Just A Kiss Goodnight (Lady Antebellum)
Reconciling the conflicts inside is always difficult. Your heart wants hope, while your head wants to find every single possible thing wrong and analyze it. That's why, whether its a job or a person or a major purchase, I have spent the last 5 years attempting to ignore both of them. Instead, I go with my gut. The problem is, sometimes what my instincts are telling me conflict with both my head and my heart. So then my head and my heart try to figure out what to do next; do they do what's normal for them (hope and overanalyze) or do they try to find ways to come around to what my instincts are saying?
My faith in God has strengthened exponentially since traveling down this new path in life. Because of that faith, when there is internal conflict I do my best to trust in Him. I have no idea what's going to happen next. Sometimes the things He has me go through I have no understanding of at all until the dust settles. What I do know, without any trace of doubt, is that whether it's a gift or a challenge, they are both set there intentionally to bless me and get me closer to being the woman He expects me to be. As you can imagine, though, if you know me at all - letting something else take control is very hard for me to do.
The other challenge recently is that I've always had a very personal and private relationship with God. I don't go to church because I don't believe that sitting inside a building is the best way to worship Him. I'd rather spend my Sundays in service to others, and find ways to praise Him every day, because I believe that's what He would want. I don't tend to go around talking about my faith. Instead, I use fairly generalized statements like, "It is what it is," or "If it's meant to be, it will be." God has really called me on the carpet for that recently. Rizzoli has recruited me to be part of a prayer team at our department, because the one thing that everyone in that place really needs is some faith. It's a dark place, where we're constantly dealing with the worst in people, bad situations, and are generally distrustful. It's the nature of the job, unfortunately. Lately, though, a group of believers has recognized this, and is trying to bring more light into it. Now, as a member of a prayer team, I have to start talking about my faith with others. I have to start saying the things that I've always thought out loud. I've also had to acknowledge that I let something in not too far back... something dark that was just pulling me down and keeping me from being the person I'm destined to be. (Rizzoli says it's "spiritual warfare." The more she described it, the more I recognized that I was, indeed, engaged in a battle that I didn't even know was underway.) Now I'm fighting that darkness, becoming more and more of what Paolo Coehlo calls a "Warrior of Light."
This has been tough. While I've grown to be a person who really doesn't give a thought to what other people think about me, talking about God and angels and demons is something totally different. When you talk about those things, the first thing people tend to think is that you're crazy. You've gotten too wrapped up in the spirit of the Bible Belt; you are watching too much Fox News. Throughout this process, I have realized that even I don't believe the same things that Rizzoli or our friend Madre believe... And they are not things that I am apt to change my mind on, like homosexuality or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What I do know, without any doubt, is that the closer I get to something good, the more things pop up that would normally make me feel downtrodden or defeated. My manager nitpicking everything I do at work. My ex-husband popping up out of nowhere and acting like we're all still one big happy family and wanting to take my mom to lunch. Having to stop at the fire station and ask my dad to borrow $10 because I got 15 miles from home without a drivers license, a checkbook, or a debit/credit card of any kind and my gas light was on because my tank was empty.
There is good, though... and an overwhelming amount of it. Meeting someone who makes me feel emotions that I was certain I'd never feel again (and some I've never felt before, which tends to scare the crap out of me if I think too much about it). Getting through two rounds with a major federal agency for a spot as a special agent. Finding out that my department has people in high places pushing to have another test specifically so that I may participate in it. Hearing my little sister, who has often said there is no God, ask me and Rizzoli to come bless the house because of something that's been tormenting her for a very long time. (Plus, she even took a student bible from Rizzoli. Miracles do exist, folks.) Making new friends and becoming even closer with old ones.
