Corvus
Last friday my girl Kat threw a wonderful St. Patrick's day party. She made a lovely green dress and had a huge hat I could stick my entire head in. There was amazing whiskey -- and I really do love me some whiskey and I don't get to drink it often enough, as well as cider and really good company.
So needless to say I was drunk off my ass, and as was Burt, and most everyone else, save Kat, who doesn't drink at her own parties, and Sally and Adam who showed up towards the end.
At the party was a guy I'd never met before, Frank. He was hitting on me all night. Once upon a time I would have been absolutely exhilerated by this. I would have likely fallen into bed with him before the night was over. Somehow this wasn't what I was feeling. He was an attractive enough sort, but I just didn't feel like bothering with sex and emotion, and I wanted to know him better first. So the entire night our interaction was very boundry oriented. There was a certain keeping him at arms length and sense that I was in control. That the things that conspired between us were because I gave him permission, and it was things like "yes you can kiss me on the cheek, yes we can hug . . and now this hug is over." Once or twice this was an actual discussion, but usually it was done without words.
There was also a spiritual element to the evening. According to Burt it started with Frank making some comment about Freya fucking dwarves for jewelry, to which I replied, "Now don't fault my girl Freya for that one. People make it out like it was all about the necklace, but there was sex too. Think about it. She got to go through a pleasurable act for pretty things. She got sex AND jewelry,"
"No," replied Burt, "She got FUCKED for pretty things. Don't forget that."
A few moments later Frank challenged Burt about rules, saying it is his job to break the rules, to whick Burt replied that he had made the rules and invited him into his home with full agknowlegement that he would be breaking them, so really he breaks the rules because he allows him to. The two of them went off having the Loki Woden conversation for awile, as I stood there sharing a cigarette with Burt as Frank professed to violate his rules, but followed mine to the T.
At one point Burt burned his fingers passing the cigarette and snapped at me. Now I must have been feeling very Freya fiesty at this point, because instead of offering condolaces I said to him, "If you'd had the balls to actually touch my lips you would have been fine,"
"But that would imply intention and I don't have those intentions."
I waved my hand dismissively, "I know where your intentions are and aren't so you have no worries."
About this point my memory gets a bit of alcohol haze. I believe we started professing our love for eachother. I know there was a conversation on how we protect each other. The conversation progressed to talk of sacrifice, and he talked about how he sacrifices are for me. At this point the conversation wasn't really between Burt and Leanne any more, but between the divinities within. I nodded knowing it was the way of things, and told him I would save him if I could, but such things aren't always possible. At about this point Frank randomly burst out singing one of my favorate Golden Bough soungs, which nobody I spend time with knows and I haven't heard in far too long. We started singing. The song after that I vaguely recognized and I said so, and the one after that as well.
"Of course you do, for all songs are you," Spouted Burt. I believe there was a little more said with the same point, "And all art, that is you too. All that is beauty in the world stems from you," I wistfully commented that I should actually make something myself again, "And you shall. You shall make a masterpiece of such the world has never seen before, nor will again, and they will not appreciate it, for the will not know how."
Other things happened that night. I got my heart a bit twisted around and was faced with the "what if he's actually interested?" question. Of course in the clarity of soberness it is clear that that was not what was being offered, simply love and the connection that is between us.
In the morning we talked and he apologized for potentially leading me on. In his mind we were having the same conversation we always have had. (Of course he was seeing the night through more whiskey than I) He told me that he did love me, because I am his Anam Cara, but I knew where things stand. And of course I agree. I want what is best for him and I have eyes to see that that is in fact not me. We had this conversation the day after we met.
Still thinking about that night I long to interact with him in a ritual setting. I adore the ease at which we address the divinity within, and somehow from him it's easier to except that the things happening are as they are. Somehow when he addresses the Goddess in me there is no hesitation on my part, simply an appropriate responce. I would like to think that I have similar affects on him, but I don't know this for sure. What I do know is that I want to work with that dynamic more and to see how the interaction between us plays out in a priest/priestess setting. I want to have our conversation on that level. I think it would be very eye opening for me.
