog" (the preferred nomenclature for an ugly girl in elementary school), etc. I am well aware of the massive amounts of self-loathing and butchphobia I've got going on. My self-esteem and self-perception rests tenuously on a brief history and a faith that I am not the ugliest thing under the sun. My shit just got undercut hardcore, and its important to remember that I live in a bubble where people aren't thinking these things (or at least aren't voicing them directly to my face). It was an unpleasant reality check, but not without merit.
I feel as if I will be slinking around for a while, a little more self-conscious of the "psychic space" I am taking up and how it is being read. I'm aware of how big my gender is, and lately I have not been caring what that does to other people, but I feel like I can't help but be a little afraid now. Nothing like this has happened to me in a long time. I actually can't remember the last time my gender was made a public spectacle...maybe that time at the movies when my ticket stub was handed back to me and the woman was like "here you go sir?...ma'am....whatever!". I certainly did not feel the same way then as I do now, and I haven't felt like this since grade school or middle school.
I know this is nothing compared to the other sorts of gender violence people experience, some on a way more frequent basis. I'm not trying to whine about this, I feel very lucky in fact that its not an issue for the most part. The point of this wasn't to bitch and tell my story but more to explore the reasons why this hurts and explore whether or not this will push me in any direction. I must say I feel tempted, but also so riled up and ready to barrel into life as an "ugly girl" in defiance of Dunkin' Donuts Asshole (I am calling his supervisor today to voice a complaint about his general behavior).
I am gonna end this here because it is waaay longer than I intended anyway. Maybe I'll add more thoughts on it later as they come up. I also have a really great experience/story about having indeterminate gender that I had forgotten about but cheers me up a little...maybe I'll write it out.