Port-a-Pundit
Dear Sir or Madam,
Are you tired of dealing with primadonna 'personalities' and tumultuous talking heads? Has the hypocritical hyperbole got you down? Are the legal fees finally adding up? Then let me introduce you to our new star product, Port-a-Pundit!
Port-a-Pundit is THE latest and greatest technology from Syborg Solutions. This is the same company who brought you Port-a-Priest, Port-a-Prole, and the amazing Marketing-o-Matic! The Port-a-Pundit will make your life carefree!
Market tests have shown us time and again that what you really need in a radio or talk-show personality is flexibility. You need someone who can change their opinions at the drop of a hat - or even better, the press of a button! Biological alternatives just don't offer the range of opinion you deserve for your dollar. Port-a-Pundit, however, is completely programmable!
Here’s how it works: using the simple remote interface, you give Port-a-Pundit a topic. This can be almost anything - a name, a phrase, a word, an article or blog post. The sky is the limit! Once Port-a-Pundit has the concept, you decide which way it will come down on the controversy. Do you want a negative, positive or neutral discussion about the topic? Our interface gives you a wide range to choose from. After that, you set the tone and the basis for the argument. Is Port-a-Pundit against "kittens" on moral grounds? For “taxation of the rich” because of religious beliefs? Against “immigration reform” on an economic basis? Is someone out there just plain wrong? You decide! Then sit back, and let Port-a-Pundit put together an argument for you. Our patented systems make lexical and topical connections your audiences will find astounding!
You decide exactly how much control you want over Port-a-Pundit:
- Are you looking to fine-tune every argument, down to the vitriol and logic levels, or even craft speeches yourself for the Port-a-Pundit to deliver? You can do that!
- Are you interested to include certain phrases or catch-words in Port-a-Pundit's diatribes? That's trivial with Port-a-Pundit! Fnord!
- Do you prefer to see what Port-a-Pundit can do with more freedom? Just give your Port-a-Pundit a topic, relax, and see what happens!
But wait! There’s more! Port-a-Pundit is completely modular! Do you need a new face for your ten-o'clock news personality? No problem! Just order a new head, and we'll ship it to you overnight! No more costly severance fees! No more dramatic flouncing from overpaid ex-employees!
Port-a-Pundit is, of course, also completely portable! Fold in the arms, fold down the head, and the whole device fits into the beautiful built-in carrying case! It's even small enough to be carry-on luggage on most airlines! Your Port-a-Pundit carrying case can be monogrammed with your initials, or marked with your news station's insignia, for a modest fee.
Today's political landscape is continually changing, but your Port-a-Pundit can adapt to this fluctuating environment with ease! Your audiences will never suspect that the morning and evening announcers - with diametrically opposing viewpoints - are actually one and the same. We keep our customer list strictly confidential, but we can tell you that prototype Port-a-Pundits have already entered the market, and may even be commenting on your competitor's networks right now! You don't want to be left behind by the wave of the future!
Call today, and we will send one of our trained and professional sales representatives straight to your door. Host a party and wow your guests with Port-a-Pundit! We guarantee you'll be impressed, and we're so confident in this product that we will give you a trial period of three days to try out Port-a-Pundit at absolutely no cost! Program it with the voice of one of your now obsolete biological pundits and be amazed. A few minor tweaks to articulation and argument intelligence, and no one will ever know the difference!
We look forward to hearing from you!
