IFS Exercises: Contacting Bitterwitch
Today I'm going to have a dialog with the Aspect that communicated to me that her name is Bitterwitch a couple of days ago. I saw that a character from a movie very well mirrored the attitude and behavior of this aspect. In the movie, a beautiful, strong, but sour woman, ends up in prison for poisoning her lover. The character was intelligent and confident, indeed felt superior to most people, and believed others were envious of her for her gifts. She's tough, because she's had to be- life handed her a crap deal and she resented the HELL out of that reality! Over time, she became embittered and cynical-- until one day she struck back in a very unhealthy way.
That characterization very well fits the aspect who is, for now, called "Bitterwitch."
I've come to understand that the side of me who gets self-righteous, judgmental, and hair-trigger defensive is this particular Ray. She seems to stand guard to keep another part of me, a vulnerable Shadow, from acting out in front of people and losing us respect from, and power in dealing with, others. Crybaby is the one she guards, but she is not always successful. When I am overwhelmed, and I go into "anxiety attack" mode, it is Crybaby who comes forward. (Crybaby will be addressed more in a future dialog. A different aspect, a 'freaker,' is who comes forward when I have a full-on panic attack, and that will also be addressed later.)
Now that I've identified this particular Ray, I realize that she is a very commonly triggered aspect. Interestingly, this part of me was actually a lot more active when I was in my teens and early 20s, when I was really struggling with Avoidant Personality Disorder and Social Phobia. Bitterwitch was almost a sort of over-compensation for feelings of inadequacy and weakness. She's mellowed and matured over the years, but she can still switch on into overdrive sometimes, especially lately after my recent life changes!
One thing that stands out that she said through me in the restaurant was, "Don't challenge me!" She just wants to cut people off from bringing her (and the rest of us) any trouble. She's impatient about dealing with stupidity, and brutal about dealing with threats.
Though a very common and up front Ray, I had not made contact with her in a fully conscious way until the last couple of days, so this is an important dialog! I need to remember to be open and curious, not judgmental (that's her job! ha ha!) Because she blends with me so easily, I'm going to imagine her in a visiting room, like in a prison-- similar to the pic above!-- and we will talk on the phone and watch each other through the glass. I'm not doing this because I think she's really dangerous, though. Its just to try to keep a separation.
~ As imagined ~
SELF: *gives BW paper with above words on it, lets her read it over, then asks* Bitterwitch, would you say my assessment of you is accurate? If not, I'd like to hear what you think and feel. I was trying to find a starting point for understanding you, not trying to devalue you. I'm feeling very aware of what work you do for me, actually.
BITTERWITCH: *she looks words over, evaluating, then picks up the phone, pursing her lips and raising one skeptical eyebrow* Yeah. Its fair. *shrugs* I do what I have to do to keep everything from falling the fuck apart.
SELF: I can totally see that! You're a defense against all the attacks upon my self-esteem and ability to handle conflict. Right?
BITTERWITCH: *nods* Yep. *sighs tiredly* I am just so fucking sick of every goddamned person in the world coming after us! Everyone wants to bring us down to their level and then stomp us down even more. And I fucking hate people for that!
SELF: As well you should! So what activates you are both actual potential attacks from others and imagined ones, as you like to prepare and practice ahead of time to make yourself more ready. Yes?
BITTERWITCH: Yeah, but you already know that. What's the next question?
SELF: So your positive intent is to keep parts of me, like Crybaby, from being hurt and falling apart.
BITTERWITCH: I want to avoid humiliation. I'm sick of being put down and LOSING all the fucking time! Its pathetic! I mean, we're a good person, we're smart, we've got some talents, some insights, and STILL WE FAIL! So I try to reduce the failure rate. I try to up the self-esteem quotient. I try to man the verbal battleships.
SELF: So here's a question- Are you wanting a conflict, or to avoid one? I'm getting mixed signals.
BITTERWITCH: Well, first I try to cut hostiles off at the pass to avoid a conflict. But then if they won't relent, I get ready to go to the trenches. Metaphorically speaking of course. So both.
