Never Alone Chapter 3: Doctor's Visit
Noah knocks on the door to office number 123. After a few, very long, seconds he hears a voice.
“Come in,” a high pitched woman’s voice calls out.
Noah sighs and opens the door. He quietly crosses the office and sits in one of the armchairs. He fiddles with his thumbs, hoping to get this over with as painlessly as possible.
“So Noah, how are things?” Dr. Elridge asks as she brings her chair around so that she is facing Noah.
“How do you think,” Noah growls softly.
“I don’t know. That’s why I asked you,” she calmly responds.
“I feel empty inside all the time. I keep seeing and hearing him everywhere. Yesterday night I was halfway through dialing his number before I remembered. I wanted to just be able to turn to him and tell him about my day and have him cuddle me in response, but I’ll never get that again.” Noah says on the verge of breaking down.
“Are you writing to him?” Dr. Elridge inquires as she writes on a yellow notepad.
“Yes,” Noah says staring sightlessly at the doctor’s blank computer screen.
“Does it help?” Dr. Elridge asks without seeming to think.
“Temporarily,” Noah mutters still not looking at Dr. Elridge.
“Noah, when do the helping effects of the letters wear off?” Dr. Elridge soothes.
“When I finish the letter,” Noah mumbles, “because it feels like he’s alive whenever I’m writing to him, but then when I sign out his presence dissipates.”
“So you feel like you’re actually talking to him when you write the letters?”
“Yeah,” Noah sighs, “Isn’t that the whole point of the exercise?”
“The point of the exercise is whatever you want it to be.” Dr. Elridge states as she watches Noah out of the corner of her eye.
“What else do you want to talk about,” Noah mumbles into his lap.
“Whatever you want to talk about, this is your therapy.” Dr. Elridge points out.
“I moved out of our apartment, temporarily.” Noah admits after a few minutes of silence passed between Doctor and patient.
“Where are you living now?” Dr. Elridge puts down her pen.
“My friend Casey Hughes is letting me stay with him. I just couldn’t handle all the reminders right now. It’s gotten to where I can’t sleep because his absence in bed beside me is so monumental,” says Noah as he finally turns his gaze to Dr. Elridge.
“That’s understandable. How do you think Luke would feel about this move?” Dr. Elridge prompts therapeutically.
“What does that matter? Luke is dead!” Noah vented his frustration with Dr. Elridge’s vague questions increasing.
“What if you were able to talk to Luke about moving out of your apartment?” Dr. Elridge proposes.
“Do you think I’d be moving out if Luke were still able to talk to me?” Noah spits vehemently.
“I don’t know Noah. Only you can answer that.” Dr. Elridge states.
“Don’t you ever give your opinion? Isn’t that part of your job: help me figure shit out?” Noah stands up and starts pacing agitatedly around the office.
“At this point you need to be able to open up and talk about some of your most personal feelings before I can start you on the path to recovery.” Dr. Elridge glances at the agitated Noah.
Noah stops his pacing and sits down. He is silent for a while. Dr. Elridge doesn’t say a word; she just calmly waits on Noah.
“He would tell me to do whatever it takes to get out of the funk I am in. However, he would add that I can’t date again for another 20 years.” Noah says numbly, but lets out a chuckle at the end of his statement.
“So you guys had discussed the idea of dying?” Dr. Elridge asks softly.
“Yeah, we talked about it all the time; especially after we were kidnapped.” Noah sighs.
“When were you kidnapped?” Dr. Elridge urges Noah to continue.
“A few years ago, some upset members of Luke’s father’s side of the family wanted Luke’s inheritance money. So they figured kidnapping me was their best bet.” Noah explains.
“How did your kidnapping make Luke feel?” Dr. Elridge asks in her full on therapist tone.
“At first he was upset because the kidnappers made me lie to him and tell him that I went away in order to get some space. Then when Damian, Luke’s biological father, went to where I was supposed to be and didn’t find me, Luke began to freak out.” Noah opens up to Dr. Elridge.