Sincerely,
Ilsa Illuminos
Vice President of Marketing, Syborg Solutions
Disclaimer: Syborg Solutions takes no responsibility for loss of profit, productivity, property, employee morale, life, limb, time, heart, health, color, keys, virginity, pets, children, or appetite when using Port-a-Pundit. Syborg Solutions further disclaims all responsibility for the actions of any of their products, including but not limited to Port-a-Pundit and Marketing-o-Matic, when the following conditions are present: days ending with the letter 'y', exposure to dihydrogen monoxide, years beginning with the number 2, exposure to caffeine, when the products have been taunted or teased, and in the presence of competitors' products. Do not operate Port-a-Pundit while intoxicated or under the influence of mind-altering substances. Do not feed Port-a-Pundit after midnight. Do not expose Port-a-Pundit to humidity. Do not operate Port-a-Pundit in small, enclosed spaces. It is solely the customer's responsibility to maintain Port-a-Pundit's software, firmware, and network security. Do not gnaw on Port-a-Pundit's remote. Do not ingest any part of Port-a-Pundit. Port-a-Pundit is not rated for all audiences. Do not allow Port-a-Pundit's hair to tangle. Port-a-Pundit is not legal tender in Andorra. Please look both ways before crossing Port-a-Pundit. Do not operate Port-a-Pundit for at least an hour before swimming. Do not expose Port-a-Pundit to open flame. Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, is unintentional. Do not bend, fold or mutilate Port-a-Pundit. Do not sing in the key of G in the presence of Port-a-Pundit. In the unlikely event that Port-a-Pundit malfunctions, do not attempt to repair Port-a-Pundit. Instead, return Port-a-Pundit to an authorized service center. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. There may be penalties for early withdrawal or overdraft. Do not operate Port-a-Pundit underwater. Do not submerge Port-a-Pundit. Do not allow Port-a-Pundit to become dessicated. Regular flossing required. Contents under pressure. Sophistry may enrage Port-a-Pundit. Do not remove tag under penalty of law. Exportation of Port-a-Pundit is forbidden by International Treaty. Port-a-Pundit accepts all major credit cards. Port-a-Pundit contains only a small amount of radioactive materials. Nutritional Information available on request. Not for human consumption. Port-a-Pundit is a registered trademark of Syborg Solutions. Port-a-Pundit is not recyclable in Alaska, Nevada and Hawaii. Port-a-Pundit requires internet connectivity at all times. Syborg Solutions takes no responsibility for the variable views and statements of Port-a-Pundit. Port-a-Pundit is not intended for use as a household cleaner or disinfectant. Port-a-Pundit is not to be used as a personal flotation device. Port-a-Pundit is not recommended for use on an aircraft. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Should Port-a-Pundit remain erect for more than four hours, please see a doctor. Reading this disclaimer constitutes legal and binding agreement to all terms therein.
Are you tired of dealing with primadonna 'personalities' and tumultuous talking heads? Has the hypocritical hyperbole got you down? Are the legal fees finally adding up? Then let me introduce you to our new star product, Port-a-Pundit!
Port-a-Pundit is THE latest and greatest technology from Syborg Solutions. This is the same company who brought you Port-a-Priest, Port-a-Prole, and the amazing Marketing-o-Matic! The Port-a-Pundit will make your life carefree!
Market tests have shown us time and again that what you really need in a radio or talk-show personality is flexibility. You need someone who can change their opinions at the drop of a hat - or even better, the press of a button! Biological alternatives just don't offer the range of opinion you deserve for your dollar. Port-a-Pundit, however, is completely programmable!
Here’s how it works: using the simple remote interface, you give Port-a-Pundit a topic. This can be almost anything - a name, a phrase, a word, an article or blog post. The sky is the limit! Once Port-a-Pundit has the concept, you decide which way it will come down on the controversy. Do you want a negative, positive or neutral discussion about the topic? Our interface gives you a wide range to choose from. After that, you set the tone and the basis for the argument. Is Port-a-Pundit against "kittens" on moral grounds? For “taxation of the rich” because of religious beliefs? Against “immigration reform” on an economic basis? Is someone out there just plain wrong? You decide! Then sit back, and let Port-a-Pundit put together an argument for you. Our patented systems make lexical and topical connections your audiences will find astounding!
You decide exactly how much control you want over Port-a-Pundit:
- Are you looking to fine-tune every argument, down to the vitriol and logic levels, or even craft speeches yourself for the Port-a-Pundit to deliver? You can do that!
- Are you interested to include certain phrases or catch-words in Port-a-Pundit's diatribes? That's trivial with Port-a-Pundit! Fnord!
- Do you prefer to see what Port-a-Pundit can do with more freedom? Just give your Port-a-Pundit a topic, relax, and see what happens!