SELF: Okay, I get it now. So you're protecting me from succumbing to the belief I don't deserve better treatment, it seems like. As well as practically in the moment standing up for me to others.
BITTERWITCH: *does pointy-gun gesture and fires the trigger* You got it. *starts smiling a little playfully* What's next?
SELF: *smiles back* So I'm supposed to ask you how you feel taking on this herculean task? It seems like a huge job, and you really are on the ball with this stuff. I really admire how alert you are, and how dedicated. But how do you feel about it?
BITTERWITCH: How do I feel about it..? *looks around the room, takes a breath, then shakes her head* Its-- a job. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? Someone's got to step up and try to keep things together!
SELF: But if you didn't have to do that job, what would you do instead?
BITTERWITCH: *looks bemused* I don't know. Retire to the Gulf Coast? Okay okay... I guess I would want to have fun more, smile more, all that gooey-fluff crap people like to go on about... Just enjoy being tremendously cool?! *one-sided smile* Look, its sweet to be all looking out for me, but I don't think I can just quit. You need me.
SELF: Oh, I'm not denying that, just trying to learn more about you. I'm bringing up the potential of a partnership. I'm hoping to be your back up, so you're not doing this all alone.
BITTERWITCH: You already do that. You've been partnering with me for a long time.
SELF: Okay, but would you say its fair to observe that your methods don't always work the way you want them to-? Last time at the diner is a good example. Maybe I can help you find ways to be more productive and successful at your task.
BITTERWITCH: I'm open to suggestions. I just don't think anything's going to be easy. It never is.
SELF: Well, this talk is going pretty well so far! I don't have any objections about you feeling confident and having self-esteem and standing up for me. Just so you know, I think those are good and worthwhile goals and I support you. I think my only concern is when you go too far and insult my friends or act overly critical. I get where it comes from and why, I just don't want you to be so... overwhelmed that you strike out in frustration. I would like to relieve some of that pressure so you could do more productive and pleasurable things.
BITTERWITCH: Darling, frustration is my stock in trade! Its my middle name! Life offers obstacles and I get frustrated! I guess that's where my anger comes from-- and my bitterness. You want to do therapy? Well, here you go! Life isn't fair, and I have to deal with that. And I don't want to... *starts to cry*
SELF: *I reach out to put a hand on the glass in support, and I am tearing up in empathy* I'm sorry. You're right. Life can SUCK. The one that 'takes it' is Crybaby. And it hurts for you to see her hurt.
BITTERWITCH: Yeah, unlike the character in the movie, I am not bewildered by suffering. I am next to it every damned day.
SELF: I appreciate that you are so stalwart in your defense of that vulnerable part of me. I'm sorry you are so frustrated. I really feel I can understand what you're saying here, and your emotions regarding those words and thoughts. And yes, I want to do therapy for you. I can't stop the world from being difficult to negotiate, or some people from being asses, but I can offer you more support.
BITTERWITCH: I don't want to be cynical, but-- too late!
SELF: You're skeptical of my ability to help you. Yes?
BITTERWITCH: Yes. Sorry kid!
SELF: I just realized... If you hit the tag, "Rants" in my journal, all the posts found under that tag were written by YOU! LOL! That is a certain frame of mind I get in-- and it was you all the time!
BITTERWITCH: Nice to see you catch on. I told you we've been 'partnering' for a while. Now you can see what I mean. I go up to bat for us. I shovel the shit for us. I pontificate!
SELF: Whereas I and others ruminate!
BITTERWITCH: *nods and smiles* What can I say? I love a good lecture!
SELF: I've noticed! You're my built-in Advocate! I know I definitely lean on you!
So-- switching gears, I intend to talk to Crybaby later this week, and I wanted to talk to you about your relationship with her. It seems like you lose your ability to keep your composure when Crybaby comes forward. Its like you try to stuff her into the background, but when she comes up you just...
BITTERWITCH: ... put up my hands like, "Well, shit!"? That's true enough. I don't want her to invite more abuse, which, as you know, for some sadistic and selfish people, any sign of softness is an invitation! She's been through enough, but she's got some serious reactionary power.