So needless to say I was drunk off my ass, and as was Burt, and most everyone else, save Kat, who doesn't drink at her own parties, and Sally and Adam who showed up towards the end.
At the party was a guy I'd never met before, Frank. He was hitting on me all night. Once upon a time I would have been absolutely exhilerated by this. I would have likely fallen into bed with him before the night was over. Somehow this wasn't what I was feeling. He was an attractive enough sort, but I just didn't feel like bothering with sex and emotion, and I wanted to know him better first. So the entire night our interaction was very boundry oriented. There was a certain keeping him at arms length and sense that I was in control. That the things that conspired between us were because I gave him permission, and it was things like "yes you can kiss me on the cheek, yes we can hug . . and now this hug is over." Once or twice this was an actual discussion, but usually it was done without words.
There was also a spiritual element to the evening. According to Burt it started with Frank making some comment about Freya fucking dwarves for jewelry, to which I replied, "Now don't fault my girl Freya for that one. People make it out like it was all about the necklace, but there was sex too. Think about it. She got to go through a pleasurable act for pretty things. She got sex AND jewelry,"
"No," replied Burt, "She got FUCKED for pretty things. Don't forget that."
A few moments later Frank challenged Burt about rules, saying it is his job to break the rules, to whick Burt replied that he had made the rules and invited him into his home with full agknowlegement that he would be breaking them, so really he breaks the rules because he allows him to. The two of them went off having the Loki Woden conversation for awile, as I stood there sharing a cigarette with Burt as Frank professed to violate his rules, but followed mine to the T.
At one point Burt burned his fingers passing the cigarette and snapped at me. Now I must have been feeling very Freya fiesty at this point, because instead of offering condolaces I said to him, "If you'd had the balls to actually touch my lips you would have been fine,"
"But that would imply intention and I don't have those intentions."
I waved my hand dismissively, "I know where your intentions are and aren't so you have no worries."
About this point my memory gets a bit of alcohol haze. I believe we started professing our love for eachother. I know there was a conversation on how we protect each other. The conversation progressed to talk of sacrifice, and he talked about how he sacrifices are for me. At this point the conversation wasn't really between Burt and Leanne any more, but between the divinities within. I nodded knowing it was the way of things, and told him I would save him if I could, but such things aren't always possible. At about this point Frank randomly burst out singing one of my favorate Golden Bough soungs, which nobody I spend time with knows and I haven't heard in far too long. We started singing. The song after that I vaguely recognized and I said so, and the one after that as well.
"Of course you do, for all songs are you," Spouted Burt. I believe there was a little more said with the same point, "And all art, that is you too. All that is beauty in the world stems from you," I wistfully commented that I should actually make something myself again, "And you shall. You shall make a masterpiece of such the world has never seen before, nor will again, and they will not appreciate it, for the will not know how."
Other things happened that night. I got my heart a bit twisted around and was faced with the "what if he's actually interested?" question. Of course in the clarity of soberness it is clear that that was not what was being offered, simply love and the connection that is between us.
In the morning we talked and he apologized for potentially leading me on. In his mind we were having the same conversation we always have had. (Of course he was seeing the night through more whiskey than I) He told me that he did love me, because I am his Anam Cara, but I knew where things stand. And of course I agree. I want what is best for him and I have eyes to see that that is in fact not me. We had this conversation the day after we met.
Still thinking about that night I long to interact with him in a ritual setting. I adore the ease at which we address the divinity within, and somehow from him it's easier to except that the things happening are as they are. Somehow when he addresses the Goddess in me there is no hesitation on my part, simply an appropriate responce. I would like to think that I have similar affects on him, but I don't know this for sure. What I do know is that I want to work with that dynamic more and to see how the interaction between us plays out in a priest/priestess setting. I want to have our conversation on that level. I think it would be very eye opening for me.