Birthday
Yesterday was pretty good for being my 19th. I wasn't too interested in going out and getting drunk. I walked to Redwood park with Oni and Aki joined us part way there. It was good to do. I think I may be just a little less afraid of the dark. I can see better than I thought and the higher the moon climbs the more I can see.
It feels really weird to watch him from the outside and smile at his antics. I do need to let go and it is really odd to do. Losing a friend is one thing, but it's knowing that they are still alive and both are going out of their way not to see each other. He's staying away so I will be happy and I can't go and see him or find him in case I break and give up on my trial. Theoretically this should work out and we won't see each other again. He still e-mails me and it makes me smile to hear about his day. I want to reply and say hello but I need a longer time than this.
Oni has his life to take care of himself. I have to find something to do or someone to be with. I'm going out of my mind but I can't go back and Kirby and the other guys just aren't part of my heart. Not like that. I need to find someone else. The fact that the four of them are together again makes everything interesting and more stable than I'd like to believe. I'm not sure I like being normal as much as I once thought I would. This feels so surreal, like I've cheated life and shouldn't be here somehow.
Amy, you'll never read this but take Tyler away from me. Jeff, keep Will safe. Daniel, make sure Tony doesn't get into trouble. Ryan and Dylan, keep Phill sane and Phill take care of my little brother and Paladin. Jennifer, I know you can take care of yourself and I doubt I worry about you as much as I should. Andrew... I don't know what to say to you. I know you were right. We couldn't love like our characters because we'd always be comparing it to their love. I love you all but I can't sit still. I want to leave again but I have such promise here. I wait everyday hoping that something will change and Faerie tales will be real again.
This can't be it. I don't want to believe it.
It feels really weird to watch him from the outside and smile at his antics. I do need to let go and it is really odd to do. Losing a friend is one thing, but it's knowing that they are still alive and both are going out of their way not to see each other. He's staying away so I will be happy and I can't go and see him or find him in case I break and give up on my trial. Theoretically this should work out and we won't see each other again. He still e-mails me and it makes me smile to hear about his day. I want to reply and say hello but I need a longer time than this.
Oni has his life to take care of himself. I have to find something to do or someone to be with. I'm going out of my mind but I can't go back and Kirby and the other guys just aren't part of my heart. Not like that. I need to find someone else. The fact that the four of them are together again makes everything interesting and more stable than I'd like to believe. I'm not sure I like being normal as much as I once thought I would. This feels so surreal, like I've cheated life and shouldn't be here somehow.
Amy, you'll never read this but take Tyler away from me. Jeff, keep Will safe. Daniel, make sure Tony doesn't get into trouble. Ryan and Dylan, keep Phill sane and Phill take care of my little brother and Paladin. Jennifer, I know you can take care of yourself and I doubt I worry about you as much as I should. Andrew... I don't know what to say to you. I know you were right. We couldn't love like our characters because we'd always be comparing it to their love. I love you all but I can't sit still. I want to leave again but I have such promise here. I wait everyday hoping that something will change and Faerie tales will be real again.
This can't be it. I don't want to believe it.