How far, how fast, how long?
I'm finally home. Jet lag is like a girl who talks about all of her friends that none of us know - annoying. I got home last night around 3:30 or 4:00, but I woke up at 6:00. It's OK, because I'm really glad to be home.
(This part of the posting is safe, because the person I'm talking about doesn't even know I have one of these)
I got a LONG email from one of my friends that is talking about relationship with God. I didn't send this person any emails over the summer, because I practically only emailed people who emailed me (which was about only 5 people). This person talked about how selfish I am for keeping to myself and saying if I read Blue Like Jazz and loved it so much, then why am I trying to escape community?
If anything, I'm so tired of proving myself. I'm tired of trying to prove that I want to have meaningful relationships. I'm tired of trying to prove that I'm making a difference. But, mostly, I'm tired of trying to prove that I'm still a Christian who is falling in love with God. This person's email was hurtful, but it also reaffirmed everything I think about the American Church. I hate coming home to eyes that are constantly watching how I "measure up" to their godly standard. I hate hate hate hate hate that. This person went on to say that if I claimed to be who I said I was, then the email would've never needed to be written. Like this person even knows me? Like he/she has lied next to me, praying along with me, "Lord, increase." I don't think so. So, I made it clear in my reply back to this person and I'm making it clear on this online blog: I am not the person you want me to be. I never will be. There will be things that you think are ungodly, you will think there are things about me that are brilliant... there will always be that tension. Please, never let me fool you into thinking that I'm the ideal person to follow. I have bad doctrine, crooked beliefs, and sin that feels like it will never go away. But, this is also an invitation to look past all of that and just accept me as who I am. It's not your job to change me. It's not your job to compare myself to you. Can we just be imperfect Christians or non-Christians together and look after what is true? That's my hope. That's my summary of my entire summer in Australia. Asking. Searching. Finding.
(This part of the posting is safe, because the person I'm talking about doesn't even know I have one of these)
I got a LONG email from one of my friends that is talking about relationship with God. I didn't send this person any emails over the summer, because I practically only emailed people who emailed me (which was about only 5 people). This person talked about how selfish I am for keeping to myself and saying if I read Blue Like Jazz and loved it so much, then why am I trying to escape community?
If anything, I'm so tired of proving myself. I'm tired of trying to prove that I want to have meaningful relationships. I'm tired of trying to prove that I'm making a difference. But, mostly, I'm tired of trying to prove that I'm still a Christian who is falling in love with God. This person's email was hurtful, but it also reaffirmed everything I think about the American Church. I hate coming home to eyes that are constantly watching how I "measure up" to their godly standard. I hate hate hate hate hate that. This person went on to say that if I claimed to be who I said I was, then the email would've never needed to be written. Like this person even knows me? Like he/she has lied next to me, praying along with me, "Lord, increase." I don't think so. So, I made it clear in my reply back to this person and I'm making it clear on this online blog: I am not the person you want me to be. I never will be. There will be things that you think are ungodly, you will think there are things about me that are brilliant... there will always be that tension. Please, never let me fool you into thinking that I'm the ideal person to follow. I have bad doctrine, crooked beliefs, and sin that feels like it will never go away. But, this is also an invitation to look past all of that and just accept me as who I am. It's not your job to change me. It's not your job to compare myself to you. Can we just be imperfect Christians or non-Christians together and look after what is true? That's my hope. That's my summary of my entire summer in Australia. Asking. Searching. Finding.