SELF: I know! I was wondering if you would be interested in maybe spending some time nurturing her, showing her how to feel strong, instead of just doing it for her all the time.
BITTERWITCH: I'm not quite sure that would work, but I'm up for trying anything that can prevent her from falling apart publicly.
SELF: Excellent! Thank you. I look forward to working with you on that.
Next subject-- Rottenred. I'm pretty sure you're the one who hates him and really stood up to him and just wanted to reject him outright. True?
BITTERWITCH: True. I know what you've been learning regarding accepting all your parts, but that guy just... I mean, I listened to your real father the first time around, why would I want to keep listening to him long after he's dead!? Its insane! He just keeps beating the same old berating drum! Gods I detest him!
SELF: I understand perfectly. We don't want to keep fighting the same old negative messages. That doesn't help us to be strong and confident and safe at all. Maybe once, when we lived with my father, who was dangerous, but not anymore. Its an old program that needs a new one to replace it.
I intend to discuss this issue with Rottenred directly. Maybe help steer him towards a more functional and uplifting role. Can I count on you to allow me to do my work without editorial commentary?
BITTERWITCH: *she waves a hand dismissively* Yeah, sure. I'm up for trying ANYthing to make it stop. Talk about my never-ending job? Learning to push back despite Rottenred's best efforts is a huge part of why I exist to begin with! If he backs down, I can back down. And I would love to back down a little.
SELF: That makes sense to me. I shall be sure to let him know that you'll pull back on the judging of him to help allow him space to shift his focus. I'm betting he's not happy with all the Ray condemnation we did for years.
BITTERWITCH: I'm sure he isn't! But I'll be a good girl and stay out of your way.
SELF: That's interesting. I feel like I can tell he's starting to listen in on our conversation. He's wondering what I'm going to do when I contact him.
I feel like we're at a natural stopping point. I'm glad we had this talk, and I intend to keep working with you in the future. Especially to help Crybaby. I'm feeling that you're okay with that, and I'm grateful.
BITTERWITCH: No problem. Maybe next time I can come out from this room, eh?
SELF: Sure thing!
*We hang up our phones. When Bitterwitch arises, she gives me a 'Namaste' hands together bow*
END SESSION.
That characterization very well fits the aspect who is, for now, called "Bitterwitch."
I've come to understand that the side of me who gets self-righteous, judgmental, and hair-trigger defensive is this particular Ray. She seems to stand guard to keep another part of me, a vulnerable Shadow, from acting out in front of people and losing us respect from, and power in dealing with, others. Crybaby is the one she guards, but she is not always successful. When I am overwhelmed, and I go into "anxiety attack" mode, it is Crybaby who comes forward. (Crybaby will be addressed more in a future dialog. A different aspect, a 'freaker,' is who comes forward when I have a full-on panic attack, and that will also be addressed later.)
Now that I've identified this particular Ray, I realize that she is a very commonly triggered aspect. Interestingly, this part of me was actually a lot more active when I was in my teens and early 20s, when I was really struggling with Avoidant Personality Disorder and Social Phobia. Bitterwitch was almost a sort of over-compensation for feelings of inadequacy and weakness. She's mellowed and matured over the years, but she can still switch on into overdrive sometimes, especially lately after my recent life changes!
One thing that stands out that she said through me in the restaurant was, "Don't challenge me!" She just wants to cut people off from bringing her (and the rest of us) any trouble. She's impatient about dealing with stupidity, and brutal about dealing with threats.
Though a very common and up front Ray, I had not made contact with her in a fully conscious way until the last couple of days, so this is an important dialog! I need to remember to be open and curious, not judgmental (that's her job! ha ha!) Because she blends with me so easily, I'm going to imagine her in a visiting room, like in a prison-- similar to the pic above!-- and we will talk on the phone and watch each other through the glass. I'm not doing this because I think she's really dangerous, though. Its just to try to keep a separation.
