Struggling With Anxiety & Depression Again
I am such a habitual writer that when I can't keep up within a week of current, you can pretty much tell something is going wrong. Every single time I started missing days upon days for weeks in this blog in the past, you can bet I was either in the middle of moving (but even THAT would maybe be at most a week or two) OR starting to slide into a depression.
And... you may have noticed that this last month or so, I've not been writing as much. I just don't have the umph in me to do it lately. There are a number of reasons for that, but-- as I said above, that old bug-a-boo, depression, is beginning to shadow my soul. I have episodic depression that is brought about by 2 things:
1. A prolonged crisis that I can't escape from...
OR
2. A period of calm after a prolonged crisis where it seems 'safe' to fall apart.
Though I don't suffer from the chronic thing, I slide so far and so quickly into self-harm and suicidal ideation (even obsession) that I have learned in my adulthood to recognize and address things quickly. My divorce was my last smackdown. It seems that holding shit together through moving in with new people (that I've known over 30 years, but still--! SCARY!) then helping Cat and Sharn with their house and Sharn's illness and death and THEN moving again and getting settled and getting another roommate and... and...
... and then Cat went off Zoloft and became a moody bitch. A few weeks of this after I reach my limit of resilience and...
POP!
Too much! Just too much and --- S L I D E back down I went, while simultaneously ratcheting up the anxiety to tweaky levels once more! FUN! Two forms of suffering for the price of one! Yippee!
So-- that is why I'm so behind on my writing. I'm making a few quick notes so I can catch up a little, and the rest of the days I'm doing IFS therapy. It's hard right now, as we have guests both this week and next, but I think that socializing with different people will be good for me, so no real complaints there.
I'm still here. I'm just struggling.
And... you may have noticed that this last month or so, I've not been writing as much. I just don't have the umph in me to do it lately. There are a number of reasons for that, but-- as I said above, that old bug-a-boo, depression, is beginning to shadow my soul. I have episodic depression that is brought about by 2 things:
1. A prolonged crisis that I can't escape from...
OR
2. A period of calm after a prolonged crisis where it seems 'safe' to fall apart.
Though I don't suffer from the chronic thing, I slide so far and so quickly into self-harm and suicidal ideation (even obsession) that I have learned in my adulthood to recognize and address things quickly. My divorce was my last smackdown. It seems that holding shit together through moving in with new people (that I've known over 30 years, but still--! SCARY!) then helping Cat and Sharn with their house and Sharn's illness and death and THEN moving again and getting settled and getting another roommate and... and...
... and then Cat went off Zoloft and became a moody bitch. A few weeks of this after I reach my limit of resilience and...
POP!
Too much! Just too much and --- S L I D E back down I went, while simultaneously ratcheting up the anxiety to tweaky levels once more! FUN! Two forms of suffering for the price of one! Yippee!
So-- that is why I'm so behind on my writing. I'm making a few quick notes so I can catch up a little, and the rest of the days I'm doing IFS therapy. It's hard right now, as we have guests both this week and next, but I think that socializing with different people will be good for me, so no real complaints there.
I'm still here. I'm just struggling.