Sex, Love, and self -- the wrap up
I feel that I should write something about what's going on with me.
On the topic I left off on, namely sex (which I do realize I talk way too much about), I ended up doing a whole lot of self discovery. I came to the conclusion that the theory that I was using sex to escape self was likely accurate. I also discovered what sex is a symbol of for me. You see sex is something we tend to wrap other things into, and it usually becomes a symbol of something else. For me that symbol is being wanted. This of course feeds directly into my submissive side, because the more someone takes that obviously the more they wanted and therefore my ego is happy.
Now normally this would be interesting trivia on the way I work, but I came to the realization (maybe agknowlegement is a better word) that I play situations in my head making it so that there is more taking going on than is reality. There are times where it could be seen that I thought I was being very giving, when in reality I was the one doing most the taking. It's complicated and I could elaborate, but I should probobly do so inside certain fiters. Basically I felt like things weren't really going on the way I wanted them to.
My friend had gone through similar issues when he was younger, and his solution was a period of celebacy to gain perspective. The idea, of course, terrified me, and the amount of terror made me want to step foreward and face it. So I freaked out about that for a couple days.
Then Burt asked me what this celebacy was trying to accomplish. I explained that I just wanted to know what I thought about sex, what it should be. We then began taking stock of what I knew about my feelings, and where the question was. I knew that I felt that sex should be about connection. Then I explained how I'd never really boughten into the making love theory. That love and sex were things that shouldn't necessarily be connected because that leads to unncessary bagage and dificulty seperating lust from love and that sort of thing. It's just too messy. The next morning it hit me that, while this logic is sound, it's really odd for me to have. You see I agknowlege that I have the ability to love everyone. I fall in love easily and feel strongly toward people. So why am I worrying about seperating lust from love, when chances are that I do feel love for the person in question. Then I realized that I was afraid. That this was an idea I had started back when I was single, that people couldn't handle being loved by someone they hadn't formed a relationship with. Partially it was me not wanting them to get attached prematurely, and partly it was a fear of scaring them away, but it was a definate fear. Also it is an outdated one. The people I'm with these days know I love them and are perfectly capable of handling such things.
This brings us back to the escape from self theory. This not letting myself love is clearly removing my natural predisposition, and therefore my self from the situation. This is definately what I'm wanting to avoid. So for the time being my solution is to love and to make sure that I'm doing things because I want to do them.
At this point I can't say for certain how this is working. Honestly, I haven't been having much sex. It seems that at the moment the only person I'm really wanting to make love to is me. I've been lecherous as hell, but not really as interested once I get in the moment. It's quite strange. I even had someone hit on me who I kept at arms length all night. It was strange, but I knew I was being true to what I wanted.
Hopefully I will be a good girl and update on everything else going on in my head. There's a bunch of it, but now I should be going to bed. In case I get flakey I start floral school in just over a week!
On the topic I left off on, namely sex (which I do realize I talk way too much about), I ended up doing a whole lot of self discovery. I came to the conclusion that the theory that I was using sex to escape self was likely accurate. I also discovered what sex is a symbol of for me. You see sex is something we tend to wrap other things into, and it usually becomes a symbol of something else. For me that symbol is being wanted. This of course feeds directly into my submissive side, because the more someone takes that obviously the more they wanted and therefore my ego is happy.
Now normally this would be interesting trivia on the way I work, but I came to the realization (maybe agknowlegement is a better word) that I play situations in my head making it so that there is more taking going on than is reality. There are times where it could be seen that I thought I was being very giving, when in reality I was the one doing most the taking. It's complicated and I could elaborate, but I should probobly do so inside certain fiters. Basically I felt like things weren't really going on the way I wanted them to.
My friend had gone through similar issues when he was younger, and his solution was a period of celebacy to gain perspective. The idea, of course, terrified me, and the amount of terror made me want to step foreward and face it. So I freaked out about that for a couple days.
Then Burt asked me what this celebacy was trying to accomplish. I explained that I just wanted to know what I thought about sex, what it should be. We then began taking stock of what I knew about my feelings, and where the question was. I knew that I felt that sex should be about connection. Then I explained how I'd never really boughten into the making love theory. That love and sex were things that shouldn't necessarily be connected because that leads to unncessary bagage and dificulty seperating lust from love and that sort of thing. It's just too messy. The next morning it hit me that, while this logic is sound, it's really odd for me to have. You see I agknowlege that I have the ability to love everyone. I fall in love easily and feel strongly toward people. So why am I worrying about seperating lust from love, when chances are that I do feel love for the person in question. Then I realized that I was afraid. That this was an idea I had started back when I was single, that people couldn't handle being loved by someone they hadn't formed a relationship with. Partially it was me not wanting them to get attached prematurely, and partly it was a fear of scaring them away, but it was a definate fear. Also it is an outdated one. The people I'm with these days know I love them and are perfectly capable of handling such things.
This brings us back to the escape from self theory. This not letting myself love is clearly removing my natural predisposition, and therefore my self from the situation. This is definately what I'm wanting to avoid. So for the time being my solution is to love and to make sure that I'm doing things because I want to do them.
At this point I can't say for certain how this is working. Honestly, I haven't been having much sex. It seems that at the moment the only person I'm really wanting to make love to is me. I've been lecherous as hell, but not really as interested once I get in the moment. It's quite strange. I even had someone hit on me who I kept at arms length all night. It was strange, but I knew I was being true to what I wanted.
Hopefully I will be a good girl and update on everything else going on in my head. There's a bunch of it, but now I should be going to bed. In case I get flakey I start floral school in just over a week!