~ As imagined ~
SELF: *gives BW paper with above words on it, lets her read it over, then asks* Bitterwitch, would you say my assessment of you is accurate? If not, I'd like to hear what you think and feel. I was trying to find a starting point for understanding you, not trying to devalue you. I'm feeling very aware of what work you do for me, actually.
BITTERWITCH: *she looks words over, evaluating, then picks up the phone, pursing her lips and raising one skeptical eyebrow* Yeah. Its fair. *shrugs* I do what I have to do to keep everything from falling the fuck apart.
SELF: I can totally see that! You're a defense against all the attacks upon my self-esteem and ability to handle conflict. Right?
BITTERWITCH: *nods* Yep. *sighs tiredly* I am just so fucking sick of every goddamned person in the world coming after us! Everyone wants to bring us down to their level and then stomp us down even more. And I fucking hate people for that!
SELF: As well you should! So what activates you are both actual potential attacks from others and imagined ones, as you like to prepare and practice ahead of time to make yourself more ready. Yes?
BITTERWITCH: Yeah, but you already know that. What's the next question?
SELF: So your positive intent is to keep parts of me, like Crybaby, from being hurt and falling apart.
BITTERWITCH: I want to avoid humiliation. I'm sick of being put down and LOSING all the fucking time! Its pathetic! I mean, we're a good person, we're smart, we've got some talents, some insights, and STILL WE FAIL! So I try to reduce the failure rate. I try to up the self-esteem quotient. I try to man the verbal battleships.
SELF: So here's a question- Are you wanting a conflict, or to avoid one? I'm getting mixed signals.
BITTERWITCH: Well, first I try to cut hostiles off at the pass to avoid a conflict. But then if they won't relent, I get ready to go to the trenches. Metaphorically speaking of course. So both.
SELF: Okay, I get it now. So you're protecting me from succumbing to the belief I don't deserve better treatment, it seems like. As well as practically in the moment standing up for me to others.
BITTERWITCH: *does pointy-gun gesture and fires the trigger* You got it. *starts smiling a little playfully* What's next?
SELF: *smiles back* So I'm supposed to ask you how you feel taking on this herculean task? It seems like a huge job, and you really are on the ball with this stuff. I really admire how alert you are, and how dedicated. But how do you feel about it?
BITTERWITCH: How do I feel about it..? *looks around the room, takes a breath, then shakes her head* Its-- a job. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? Someone's got to step up and try to keep things together!
SELF: But if you didn't have to do that job, what would you do instead?
BITTERWITCH: *looks bemused* I don't know. Retire to the Gulf Coast? Okay okay... I guess I would want to have fun more, smile more, all that gooey-fluff crap people like to go on about... Just enjoy being tremendously cool?! *one-sided smile* Look, its sweet to be all looking out for me, but I don't think I can just quit. You need me.
SELF: Oh, I'm not denying that, just trying to learn more about you. I'm bringing up the potential of a partnership. I'm hoping to be your back up, so you're not doing this all alone.
BITTERWITCH: You already do that. You've been partnering with me for a long time.
SELF: Okay, but would you say its fair to observe that your methods don't always work the way you want them to-? Last time at the diner is a good example. Maybe I can help you find ways to be more productive and successful at your task.
BITTERWITCH: I'm open to suggestions. I just don't think anything's going to be easy. It never is.
SELF: Well, this talk is going pretty well so far! I don't have any objections about you feeling confident and having self-esteem and standing up for me. Just so you know, I think those are good and worthwhile goals and I support you. I think my only concern is when you go too far and insult my friends or act overly critical. I get where it comes from and why, I just don't want you to be so... overwhelmed that you strike out in frustration. I would like to relieve some of that pressure so you could do more productive and pleasurable things.
BITTERWITCH: Darling, frustration is my stock in trade! Its my middle name! Life offers obstacles and I get frustrated! I guess that's where my anger comes from-- and my bitterness. You want to do therapy? Well, here you go! Life isn't fair, and I have to deal with that. And I don't want to... *starts to cry*
SELF: *I reach out to put a hand on the glass in support, and I am tearing up in empathy* I'm sorry. You're right. Life can SUCK. The one that 'takes it' is Crybaby. And it hurts for you to see her hurt.