I woke up the other day and realized that I'm living again. I'm not drowning in ambition and frustration. I'm not overwhelmed by my busy schedule. I'm going to baseball games. I'm having movie night and learning how to cook from Wonder Woman. I'm watching football games with Doc. I'm spending 2 hours a day on my days off at boxing; sore, exhausted, and loving every minute of it. For the first time in my entire life, things are good and I feel no need to rush through them to get to what's next. I'm just enjoying today and looking forward to tomorrow. Like the song in my title for today says, "I don't want to mess this thing up. I don't want to push too far." I finally understand that I don't have to push or rush or drive myself crazy getting to some future happiness. My life is good now and it's only going to get better. Thank God. :)
My faith in God has strengthened exponentially since traveling down this new path in life. Because of that faith, when there is internal conflict I do my best to trust in Him. I have no idea what's going to happen next. Sometimes the things He has me go through I have no understanding of at all until the dust settles. What I do know, without any trace of doubt, is that whether it's a gift or a challenge, they are both set there intentionally to bless me and get me closer to being the woman He expects me to be. As you can imagine, though, if you know me at all - letting something else take control is very hard for me to do.
The other challenge recently is that I've always had a very personal and private relationship with God. I don't go to church because I don't believe that sitting inside a building is the best way to worship Him. I'd rather spend my Sundays in service to others, and find ways to praise Him every day, because I believe that's what He would want. I don't tend to go around talking about my faith. Instead, I use fairly generalized statements like, "It is what it is," or "If it's meant to be, it will be." God has really called me on the carpet for that recently. Rizzoli has recruited me to be part of a prayer team at our department, because the one thing that everyone in that place really needs is some faith. It's a dark place, where we're constantly dealing with the worst in people, bad situations, and are generally distrustful. It's the nature of the job, unfortunately. Lately, though, a group of believers has recognized this, and is trying to bring more light into it. Now, as a member of a prayer team, I have to start talking about my faith with others. I have to start saying the things that I've always thought out loud. I've also had to acknowledge that I let something in not too far back... something dark that was just pulling me down and keeping me from being the person I'm destined to be. (Rizzoli says it's "spiritual warfare." The more she described it, the more I recognized that I was, indeed, engaged in a battle that I didn't even know was underway.) Now I'm fighting that darkness, becoming more and more of what Paolo Coehlo calls a "Warrior of Light."
This has been tough. While I've grown to be a person who really doesn't give a thought to what other people think about me, talking about God and angels and demons is something totally different. When you talk about those things, the first thing people tend to think is that you're crazy. You've gotten too wrapped up in the spirit of the Bible Belt; you are watching too much Fox News. Throughout this process, I have realized that even I don't believe the same things that Rizzoli or our friend Madre believe... And they are not things that I am apt to change my mind on, like homosexuality or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. What I do know, without any doubt, is that the closer I get to something good, the more things pop up that would normally make me feel downtrodden or defeated. My manager nitpicking everything I do at work. My ex-husband popping up out of nowhere and acting like we're all still one big happy family and wanting to take my mom to lunch. Having to stop at the fire station and ask my dad to borrow $10 because I got 15 miles from home without a drivers license, a checkbook, or a debit/credit card of any kind and my gas light was on because my tank was empty.
There is good, though... and an overwhelming amount of it. Meeting someone who makes me feel emotions that I was certain I'd never feel again (and some I've never felt before, which tends to scare the crap out of me if I think too much about it). Getting through two rounds with a major federal agency for a spot as a special agent. Finding out that my department has people in high places pushing to have another test specifically so that I may participate in it. Hearing my little sister, who has often said there is no God, ask me and Rizzoli to come bless the house because of something that's been tormenting her for a very long time. (Plus, she even took a student bible from Rizzoli. Miracles do exist, folks.) Making new friends and becoming even closer with old ones.
I woke up the other day and realized that I'm living again. I'm not drowning in ambition and frustration. I'm not overwhelmed by my busy schedule. I'm going to baseball games. I'm having movie night and learning how to cook from Wonder Woman. I'm watching football games with Doc. I'm spending 2 hours a day on my days off at boxing; sore, exhausted, and loving every minute of it. For the first time in my entire life, things are good and I feel no need to rush through them to get to what's next. I'm just enjoying today and looking forward to tomorrow. Like the song in my title for today says, "I don't want to mess this thing up. I don't want to push too far." I finally understand that I don't have to push or rush or drive myself crazy getting to some future happiness. My life is good now and it's only going to get better. Thank God. :)