For A Pessimist--I'm Pretty Optimistic ♥;;
I'm tired of Angie saying something I do isn't "godly". It's really irritating. So I texted her && I said "Sorry but I'm still learning you seem to forget that a lot. I wasn't raised knowing God. I never know what's right. I'm on my own and it hurts. && you don't get that I'm trying so hard && you don't care && every little mistake I make is the end of the world but I still try to say sorry && talk about it. Sorry I'm not perfect. You're just like my dad sometimes. && it drives me nuts."
I don't always know the right thing to do or say! && I haven't had God in my life that long, I've come a long way but I've still got so far to go, so sorry that I mess up when dealing with her. Sorry that I sometimes give into my knee-jerk reactions. I try. Does that mean nothing? I fucking try.
But I'm sick of trying, I'm about to give up. Cuz if she's anything like I think she is, there's no pleasing her. I'm never gonna be good enough. My best isn't worth anything. My apologies are falling on deaf ears. So why even try? My dad's the same way. I'm never gonna be perfect && perfect was what he wanted. He wanted a maintanince free daughter. An easy life.
Sorry I'm a complicated person;
Sorry I'm demanding;
Sorry for the drama;
Sorry for needing you to love me;
Sorry for needing you at all;
Sorry for wanting you to notice me;
Sorry for the tears;
Sorry for the screaming;
Sorry for bleeding;
Sorry for breathing.
I just wish people could be straight-up with me. I stress a lot less when they are.
"You give me all but the reason why"
Last night I was beyond upset when I read Angie's message. It's a kind of good thing I was talking to Sean, but eh it didn't help completely. I ran upstairs and began a frantic search for my knife. I couldn't find it. && I let Devin hang onto my razorblade, so I couldn't find anything sharp at all. I was sobbing hysterically && tearing apart my room, when my phone went off. So I went to look, it was a myspace alert. Suzi had messaged me. I logged on from my phone and read it, and I was crying even more by the time I got to the bottom, she was apologizing for the whole thing that happened almost a year ago [has it really been that long?] && not being there for me when I obviously needed someone. [I'm guessing she meant when I texted her earlier last weekend, or maybe she just meant in general.] As soon as I finished, I got an AIM message from her asking for my phone number, I gave it to her. Then I told her how I was feeling && all, she wanted to call me so I was like yeah okay if you want. She called me && basically talked me out of a major breakdown.
Which I'm really thankful to God for, I know that was God working in my life. I need Suzi, I really do. She's always been there for me, all these years. Yeah I have new friends, good friends, but they're not Suzi. I'm so glad God used her to reach me, she saved me last night. I'm not even joking. Before she started talking to me all I could think was, "I want to give up; I want to die; I hate this."
It's like God was telling me, "No don't give up, people care about you even if they don't show it for awhile, look here--I'll show you." && then brings Suzi back to me. Yeah I was still a little sad, but even through that I could admire God's love && power.
Life's not always easy, but we move along.
So I guess under all these negative emotions, my optimism is trying to shine through. I know that God is leading me, I know he loves me && he will never forsake me. I trust him above all else, && I know he will do what's best for me. In that, I can be happy.
Yay, an angry/sad post turned into a hopeful one. A journal can help so much *huggles livejournal*
♥;;
Kittylicious.