(no subject)
OK. I don’t really understand how it got to this point. Here is what happened:
I am reminded that you will be the only guy at the Saucer, and that we have yet to have a girls night (which we also will still want on occasion). We discuss whether it is too late to ask or not, but I am encouraged to at least check. I am currently driving at the moment, and since my phone does not have a keyboard, texting in general, especially while driving, can be really difficult for me. Therefore, I keep things short and to the point. Ashley takes the phone, and summarizes for me in as nice of a way as I can think of quickly. Then, I get the irritated responses back (which fine, you have a right to be irritated, but I guess it was the tone of your voice that just kind of made me irritated back). At this point I am still ok, and going to apologize for ditching you, but probably not as nice as I would have if you had said “Fineee Kelly Scott but you owe me one.”. So anyway, this is when I say sorry, and that I would have given you more notice (granted, I could have said “I am terribly sorry” or “Super super sore-ree Brandon Robles) but I did say sorry so please don’t keep telling me that I never once apologized. That’s bullshit. It may not have been a good enough apology, but there was one. And it was from there that I felt the attitude back and was just like “fuck this, now I’m mad too”.
This all could have been avoided if we would have phrased things a little better, and in your case, stayed more calm about it. I will obviously see you again, discuss it with me in person or something, but don’t come back at me with a bunch of angry texts. I don’t respond well to that. Same with when you called me that time and I didn’t call you back right away because I was at work, and I got that angry livejournal post.. then I got equally as mad. I respond best to “hey, I understand, but that’s kinda shitty, do you mind if we talk about it later, I’m a little upset”. Then I feel bad, not angry.
Anyway, since that didn’t happen, continuing on… I spend all night getting more and more irritated, so I get home and decide to put some of my thoughts down. In no way do I think that my post was mean to you at all. I was just very blunt and to the point, and that is how I get when I am mad. The first part was the truth.. me telling you what makes me “not give a fuck”. Now, Brandon Robles, this means “not give a fuck at the moment”, not “not give a fuck about you or your feelings in general”. “I don’t care” is NOT “I don’t care about you”, its “I don’t care about your feelings now that you’ve made me just as mad in return”. You would know it if I just didn’t give a fuck about anything, and I don’t think that would ever happen with us.
In no way do I think that I threatened you either. This wasn’t anything to taunt over your head to make you give in or apologize to me instead, or anything like that. I was simply and literally saying how I felt, and that there was a ton more (still is) that I would like to say to you, but not enough time last night. These are things that I have been wanting to say to you anyway.
However, YOUR last few posts I feel were EXTREMELY, OVER THE TOP threatening. This and that about who will you come crying to if I walk out the door, don’t even try to make me not give a fuck, you don’t even want to see that, etc etc. I love you very much, and you are my best guy friend, but you are also a big boy and choose to make your own life decisions. If there is something that I do that is wrong enough that will ever cause you to walk out the door like that, then go right ahead. I will be sad as fuck about it, but you are gonna do what you’re gonna do. You’ve said time and time again that you ask for reasons to not care about people and to cut them out of your life. If you want to do that to me too, or threaten me about it, fine. But I don’t think it will make you any happier, and you will still be running away from things.
You are not a “back up plan” either. I think you are lumping the Saucer, and yourself, into one category, when the two are completely different. You, I love to see, the Saucer, I can do without every now and then, especially if something better comes along. I will get my next 3 beers the following week, no big deal. That’s the problem with routines, they are comfortable, but there are times that you’d like to do something else instead if it comes up. I’m always upset I don’t get to see you, but for me its kinda like “ahh, shit, well I’ll see him again soon”. You and I have very different mindsets I think, because you just up and moved here (for whatever reasons) and I had been used to seeing you twice a year, if that. Suddenly, it is twice a week. That is a little overwhelming. It is like rediscovering a whole new friendship, one I wasn’t quite ready for. As much as we talk about live action friends, it is still a little scary to see someone so often and suddenly make them a part of your physical life too. So in my mind, I’m just glad to see you. Whether it’s Monday and Wednesday in a row, or if we take 2 weeks off, it is still better than the TWICE A YEAR we were hanging out before. Maybe that’s the optimist in me, who knows. Maybe I take it for granted and expect you will always be there, but with that, know that I expect to always be there for you as well. So what’s a couple of “blow offs” in Saucer time when we are such good friends that it’s not the end of the world. I don’t know if what I’m saying right now makes any sense to you, or if you are just getting more and more angry with me. It’s so hard to tell with you. I am just being honest. About everything. That is all I can do, and if you don’t like any of it, then there’s nothing I can do.
