(no subject)
My grandma is back in the hospital. She is still living alone, and has been getting weaker over the last 3-6 months. She's been in the hospital every other month, it seems. This time I think it's different. Apparently she fell and hit her head. She did this before, but she ended up being ok after it healed and everything. But when she fell today, she hit her head and the blood got to her brain or something..
I was first told that she was probably going to be fine and it was no big deal. Then 2 hours later, I get a call saying she might not live past a couple of hours. And the worst part about THAT phone call is that I didn't even get it from my mom. It was from my sister, who was standing beside my mom, relaying information because my mom didn't want to get upset. I mean, I can understand that, but I AM HER DAUGHTER. It is not my sister's job to tell me that my grandmother is dying in a couple of hours. It is hers. And yes, it is very upsetting, and yes, I will probably cry, and then she will probably cry, but to be honest I think that is an ok way of dealing with things. You are supposed to cry about this.
Anyway. I just felt very hurt that she couldn't tell me herself, because at the moment, I couldn't hear anything, and my sister kept having to ask my mom what she was supposed to say, so none of my questions were getting answered.. and it was the most frustrating phone call ever.
This is my grandmother. The woman who has taken care of me my entire life. It breaks my heart to know that I am two and a half hours away and can't do anything. I feel helpless. I just want to be able to say a proper goodbye.
It hurts because I just went to see her on Sunday and everything was fine and she talked about how she was going to hang in there and keep living, because she wanted to see the things my sister and I would do. And not even a week later, she is in the hospital again.
She's tough. I know it, she knows it. But when do you stop wanting her to fight? I mean, I don't want her to keep fighting if she is in pain, or if life becomes so unbearable. I think she would hate living in a nursing home.. In fact, I know she would hate it. She hates the idea of it. Which may be what will happen if she survives this. And I don't want that for her.
I guess last week sometime, she told my mom that she didn't want anyone to be sad for her when she died. She said that she got to do everything that she wanted to do in life, and that she lived happily, and that's all that matters.. and not to be sad. And that makes me cry because it just sounds so final, and she was still alive when she said it. And I want her to still be here. For as long as possible.
Anyway, we are waiting until the morning to hear an update. Her vitals are fine, but she can't really talk, and she's still out of it.
I'm just so scared.
When bad things happen, is there ever just one person you know who will make it better? And all you want to do is talk to that one person? And then they don't answer, or you can't reach them, or whatever. And you talk to other people, but it isn't the same. It doesn't make you feel better, not in the way that the one particular person could. It's a shitty feeling.
I wonder if I am easy to reach. Like if someone really needed to talk to me, if I would answer when they need me most. I mean, you don't know what the call will be about until you answer. I usually don't answer, but I almost always check my voicemail right afterwards, and I would hope that if it was something important that they would leave a voicemail so that I would call back immediately.
It's been a stressful week for me. I haven't had one of those in a long time, at least school-wise, so I guess I deserved this. Everyone has to have a bad week once in awhile. But this week has just drained me physically and emotionally. I've been to the gym every night (I just started going again), I can't figure out what Kyle's deal is, I've had 2 major tests, and on top of all that, now there's my grandma.
Sometimes I just need people to tell me straight-forward how things are going to be. Guys in particular. Lay it all out for me. If buying me things is really your way of showing affection, then just tell me that's how it is and I'll learn to accept it. But if I'm sitting here every day hoping that maybe today's the day you'll send me a sweet text message or something, but you are just never going to be that guy, then I need to know that. Because to be honest, I would prefer all of that. I would rather you make me smile a couple times through-out the week because of something you did that showed me you were thinking about me.. than buying me something once a month because it is more convenient and then you don't have to think about me the rest of the time. I don't know. Am I completely wrong on this? Sure, every girl loves presents, but all they do is get her hopes up that a guy really cares about her, and maybe he does.. but you have to show it in other ways.
It is really not that difficult to do the following:
--Ask her how her day was.
--Call her and talk to her for longer than 2 minutes. It doesn't even have to be every night.. just at least once/twice a week. I promise you can find 10 minutes out of your entire night to call a girl you care about to tell her what's going on in your life and ask her about her own. (There is nothing worse than having a stressful week and just wanting to talk about it with someone)
--Send her a quick text or something to brighten her day.
--IM her online and actually CARRY the conversation.. It is especially obnoxious when a guy IM's you, asks you a question, and then from then on, just lets the girl do all the work. And what usually happens is she gets tired of it and stops talking, and then you stop talking. I'm sorry, but that sucks.
Whatever. I can't figure guys out. I just think if I was a guy I would be reaaaally good at it and I would get all the girls because I'd know exactly what to do not to annoy them.
Basically, all of that rant stems from the fact that I haven't been able to talk to the guy I like for longer than 5 minutes in... ohh.. about THREE WEEKS. Which is pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
I have lots more stuff to talk about but I am tired of typing about things that are not happy. So I'm going to sleep so I can have happy dreams about grandmas that live for eternity and guys who really want to talk you. The end.