BITTERWITCH: Yeah, unlike the character in the movie, I am not bewildered by suffering. I am next to it every damned day.
SELF: I appreciate that you are so stalwart in your defense of that vulnerable part of me. I'm sorry you are so frustrated. I really feel I can understand what you're saying here, and your emotions regarding those words and thoughts. And yes, I want to do therapy for you. I can't stop the world from being difficult to negotiate, or some people from being asses, but I can offer you more support.
BITTERWITCH: I don't want to be cynical, but-- too late!
SELF: You're skeptical of my ability to help you. Yes?
BITTERWITCH: Yes. Sorry kid!
SELF: I just realized... If you hit the tag, "Rants" in my journal, all the posts found under that tag were written by YOU! LOL! That is a certain frame of mind I get in-- and it was you all the time!
BITTERWITCH: Nice to see you catch on. I told you we've been 'partnering' for a while. Now you can see what I mean. I go up to bat for us. I shovel the shit for us. I pontificate!
SELF: Whereas I and others ruminate!
BITTERWITCH: *nods and smiles* What can I say? I love a good lecture!
SELF: I've noticed! You're my built-in Advocate! I know I definitely lean on you!
So-- switching gears, I intend to talk to Crybaby later this week, and I wanted to talk to you about your relationship with her. It seems like you lose your ability to keep your composure when Crybaby comes forward. Its like you try to stuff her into the background, but when she comes up you just...
BITTERWITCH: ... put up my hands like, "Well, shit!"? That's true enough. I don't want her to invite more abuse, which, as you know, for some sadistic and selfish people, any sign of softness is an invitation! She's been through enough, but she's got some serious reactionary power.
SELF: I know! I was wondering if you would be interested in maybe spending some time nurturing her, showing her how to feel strong, instead of just doing it for her all the time.
BITTERWITCH: I'm not quite sure that would work, but I'm up for trying anything that can prevent her from falling apart publicly.
SELF: Excellent! Thank you. I look forward to working with you on that.
Next subject-- Rottenred. I'm pretty sure you're the one who hates him and really stood up to him and just wanted to reject him outright. True?
BITTERWITCH: True. I know what you've been learning regarding accepting all your parts, but that guy just... I mean, I listened to your real father the first time around, why would I want to keep listening to him long after he's dead!? Its insane! He just keeps beating the same old berating drum! Gods I detest him!
SELF: I understand perfectly. We don't want to keep fighting the same old negative messages. That doesn't help us to be strong and confident and safe at all. Maybe once, when we lived with my father, who was dangerous, but not anymore. Its an old program that needs a new one to replace it.
I intend to discuss this issue with Rottenred directly. Maybe help steer him towards a more functional and uplifting role. Can I count on you to allow me to do my work without editorial commentary?
BITTERWITCH: *she waves a hand dismissively* Yeah, sure. I'm up for trying ANYthing to make it stop. Talk about my never-ending job? Learning to push back despite Rottenred's best efforts is a huge part of why I exist to begin with! If he backs down, I can back down. And I would love to back down a little.
SELF: That makes sense to me. I shall be sure to let him know that you'll pull back on the judging of him to help allow him space to shift his focus. I'm betting he's not happy with all the Ray condemnation we did for years.
BITTERWITCH: I'm sure he isn't! But I'll be a good girl and stay out of your way.
SELF: That's interesting. I feel like I can tell he's starting to listen in on our conversation. He's wondering what I'm going to do when I contact him.
I feel like we're at a natural stopping point. I'm glad we had this talk, and I intend to keep working with you in the future. Especially to help Crybaby. I'm feeling that you're okay with that, and I'm grateful.
BITTERWITCH: No problem. Maybe next time I can come out from this room, eh?
SELF: Sure thing!
*We hang up our phones. When Bitterwitch arises, she gives me a 'Namaste' hands together bow*
END SESSION.