I don’t like being tied down. And that is how it feels when someone gets mad at me for wanting to have a girls night instead, or making me feel like I’ve blown them off for a fun concert. I love you, and I want to see you, but there are also a million other things I want to do, and some will occur at the same times. Some will come up last minute, and I don’t want to feel this guilty every single time. You can ask any of my friends, I felt horrible for cancelling on you last night, I vocalized that to them, but because I didn’t say it exactly right in a text message, it caused this entire fight between us right now. That is so frustrating. In the future, I will try to give you more notice, or to be more sympathetic in how I word things, but I can’t promise you that I’m not going to blow you off now and again. Try not to assume that the Saucer will happen every single Monday and Wednesday. They are always just maybes, or probablys.
I would love to hang out with you any other night too. It is just damn near impossible with our schedules. That will change eventually I’m sure, but please try to be patient. That could take weeks, months, years, for our schedules to match up better and we can hang out on other random nights. But I’m sure it will happen. Like I said, I am content with the time we do have. In college we would go WEEKS without talking sometimes. And here we talk all the time now. I just wish you could see it the same way I do.
Maybe I could have phrased it better when I said you “rely on me”.. but that is the honest to god truth of how I feel sometimes. I know you don’t know many people around here, and going out to the Saucer is one of the only guarantees of a fun time with some friends, and that does make me feel a lot of pressure all the time. That pressure is intensified when I am not able to see you, and you get upset with me for it. You have a right to be, I don’t doubt that… but it just confirms it somehow that I should feel pressured, because in a way I am. I don’t know. For instance, I want to move. I may move to uptown Charlotte. I may move to Atlanta. I may move to damn San Francisco like I really want to. But I feel so pressured now that you have moved here because I know I am one of the two main people that you know here. You picked up and started all over here, and I am so proud of you for doing so, and would hope that you would still make it in this big bad world without me as your sidekick right here in the same city.. but truth be told I am scared if I move, you might give up, and go back to Trinity, and fall into the same old habits again. I just want such good things for you. But this whole move here has put added pressure on me to just feel responsible for someone’s happiness somewhat. Just please understand how that feels, I am begging you. And I think this causes things to kind of build up for me, and that is why I am so quick to get mad at you and things like that. Because as much as I love having you here, I didn’t even know any of this was going to happen.. I am just kinda sprung out of nowhere and am having to adjust to trying to see another one of my best friends, in addition to all the million ones I already have and don’t see enough of either.
And while we’re at it, just adding to the list of things that I have been wanting to say to you, I kind of feel different around you now. Like I can’t quite be myself anymore. I don’t know how to really explain it, but like you put me up on this pedestal that I shouldn’t be on, and there’s all this pressure to be this perfect girl that you love. I have a lot of flaws, and now you finally get to see them in person (my actions last night being a case in point). That’s very hard for me. I also can’t say things around you anymore about guys in my life or if I think there’s a cute guy across the bar. That’s why girls nights are needed, because I can’t say any of this stuff to my friends anymore if you are around. You used to be the guy that I confided in about everything, and suddenly that has changed. I don’t know. Just a lot is changing, and it is all very tricky, and I don’t know how to deal with it, and it helps already to just get some of this off my chest. Again, I don’t know how you’ll take it, but all I can be is honest.
