Never Alone Chapter 2: Second Letter
September 22, 2011
My Dearest Luke-
Today was day 15 of waking up without you lying there beside me. I still get that feeling that you are still alive when I first wake up in the morning. Dr. Elridge told me that this feeling is perfectly normal. When I asked her when it goes away she just answered, "Only time will tell". When I finally do realize that you are dead the realization still hits my soul like a knife.
On a happier note, I finally decided to go back to work today. I called Kim Hughes first thing this morning and told her I was coming back. She was happy and acted as though the station was unable to function any longer without me. I personally think she was just trying to be nice. She must know how difficult going back to work is for me.
When I arrived at WOAK you will never guess who I ran into, Your mother! She looked like crap. I have a feeling she hasn't slept in days. Heck I have a hard time sleeping on occasion since you died. I keep having the nightmare where I have to relive the car accident and watching the life leave your eyes as you slipped away. A dream like that would cause anyone insomnia.
Well Lily was apparantly at the station just checking to make sure everything was going okay. She was like a robot going through the motions but not really caring about what she was doing. I can imagine she spends alot of her time locked in her room too.
You will never guess what I did when we acknowledged each other's presence. I handed her my therapists' card and told her that she was really helping me deal and that I thought she should take a chance with Dr. Elridge. Lily nodded her head in agreement, but I don't think she fully understood all that I said. After that we hugged and then she left.
Kim Hughes then came out and gave me a hug and told me how glad she was to have me back. To tell you the truth Luke I really just wanted to be back at my old job at Java. At least that place didn't hold so many memories. WOAK on the other hand is swarming with memories of us.
So as you can tell it was hard for me to go back to work, however it was totally necessary. I have to begin to move on with my life. I have to keep living and I know that this is what you would want me to do, go back to work. Well in order to get back to "normal" I figured that returning to work would be the easiest. Boy was I ever wrong.
The first thing that hit me when I walked into WOAK this morning was the nostalgia. I suddenly remembered being at that exact spot, just inside the doors, a mere 4 and a half years ago. It had been my first day in Oakdale. I was nervous, not about the job, but about how coming in late on my first day would say about my character. I just wanted to succeed at this job so much that I was worried being late on the first day would get me fired. You didn't help my fears any, I remember how you were so rude to me that first time we met. I couldn't believe someone who didn't even know me could be so cruel. I decided right then that I was going to get you to like me even if it killed me.
Then I remembered the day that I first felt a spark from you. It was the day you were kind of pissy about something and refused to let me help you carry all the videos you were toting about. When you ended up tripping and dropping all the ordered videos you got even more pissed. I immediately squated down and started helping you because I was still trying to get you to like me. All of a sudden I reach for the exact same video as you at exactly the same time. The touch of my hand on your's sent a spark through my body and I glanced at you and all of a sudden my heart stopped. At that point I didn't want to admit to the fact that I was crushing on you, but that was only because of the way I was raised.
Do you remember the first time we kissed? Oh wait how could you forget it was our first kiss after all. Well I remember feeling so flustered because I was running late to meeting my dad for lunch. When you offered to help me with my tie I was hesitant to let you help me because just standing a few feet from you was agony. I could only imagine what being inches from you would feel like. You straightened my tie that day, and every time after that day as well, and I suddenly felt the urge to kiss you. I wanted to know what it was like to kiss those soft luscious looking lips of yours. Luke, I must admit that the first kiss we shared was definitely MAGICAL! I am so sorry that I denied my feelings towards you for the longest time after that. You deserved better than that.
Now please tell me you remember the second time we kissed? God that kiss was even more magical if thats even possible. I was so confident about what I wanted to do, but I took it slow because I saw how nervous you were to be that close to me after I had broken your heart as a result of the last kiss. I merely had to touch your hand and you were suddenly willing to kiss me and I was never happier. Kissing you that time was like we were in this whole other world that contained only you and me. I hoped it would last forever, but then my dad barged in. I want to say thank you Luke because you were never afraid to stand up to the man even though he insulted you at every turn. I never deserved all the love and care you gave me when our relationship was in the baby stages.
It may have been hard for me to remember all those great memories that makes up our past, but I didn't let on about it. I merely went into my office and shut the door and asked to not be disturbed. As second nature I locked my office door out of fear that I would be interrupted. My fear of being interrupted during a private personal moment is all your fault. We were always getting interrupted whenever we attempted to have sex back in the early days of our relationship. That, Luke, is why you are to blame for my fear. Anyways when I got into my office I didn't cry, I laughed. I laughed because I still can't wrap my head around why you chose me over any other guy. I was the confused and vulnerable guy and you still fell in love with me. Did you just know that time would help my confidence levels?
Do you remember the first day I started working at WOAK? Well I sure do. I remember how you had come to wish me good luck on my first day. I was so nervous but you on the other hand was as cool as a cucumber. You simply strode into my office and plopped down on the corner of my desk and faced me. You gave me your signature "Noah grin" and I couldn't resist smiling too. I was no longer nervous and I proved that to you by planting a kiss on your lips. Remember how we were starting to get into the moment, right there in my office? If my memory serves me correctly that was yet another interrupted moment only it wasn't a person this time, it was a phone call.
I know we didn't have sex in my office on that day, but we did a few weeks later one night when I was working late. I remember you had come to pick me up for my romantic evening with you in celebration of my 22 Birthday, but I wasn't ready to leave yet so I asked you to wait a second. Wait you did, but you didn't make it easy on me. At first it was merely talking and asking questions, but then you switched to more enticing tactics.
You started by kissing me softly on my cheek. Then you slowly worked way to my ear. You nibbled on my ear for a little bit before moving on to sucking on my neck right at my "Achilles Heel" spot, in the crook of my neck. I had to close my eyes in an attempt to focus on my work task at hand. You took this to mean that I was defeated so you wrapped your arms over my shoulders and began to massage my chest. All the while you whisper, "Im so in love with you Noah Mayer." Suddenly one of your hands moved from my chest to my inner thigh. At that my resolve flew out the window. You really were such a great tease and you knew all the right spots to touch if you wanted to turn me on.
The rest of what happened that night is a blur, but how we had sex doesn't matter. All that matters is remembering how much love and passion was expressed between us that night. I am aware that the total amount of love and passion shared between us leaves others to question the validity of their love. Despite contrary belief our love and passion doesn't end with your death. Nor does it end with mine. It can only end when there is no one else left to remember our story.
So when I went to Dr. Elridge today she asked me if I had written you a letter. When I responded with yes she immediately assigned me a new task. She told me that I needed to sort through all your belongings and get rid of things little by little. I know she means well and I know that its theraputic , however this task is impossible to do at the current time. I can't bare the thought of getting rid of you piece by piece.
I am so afraid Luke, not of living without you but of losing my memories of you. How can I be sure that the memory of how you looked when you first woke up will stay with me forever? Or the look you'd give me when you were tired of talking about something? Or the look you gave me when I did something incredibly stupid? Or the look you got when you wanted people to pity you? Or the smile you gave to only me in order to show your love? Or the look you gave when you were being your usual pissed off bratty self? Luke how do I get you to stay in my memories forever?
Well Luke it's time for me to sign off and go to bed. Until next time my love. I love you more than words can express.
Love
Noah