IFS: Check-In with Frances, Depressed Teenager
I first met Frances in a very intensive dream many years ago. I realized intuitively what and who she was. I was mild to extremely depressed from age 13 to 18, and turned "goth" before it was a thing, wearing only black clothes and seeing only the bleak and unfair side of life. I actually had the pen name of Frances for a few years back then.
Frances is the embodiment of that time and my feelings back then. She appeared as the actress Azura Skye, only with black hair, as she has in the move 28 Days (with Sandra Bullock). I empathized with her immediately. She's since appeared in a dream where another aspect was torturing her by pouring acid on her face! I realized the blotchy skin pattern resembled the anxiety hives I get sometimes during panic attacks. So I'm pretty sure she's connected to that as well.
I've yet to have a dialogue with her though, and want to start that now.
Me: Hey, Frances, will you come up and speak with me for a while? It's been a long time since we talked.
Frances: *mopey girl in droopy black dress walks into mental room and falls into a heap on the floor* Hey...
Me: Hi. I know you're being triggered easily lately. There's been some serious depression oozing up from the depths. How are you?
Frances: Not so good... *long pause*
Me: I need you to be more specific. I'm trying to bolster our defenses and do some healing work. I know you really need help right now, and I want to offer it to you as best I can.
Frances: It's just... *bites lip* It's just that no matter what we do, it seems like we always end up back where we started. I don't know why we bother with anything. What's the point? I know I'm whining. I whine a lot...
Me: It's okay. You feel my pain. You get to be the one to express it. I told Crybaby that she was brave for holding and releasing my fear and pain, because that's better than being a monster who creates pain.
Frances: Yeah, she told me.
Me: Who, Crybaby?
Frances: She likes to be called Rain.
Me: Ok. My bad. But my point is that the message applies to you as well. You're sad when the rest of us get overwhelmed. and I wanted to talk to you about that.
Frances: What's there to talk about?
Me: Well, you're always around, but lately, I'm blending with you a LOT. The things that triggered you seemed to be related to Cat always nitpicking and talking negatively. We went into a tail-spin over that...
Frances: *shakes head, staring at ground* She just wouldn't STOP! I don't need to be constantly reminded of how shitty life is! Like I don't already know it? *starts crying* And here we're trying to start a new life and it's the same damned thing! More bitching and moaning. Just like with Gerick! I'm tired of it! I'm sick of it!
Me: *note- I'm impressed with myself that I am NOT blending and crying with her* Yeah, I know! I was right there with you. I'm talking to Cat about her negativity, don't worry. We asked and asked Gerick and he never really tried to be more positive. Cat might actually care enough to try. So don't give up just yet.
Frances: I feel... lonely. Disconnected. Like I'll never have love in my life again. Maybe I never had it to begin with... I don't have that-- whatever it is-- THING that makes people think I'm special enough to work for, or with, or whatever...
Me: Okay, sweetie, that's not true. We've had amazing people step up to lend us a hand, or money! And while that hasn't been the lifelong pattern, it's a newer one in the last few years that should give us all some real hope. There ARE people who care, and who care about us. I think you're a bit too stuck in the past patterns of our teen years, when we were truly stuck without any help.
Frances: Yeah, maybe... I guess I'm just tired...
Me: Hey, there is a lot of THAT going around! You aren't the only aspect that is fried crispy. Depression and spiritual exhaustion can run hand in hand.
Frances: I guess so.
Me: Hey, that dream where a Ray poured acid on you...? How are you on that front? What happened?
Frances: Oh-- that. There are some Rays who hate me. I'm stupid and boring and I bring everyone down and make it hard to get anything done. You know... but they stopped doing that stuff to me after you started siding with the Shadows. *smiles* It was pretty funny, actually. The Rays were all freaking out there for a couple of years!
Me: Yeah, I kind of went after them to protect the Shadows, but I later realized I have to support them to heal instead of attacking them.
Frances: *nods* They've calmed down now. But I think they're all too scared to fuck with me. So, thanks for that, I guess.
Me: You're very welcome.
Frances: I'm sorry I'm like this... *gestures at herself*
Me: No, don't be. You came by your grim outlook fair and square. Life shit on you, you gave up on life. Somebody has to acknowledge that tough shit.
Frances: Thanks.
Me: No problem. Is there anything you need or need to tell me?
Frances: Yes. I want you to let me just cry sometimes. Like, don't let the Rays try to shame me out of it or whatever.
Me: I've already been working on that. I mean, when I feel a good cry coming on, I've been going to a quiet place and letting it all come out.
Frances: Okay, sure. But you want to "get rid of" your depression, right? That means you want to get rid of me, too!
Me: Uh, negative on that. See, I want to treat my depression because it's dangerous for us. When it hits, it slides down to Suicide Town WAY too quickly and easily. That's not to get rid of YOU per se.
Frances: Feels like it.
Me: I don't think you should think of a depressive state as an opportunity to arise or something. You're a part of me regardless. Someday, I'd like you to transform and find a new job. You don't always have to be sad.
Frances: I don't always want to be sad, so I guess that's okay.
Me: But we'll take this a step at a time and work it out. No rush. I just want you to know I intend to do more to help. And I support your tears. If you're in a bad mood and it comes up? I'll let it out. Anything else that you need help with right now or in the near future?
Frances: Can you wear more black sometimes? Just for old time's sake?
Me: Um... sure... I have black stuff. I've been wearing a lot of PJs while I flare or when I feel totally unmotivated, but I can make more of an effort on that end.