Anyway, I’m sorry about everything, and for coming off as “cold as shit”. I can be very blunt sometimes when I’m upset with someone, and I apologize if that’s how it came across. I love you very much and am so happy you are close by now, but please try to understand the ways that I feel like it’s changed things lately and how that is hard to adjust to overnight…
I am reminded that you will be the only guy at the Saucer, and that we have yet to have a girls night (which we also will still want on occasion). We discuss whether it is too late to ask or not, but I am encouraged to at least check. I am currently driving at the moment, and since my phone does not have a keyboard, texting in general, especially while driving, can be really difficult for me. Therefore, I keep things short and to the point. Ashley takes the phone, and summarizes for me in as nice of a way as I can think of quickly. Then, I get the irritated responses back (which fine, you have a right to be irritated, but I guess it was the tone of your voice that just kind of made me irritated back). At this point I am still ok, and going to apologize for ditching you, but probably not as nice as I would have if you had said “Fineee Kelly Scott but you owe me one.”. So anyway, this is when I say sorry, and that I would have given you more notice (granted, I could have said “I am terribly sorry” or “Super super sore-ree Brandon Robles) but I did say sorry so please don’t keep telling me that I never once apologized. That’s bullshit. It may not have been a good enough apology, but there was one. And it was from there that I felt the attitude back and was just like “fuck this, now I’m mad too”.
This all could have been avoided if we would have phrased things a little better, and in your case, stayed more calm about it. I will obviously see you again, discuss it with me in person or something, but don’t come back at me with a bunch of angry texts. I don’t respond well to that. Same with when you called me that time and I didn’t call you back right away because I was at work, and I got that angry livejournal post.. then I got equally as mad. I respond best to “hey, I understand, but that’s kinda shitty, do you mind if we talk about it later, I’m a little upset”. Then I feel bad, not angry.
Anyway, since that didn’t happen, continuing on… I spend all night getting more and more irritated, so I get home and decide to put some of my thoughts down. In no way do I think that my post was mean to you at all. I was just very blunt and to the point, and that is how I get when I am mad. The first part was the truth.. me telling you what makes me “not give a fuck”. Now, Brandon Robles, this means “not give a fuck at the moment”, not “not give a fuck about you or your feelings in general”. “I don’t care” is NOT “I don’t care about you”, its “I don’t care about your feelings now that you’ve made me just as mad in return”. You would know it if I just didn’t give a fuck about anything, and I don’t think that would ever happen with us.
In no way do I think that I threatened you either. This wasn’t anything to taunt over your head to make you give in or apologize to me instead, or anything like that. I was simply and literally saying how I felt, and that there was a ton more (still is) that I would like to say to you, but not enough time last night. These are things that I have been wanting to say to you anyway.
However, YOUR last few posts I feel were EXTREMELY, OVER THE TOP threatening. This and that about who will you come crying to if I walk out the door, don’t even try to make me not give a fuck, you don’t even want to see that, etc etc. I love you very much, and you are my best guy friend, but you are also a big boy and choose to make your own life decisions. If there is something that I do that is wrong enough that will ever cause you to walk out the door like that, then go right ahead. I will be sad as fuck about it, but you are gonna do what you’re gonna do. You’ve said time and time again that you ask for reasons to not care about people and to cut them out of your life. If you want to do that to me too, or threaten me about it, fine. But I don’t think it will make you any happier, and you will still be running away from things.
You are not a “back up plan” either. I think you are lumping the Saucer, and yourself, into one category, when the two are completely different. You, I love to see, the Saucer, I can do without every now and then, especially if something better comes along. I will get my next 3 beers the following week, no big deal. That’s the problem with routines, they are comfortable, but there are times that you’d like to do something else instead if it comes up. I’m always upset I don’t get to see you, but for me its kinda like “ahh, shit, well I’ll see him again soon”. You and I have very different mindsets I think, because you just up and moved here (for whatever reasons) and I had been used to seeing you twice a year, if that. Suddenly, it is twice a week. That is a little overwhelming. It is like rediscovering a whole new friendship, one I wasn’t quite ready for. As much as we talk about live action friends, it is still a little scary to see someone so often and suddenly make them a part of your physical life too. So in my mind, I’m just glad to see you. Whether it’s Monday and Wednesday in a row, or if we take 2 weeks off, it is still better than the TWICE A YEAR we were hanging out before. Maybe that’s the optimist in me, who knows. Maybe I take it for granted and expect you will always be there, but with that, know that I expect to always be there for you as well. So what’s a couple of “blow offs” in Saucer time when we are such good friends that it’s not the end of the world. I don’t know if what I’m saying right now makes any sense to you, or if you are just getting more and more angry with me. It’s so hard to tell with you. I am just being honest. About everything. That is all I can do, and if you don’t like any of it, then there’s nothing I can do.