But wait! There’s more! Port-a-Pundit is completely modular! Do you need a new face for your ten-o'clock news personality? No problem! Just order a new head, and we'll ship it to you overnight! No more costly severance fees! No more dramatic flouncing from overpaid ex-employees!
Port-a-Pundit is, of course, also completely portable! Fold in the arms, fold down the head, and the whole device fits into the beautiful built-in carrying case! It's even small enough to be carry-on luggage on most airlines! Your Port-a-Pundit carrying case can be monogrammed with your initials, or marked with your news station's insignia, for a modest fee.
Today's political landscape is continually changing, but your Port-a-Pundit can adapt to this fluctuating environment with ease! Your audiences will never suspect that the morning and evening announcers - with diametrically opposing viewpoints - are actually one and the same. We keep our customer list strictly confidential, but we can tell you that prototype Port-a-Pundits have already entered the market, and may even be commenting on your competitor's networks right now! You don't want to be left behind by the wave of the future!
Call today, and we will send one of our trained and professional sales representatives straight to your door. Host a party and wow your guests with Port-a-Pundit! We guarantee you'll be impressed, and we're so confident in this product that we will give you a trial period of three days to try out Port-a-Pundit at absolutely no cost! Program it with the voice of one of your now obsolete biological pundits and be amazed. A few minor tweaks to articulation and argument intelligence, and no one will ever know the difference!
We look forward to hearing from you!
Sincerely,
Ilsa Illuminos
Vice President of Marketing, Syborg Solutions
Disclaimer: Syborg Solutions takes no responsibility for loss of profit, productivity, property, employee morale, life, limb, time, heart, health, color, keys, virginity, pets, children, or appetite when using Port-a-Pundit. Syborg Solutions further disclaims all responsibility for the actions of any of their products, including but not limited to Port-a-Pundit and Marketing-o-Matic, when the following conditions are present: days ending with the letter 'y', exposure to dihydrogen monoxide, years beginning with the number 2, exposure to caffeine, when the products have been taunted or teased, and in the presence of competitors' products. Do not operate Port-a-Pundit while intoxicated or under the influence of mind-altering substances. Do not feed Port-a-Pundit after midnight. Do not expose Port-a-Pundit to humidity. Do not operate Port-a-Pundit in small, enclosed spaces. It is solely the customer's responsibility to maintain Port-a-Pundit's software, firmware, and network security. Do not gnaw on Port-a-Pundit's remote. Do not ingest any part of Port-a-Pundit. Port-a-Pundit is not rated for all audiences. Do not allow Port-a-Pundit's hair to tangle. Port-a-Pundit is not legal tender in Andorra. Please look both ways before crossing Port-a-Pundit. Do not operate Port-a-Pundit for at least an hour before swimming. Do not expose Port-a-Pundit to open flame. Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead, is unintentional. Do not bend, fold or mutilate Port-a-Pundit. Do not sing in the key of G in the presence of Port-a-Pundit. In the unlikely event that Port-a-Pundit malfunctions, do not attempt to repair Port-a-Pundit. Instead, return Port-a-Pundit to an authorized service center. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. There may be penalties for early withdrawal or overdraft. Do not operate Port-a-Pundit underwater. Do not submerge Port-a-Pundit. Do not allow Port-a-Pundit to become dessicated. Regular flossing required. Contents under pressure. Sophistry may enrage Port-a-Pundit. Do not remove tag under penalty of law. Exportation of Port-a-Pundit is forbidden by International Treaty. Port-a-Pundit accepts all major credit cards. Port-a-Pundit contains only a small amount of radioactive materials. Nutritional Information available on request. Not for human consumption. Port-a-Pundit is a registered trademark of Syborg Solutions. Port-a-Pundit is not recyclable in Alaska, Nevada and Hawaii. Port-a-Pundit requires internet connectivity at all times. Syborg Solutions takes no responsibility for the variable views and statements of Port-a-Pundit. Port-a-Pundit is not intended for use as a household cleaner or disinfectant. Port-a-Pundit is not to be used as a personal flotation device. Port-a-Pundit is not recommended for use on an aircraft. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Should Port-a-Pundit remain erect for more than four hours, please see a doctor. Reading this disclaimer constitutes legal and binding agreement to all terms therein.