<333333
k.
I was first told that she was probably going to be fine and it was no big deal. Then 2 hours later, I get a call saying she might not live past a couple of hours. And the worst part about THAT phone call is that I didn't even get it from my mom. It was from my sister, who was standing beside my mom, relaying information because my mom didn't want to get upset. I mean, I can understand that, but I AM HER DAUGHTER. It is not my sister's job to tell me that my grandmother is dying in a couple of hours. It is hers. And yes, it is very upsetting, and yes, I will probably cry, and then she will probably cry, but to be honest I think that is an ok way of dealing with things. You are supposed to cry about this.
Anyway. I just felt very hurt that she couldn't tell me herself, because at the moment, I couldn't hear anything, and my sister kept having to ask my mom what she was supposed to say, so none of my questions were getting answered.. and it was the most frustrating phone call ever.
This is my grandmother. The woman who has taken care of me my entire life. It breaks my heart to know that I am two and a half hours away and can't do anything. I feel helpless. I just want to be able to say a proper goodbye.
It hurts because I just went to see her on Sunday and everything was fine and she talked about how she was going to hang in there and keep living, because she wanted to see the things my sister and I would do. And not even a week later, she is in the hospital again.
She's tough. I know it, she knows it. But when do you stop wanting her to fight? I mean, I don't want her to keep fighting if she is in pain, or if life becomes so unbearable. I think she would hate living in a nursing home.. In fact, I know she would hate it. She hates the idea of it. Which may be what will happen if she survives this. And I don't want that for her.
I guess last week sometime, she told my mom that she didn't want anyone to be sad for her when she died. She said that she got to do everything that she wanted to do in life, and that she lived happily, and that's all that matters.. and not to be sad. And that makes me cry because it just sounds so final, and she was still alive when she said it. And I want her to still be here. For as long as possible.
Anyway, we are waiting until the morning to hear an update. Her vitals are fine, but she can't really talk, and she's still out of it.
I'm just so scared.
When bad things happen, is there ever just one person you know who will make it better? And all you want to do is talk to that one person? And then they don't answer, or you can't reach them, or whatever. And you talk to other people, but it isn't the same. It doesn't make you feel better, not in the way that the one particular person could. It's a shitty feeling.
I wonder if I am easy to reach. Like if someone really needed to talk to me, if I would answer when they need me most. I mean, you don't know what the call will be about until you answer. I usually don't answer, but I almost always check my voicemail right afterwards, and I would hope that if it was something important that they would leave a voicemail so that I would call back immediately.
It's been a stressful week for me. I haven't had one of those in a long time, at least school-wise, so I guess I deserved this. Everyone has to have a bad week once in awhile. But this week has just drained me physically and emotionally. I've been to the gym every night (I just started going again), I can't figure out what Kyle's deal is, I've had 2 major tests, and on top of all that, now there's my grandma.
Sometimes I just need people to tell me straight-forward how things are going to be. Guys in particular. Lay it all out for me. If buying me things is really your way of showing affection, then just tell me that's how it is and I'll learn to accept it. But if I'm sitting here every day hoping that maybe today's the day you'll send me a sweet text message or something, but you are just never going to be that guy, then I need to know that. Because to be honest, I would prefer all of that. I would rather you make me smile a couple times through-out the week because of something you did that showed me you were thinking about me.. than buying me something once a month because it is more convenient and then you don't have to think about me the rest of the time. I don't know. Am I completely wrong on this? Sure, every girl loves presents, but all they do is get her hopes up that a guy really cares about her, and maybe he does.. but you have to show it in other ways.
It is really not that difficult to do the following:
--Ask her how her day was.
--Call her and talk to her for longer than 2 minutes. It doesn't even have to be every night.. just at least once/twice a week. I promise you can find 10 minutes out of your entire night to call a girl you care about to tell her what's going on in your life and ask her about her own. (There is nothing worse than having a stressful week and just wanting to talk about it with someone)
--Send her a quick text or something to brighten her day.
--IM her online and actually CARRY the conversation.. It is especially obnoxious when a guy IM's you, asks you a question, and then from then on, just lets the girl do all the work. And what usually happens is she gets tired of it and stops talking, and then you stop talking. I'm sorry, but that sucks.
Whatever. I can't figure guys out. I just think if I was a guy I would be reaaaally good at it and I would get all the girls because I'd know exactly what to do not to annoy them.
Basically, all of that rant stems from the fact that I haven't been able to talk to the guy I like for longer than 5 minutes in... ohh.. about THREE WEEKS. Which is pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
I have lots more stuff to talk about but I am tired of typing about things that are not happy. So I'm going to sleep so I can have happy dreams about grandmas that live for eternity and guys who really want to talk you. The end.
<333333
k.