I don’t like being tied down. And that is how it feels when someone gets mad at me for wanting to have a girls night instead, or making me feel like I’ve blown them off for a fun concert. I love you, and I want to see you, but there are also a million other things I want to do, and some will occur at the same times. Some will come up last minute, and I don’t want to feel this guilty every single time. You can ask any of my friends, I felt horrible for cancelling on you last night, I vocalized that to them, but because I didn’t say it exactly right in a text message, it caused this entire fight between us right now. That is so frustrating. In the future, I will try to give you more notice, or to be more sympathetic in how I word things, but I can’t promise you that I’m not going to blow you off now and again. Try not to assume that the Saucer will happen every single Monday and Wednesday. They are always just maybes, or probablys.
I would love to hang out with you any other night too. It is just damn near impossible with our schedules. That will change eventually I’m sure, but please try to be patient. That could take weeks, months, years, for our schedules to match up better and we can hang out on other random nights. But I’m sure it will happen. Like I said, I am content with the time we do have. In college we would go WEEKS without talking sometimes. And here we talk all the time now. I just wish you could see it the same way I do.
Maybe I could have phrased it better when I said you “rely on me”.. but that is the honest to god truth of how I feel sometimes. I know you don’t know many people around here, and going out to the Saucer is one of the only guarantees of a fun time with some friends, and that does make me feel a lot of pressure all the time. That pressure is intensified when I am not able to see you, and you get upset with me for it. You have a right to be, I don’t doubt that… but it just confirms it somehow that I should feel pressured, because in a way I am. I don’t know. For instance, I want to move. I may move to uptown Charlotte. I may move to Atlanta. I may move to damn San Francisco like I really want to. But I feel so pressured now that you have moved here because I know I am one of the two main people that you know here. You picked up and started all over here, and I am so proud of you for doing so, and would hope that you would still make it in this big bad world without me as your sidekick right here in the same city.. but truth be told I am scared if I move, you might give up, and go back to Trinity, and fall into the same old habits again. I just want such good things for you. But this whole move here has put added pressure on me to just feel responsible for someone’s happiness somewhat. Just please understand how that feels, I am begging you. And I think this causes things to kind of build up for me, and that is why I am so quick to get mad at you and things like that. Because as much as I love having you here, I didn’t even know any of this was going to happen.. I am just kinda sprung out of nowhere and am having to adjust to trying to see another one of my best friends, in addition to all the million ones I already have and don’t see enough of either.
And while we’re at it, just adding to the list of things that I have been wanting to say to you, I kind of feel different around you now. Like I can’t quite be myself anymore. I don’t know how to really explain it, but like you put me up on this pedestal that I shouldn’t be on, and there’s all this pressure to be this perfect girl that you love. I have a lot of flaws, and now you finally get to see them in person (my actions last night being a case in point). That’s very hard for me. I also can’t say things around you anymore about guys in my life or if I think there’s a cute guy across the bar. That’s why girls nights are needed, because I can’t say any of this stuff to my friends anymore if you are around. You used to be the guy that I confided in about everything, and suddenly that has changed. I don’t know. Just a lot is changing, and it is all very tricky, and I don’t know how to deal with it, and it helps already to just get some of this off my chest. Again, I don’t know how you’ll take it, but all I can be is honest.
Anyway, I’m sorry about everything, and for coming off as “cold as shit”. I can be very blunt sometimes when I’m upset with someone, and I apologize if that’s how it came across. I love you very much and am so happy you are close by now, but please try to understand the ways that I feel like it’s changed things lately and how that is hard to adjust to overnight…