Frances: Okay. I can't think of anything else right now. Thanks for talking to me.
Me: You're welcome.
END SESSION.
Frances is the embodiment of that time and my feelings back then. She appeared as the actress Azura Skye, only with black hair, as she has in the move 28 Days (with Sandra Bullock). I empathized with her immediately. She's since appeared in a dream where another aspect was torturing her by pouring acid on her face! I realized the blotchy skin pattern resembled the anxiety hives I get sometimes during panic attacks. So I'm pretty sure she's connected to that as well.
I've yet to have a dialogue with her though, and want to start that now.
Me: Hey, Frances, will you come up and speak with me for a while? It's been a long time since we talked.
Frances: *mopey girl in droopy black dress walks into mental room and falls into a heap on the floor* Hey...
Me: Hi. I know you're being triggered easily lately. There's been some serious depression oozing up from the depths. How are you?
Frances: Not so good... *long pause*
Me: I need you to be more specific. I'm trying to bolster our defenses and do some healing work. I know you really need help right now, and I want to offer it to you as best I can.
Frances: It's just... *bites lip* It's just that no matter what we do, it seems like we always end up back where we started. I don't know why we bother with anything. What's the point? I know I'm whining. I whine a lot...
Me: It's okay. You feel my pain. You get to be the one to express it. I told Crybaby that she was brave for holding and releasing my fear and pain, because that's better than being a monster who creates pain.
Frances: Yeah, she told me.
Me: Who, Crybaby?
Frances: She likes to be called Rain.
Me: Ok. My bad. But my point is that the message applies to you as well. You're sad when the rest of us get overwhelmed. and I wanted to talk to you about that.
Frances: What's there to talk about?
Me: Well, you're always around, but lately, I'm blending with you a LOT. The things that triggered you seemed to be related to Cat always nitpicking and talking negatively. We went into a tail-spin over that...
Frances: *shakes head, staring at ground* She just wouldn't STOP! I don't need to be constantly reminded of how shitty life is! Like I don't already know it? *starts crying* And here we're trying to start a new life and it's the same damned thing! More bitching and moaning. Just like with Gerick! I'm tired of it! I'm sick of it!
Me: *note- I'm impressed with myself that I am NOT blending and crying with her* Yeah, I know! I was right there with you. I'm talking to Cat about her negativity, don't worry. We asked and asked Gerick and he never really tried to be more positive. Cat might actually care enough to try. So don't give up just yet.
Frances: I feel... lonely. Disconnected. Like I'll never have love in my life again. Maybe I never had it to begin with... I don't have that-- whatever it is-- THING that makes people think I'm special enough to work for, or with, or whatever...
Me: Okay, sweetie, that's not true. We've had amazing people step up to lend us a hand, or money! And while that hasn't been the lifelong pattern, it's a newer one in the last few years that should give us all some real hope. There ARE people who care, and who care about us. I think you're a bit too stuck in the past patterns of our teen years, when we were truly stuck without any help.
Frances: Yeah, maybe... I guess I'm just tired...
Me: Hey, there is a lot of THAT going around! You aren't the only aspect that is fried crispy. Depression and spiritual exhaustion can run hand in hand.
Frances: I guess so.
Me: Hey, that dream where a Ray poured acid on you...? How are you on that front? What happened?
Frances: Oh-- that. There are some Rays who hate me. I'm stupid and boring and I bring everyone down and make it hard to get anything done. You know... but they stopped doing that stuff to me after you started siding with the Shadows. *smiles* It was pretty funny, actually. The Rays were all freaking out there for a couple of years!
Me: Yeah, I kind of went after them to protect the Shadows, but I later realized I have to support them to heal instead of attacking them.
Frances: *nods* They've calmed down now. But I think they're all too scared to fuck with me. So, thanks for that, I guess.
Me: You're very welcome.
Frances: I'm sorry I'm like this... *gestures at herself*
Me: No, don't be. You came by your grim outlook fair and square. Life shit on you, you gave up on life. Somebody has to acknowledge that tough shit.
Frances: Thanks.
Me: No problem. Is there anything you need or need to tell me?
Frances: Yes. I want you to let me just cry sometimes. Like, don't let the Rays try to shame me out of it or whatever.
Me: I've already been working on that. I mean, when I feel a good cry coming on, I've been going to a quiet place and letting it all come out.
Frances: Okay, sure. But you want to "get rid of" your depression, right? That means you want to get rid of me, too!
Me: Uh, negative on that. See, I want to treat my depression because it's dangerous for us. When it hits, it slides down to Suicide Town WAY too quickly and easily. That's not to get rid of YOU per se.
Frances: Feels like it.
Me: I don't think you should think of a depressive state as an opportunity to arise or something. You're a part of me regardless. Someday, I'd like you to transform and find a new job. You don't always have to be sad.
Frances: I don't always want to be sad, so I guess that's okay.
Me: But we'll take this a step at a time and work it out. No rush. I just want you to know I intend to do more to help. And I support your tears. If you're in a bad mood and it comes up? I'll let it out. Anything else that you need help with right now or in the near future?
Frances: Can you wear more black sometimes? Just for old time's sake?
Me: Um... sure... I have black stuff. I've been wearing a lot of PJs while I flare or when I feel totally unmotivated, but I can make more of an effort on that end.
Frances: Okay. I can't think of anything else right now. Thanks for talking to me.
Me: You're welcome.
END SESSION.