“So how did it come to be that you were both kidnapped?”
“Luke received the ransom note and set out to find me. When he did find me I tried telling him it was a trap but he was insistent on getting me out of there so he didn’t see the kidnappers come in and overpower him. Before we knew it the both of us were tied to a pole. We were unable to see each other properly.” Noah continues to recant his kidnapping tale.
“Noah, I must ask, how was it for you to know that Luke was with you but unable to be seen?” Dr. Elridge interrupts.
“It was torture. He kept saying he was fine but I knew he was lying to me. So when he asked me how I was, I didn’t want to upset him, I lied and said I was fine. However, Luke has a way of getting me to say things I normally wouldn’t. He soon found out I was tired, thirsty, and weak from being tied up.” Noah admits before falling silent.
“So you guys obviously got out alive, how did this ordeal change your relationship?” Dr. Elridge breaks the silence.
“We became closer because there is just something about being tied up with you boyfriend that changes a person. When we got out Luke was so protective of me and I of him. He constantly worried about my hurt shoulder and I constantly worried about the psychological damage Zoe must have given him.” Noah says more to himself than Dr. Elridge.
“What happened to your shoulder?”
“Zac and Zoe shot at me when we tried to escape. After that we were tied back to the pole and the kidnappers showed no mercy on my hurt arm. They still tied the rope extra tight. They didn’t even bother to staunch the bleeding. As I lost more and more blood Luke did everything in his power to keep me talking to him.” Noah explains, “He finally convinced Zoe to go and get me some medicine, but he had to do something for Zoe in return. He had to have sex with her; Luke was willing just to get me medicine. However, once I had gotten my medicine and I kept hearing her touching and caressing my boyfriend I lost it.”
“Lost it how?”
“I gathered up all the strength left in me and I wrestled Zoe off of him with my legs.” Noah admits.
“I’m sure Luke was grateful for that,” Dr. Elridge concludes.
“Actually he got mad at me for trying to be a hero.” Noah chuckles.
“So after you recovered from your gunshot wound how was your relationship changed?” Dr. Elridge picks up her pen again.
“Luke had a harder time letting me go on trips that would take me away from him because he was afraid I’d be kidnapped again or worse killed.” Noah sighs retrospectively.
“Did he eventually get over that?” Dr. Elridge leans back in her chair.
“Yeah he did, about a year ago. After that things got a lot better. Then the accident happened.” Noah mumbles as he puts his head in his hands.
“Well, Noah that was a very productive hour.” Dr. Elridge says as she stands up and places her notepad on her desk.
She sees Noah out of her office with a small smile. Noah went to his truck but he didn’t head back to Casey’s apartment. Instead he heads towards the edge of town. At the cemetery Noah pulls to the side of the road and walks into the small plot cluttered with neatly aligned headstones.
Noah keeps walking down the main pathway. He finally stops at the back of the cemetery. He kneels down at a fresh burial site. His hand runs over the small letters located on the dark granite headstone marking this newer grave.
Luciano “Luke” Eduardo Snyder
May 16, 1988 - September 7, 2011
Loving Son, Brother, and Boyfriend
"An Angel Given To Us For a Short Time"
Noah lies down on the fresh mound of dirt. He didn’t care that his nice clothes were getting dirty. He merely wanted to be closer to Luke’s body than he’d been since before the accident.
“Luke, I opened up to Dr. Elridge today, but why do I still feel like crap. I wish you were here. I need you so much it hurts. I hope you don’t mind that I moved out of our apartment temporarily. I just needed some time away from it all so that I could start to heal.” Noah mutters as he kisses the ground where he figures Luke’s head is located. Then Noah curls up and hugs the mound letting the tears from his eyes moisten the ground.
Noah doesn’t even mind when the skies let up and it begins to pour. He doesn’t care when the sun sinks below the horizon and the sky becomes dark. He only cared about being as close to Luke as he possibly could. It was a comfort he desperately needed. The moon is his only witness as he falls asleep on top of Luke’s gravesite.